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Original poster

Is this insensitive or am I being sensitive?

27 replies

Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 14:10

If you talk about having to do something difficult and scary on your own and the other person immediately talks about how they had to do the same thing with their partner, is it insensitive of them?

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 27/08/2025 14:14

It depends. If the second person was saying 'well, I know I'd be terrified too. It was scary enough for me and I had Malcolm with me' then it's more like they were trying to empathise and just also share the circumstances in which they'd experienced the same thing.

Lemoncheesecake007 · 27/08/2025 14:15

It depends…

On one hand they could be trying to relate to you. That they’ve also been there, done that (just different as they had a partner to do it with)

On the other hand if they are trying to belittle you or make comments that “it’s not that hard… me and Ben did it!” Then yes insensitive

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 14:17

So just to clarify - do you mean that you don't think your friend can or should relate to how you feel because your friend's partner had help (from them)? Whereas you are facing it alone?

swingingbytheseat · 27/08/2025 14:18

Yes, very insensitive

Coconutter24 · 27/08/2025 14:28

I wouldn’t say it’s insensitive. Sounds like they’re trying to relate to you

Forestfire12345 · 27/08/2025 14:32

No it's not insensitive. Just their version of the experience. Overthinking this entirely

WellMaybeYouShouldntBeLivingHeeeeeeee · 27/08/2025 14:39

Totally context dependent

swingingbytheseat · 27/08/2025 17:33

Forestfire12345 · 27/08/2025 14:32

No it's not insensitive. Just their version of the experience. Overthinking this entirely

Not really!
Empathy is putting yourself in someone’s shoes, which this friend wasn’t

StormInaDcup99 · 27/08/2025 17:40

Depends on circumstances....

The other week I was threatened with redundancy. I'm widowed with kids.

Told my cousin and all I heard about for the next 15mins was again....how she lost her job 6 years ago (she and her husband are VERY well off)

In your case, If it was the kind of thing where they really only talked about their own situation....it's not just insensitive...it's really downright rude and obtuse and clearly have no understanding of what you're going through

TheGreatWesternShrew · 27/08/2025 17:42

I find that this form of communication means different things to different people. You either:

  1. see it as bonding and expressing sympathy by sharing how you went through something similar and so can understand a little bit
  2. see it as one upmanship and selfishness.

It can be difficult if you’re someone who sees it as the former to understand why someone is suddenly angry with you for just expressing understanding. Especially as the former is more common among neurodivergent people. I’m not ND but my mother used to scream at me for doing this when I was just trying to show sympathy and bond.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/08/2025 17:46

Are they being sympathetic and understanding and relating to your feelings and saying it was hard/bad/scary enough doing it with their husband, so must be even worse for you?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 27/08/2025 17:48

Need more context.

Talkingfrog · 27/08/2025 18:00

Depending on exactly what snd how things are said, I would say trying to empathise, and show they understand some of what you are experiencing/feeling.

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/08/2025 18:47

It depends what it is.

I have a friend who has a long list of stuff that she says she is unable to do for herself and her husband has to do for her. They are mostly things that any adult, male or female can do. I feel like she is putting on some kind of vulnerable act for no real reason, other than to avoid lots of chores. I usually just ignore her when she says these things but sometimes I get fed up of hearing it and I start challenging her.

I wouldn't think anything of it it if you said you didn't climb the ladder into the loft because you were too short to get from the top of the ladder into the loft but I I would think it odd if for example you said you weren't doing it because you were of the opinion that it was a man's job.

Original poster
Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 19:31

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/08/2025 18:47

It depends what it is.

I have a friend who has a long list of stuff that she says she is unable to do for herself and her husband has to do for her. They are mostly things that any adult, male or female can do. I feel like she is putting on some kind of vulnerable act for no real reason, other than to avoid lots of chores. I usually just ignore her when she says these things but sometimes I get fed up of hearing it and I start challenging her.

I wouldn't think anything of it it if you said you didn't climb the ladder into the loft because you were too short to get from the top of the ladder into the loft but I I would think it odd if for example you said you weren't doing it because you were of the opinion that it was a man's job.

I cant stand women like this who are incapable of doing things that anyone can do and a man has to do them for him. What's she going to do if he leaves her or dies before her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 19:33

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 27/08/2025 17:48

Need more context.

Its a difficult medical related thing which I need to manage completely alone. Its really lonely, difficult and sad. Her contribution was that her and her husband had done it together and basically he'd done it for her.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 27/08/2025 19:37

Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 19:31

I cant stand women like this who are incapable of doing things that anyone can do and a man has to do them for him. What's she going to do if he leaves her or dies before her?

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It drives me mad too. I don’t understand why her DH puts up with it.

CopperWhite · 27/08/2025 19:45

It is likely that you are feeling extra sensitive which is understandable in the situation you find yourself. Your friend was probably trying to share their experience in solidarity and sympathy, but insensitively didn’t realise that going it alone is so going to make it so much more difficult. People in happy couples generally don’t realise how much harder many things can be when you’re facing them alone. Both things can be true.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this OP.

verycloakanddaggers · 27/08/2025 19:49

Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 19:31

I cant stand women like this who are incapable of doing things that anyone can do and a man has to do them for him. What's she going to do if he leaves her or dies before her?

Show quote history

It's a bit unnecessary to feel this strongly about other people's choices that don't harm you at all.

You seem a bit angry!

verycloakanddaggers · 27/08/2025 19:56

Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 19:33

Its a difficult medical related thing which I need to manage completely alone. Its really lonely, difficult and sad. Her contribution was that her and her husband had done it together and basically he'd done it for her.

Show quote history

This is lonely difficult and sad - in these circs your friend was insensitive, but only you know if it came from a kind, misguided place or actually they're just not that supportive.

Original poster
Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 20:13

verycloakanddaggers · 27/08/2025 19:49

It's a bit unnecessary to feel this strongly about other people's choices that don't harm you at all.

You seem a bit angry!

Show quote history

Its just a bit pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo76 · 27/08/2025 20:14

CopperWhite · 27/08/2025 19:45

It is likely that you are feeling extra sensitive which is understandable in the situation you find yourself. Your friend was probably trying to share their experience in solidarity and sympathy, but insensitively didn’t realise that going it alone is so going to make it so much more difficult. People in happy couples generally don’t realise how much harder many things can be when you’re facing them alone. Both things can be true.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this OP.

They dont! In their happy little carefree bubbles having great support through everything and anything they have to face. They should open their eyes and realise that some people literally have to do everything alone, even the most difficult and painful things.

OP posts:
steff13 · 27/08/2025 20:48

Coconutter24 · 27/08/2025 14:28

I wouldn’t say it’s insensitive. Sounds like they’re trying to relate to you

I have ADHD and I do this, apparently because of it. When I do it I'm trying to relate to the person, but since I've become aware of it I try not to do it. It's difficult to remember though.

Coconutter24 · 27/08/2025 21:14

steff13 · 27/08/2025 20:48

I have ADHD and I do this, apparently because of it. When I do it I'm trying to relate to the person, but since I've become aware of it I try not to do it. It's difficult to remember though.

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I do this, I think a lot of people do it, share their experience to try relate to someone or show they understand

steff13 · 27/08/2025 21:32

Coconutter24 · 27/08/2025 21:14

I do this, I think a lot of people do it, share their experience to try relate to someone or show they understand

Show quote history

That's how I've always thought of it, but apparently some people have a less charitable view of it.

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