Some advice needed - Getting back in touch with estranged parent

[Truffleshuffle84]

my sister and i have had a turbulent relationship with my parents, it's always been challenging but got a lot worse over covid and as they retired. 2 years ago after a massive fallout about my parents being jealous of my sister's (really lovely) in-laws she went no contact, She lives closer so was on the receiving end of it more often than me. About 1.5 years ago after a particularly difficult event i decided i'd also had enough and i just couldn't deal with them or the hurt and stress it caused me anymore. I sent them a big long message explaining how i felt and how they weren't being the parents or grandparents i needed them to be. They called my DH at his work and had what sounds like a pretty awful call with him, full of indignation and hatred about after all the things they'd done for us and how ungrateful we were and how they've never been treated so badly. I'd not heard from them since.

6 months ago my father died from cancer. the first i heard of it was 18hrs before his death when i was away for a hen weekend and my uncle called to say you should get home and go see her. I did, she was unconscious and died a few hours later.

In hindsight my father was the key instigator in a lot of the issues, a lot of the jealousy, and bitterness and all sorts stemmed from him, though my mum was quite content to go along and chip in. it's not at all like she sat there like a timid mouse, she was part of the problem but i saw at the time and see now that she was always the sidekick to him.

Now he's died i find myself thinking a lot about my mum, probably every day. thinking about how she's getting on by herself, wondering if she's doing ok. Even now as i write this i can feel myself getting a bit teary about it all.

Although she's never attempted to get in contact I think i really want to get in touch and try and get some sort of reconciliation. The problem is my DH wants nothing to do with her, he's still stuck on the hurt of the past and particularly the final call where there was all sorts of horrid stuff said. Similarly, my sister, who still has her in-laws (i don't) isn't at all interested.

Just looking for some advice on how to get in touch after so long and after so much has happened, not even sure how to start a conversation! any advice r.e. DH would be good too.

Your mother enabled her husband your father to do what he did. She has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. People like this are really not worth bothering about.

I would not reach out and am wondering if you are in a fear obligation and guilt state still which has triggered perhaps reaching out. Both your H and sister are not interested and it would be very difficult for you to restart a relationship if you do not have support from
others.

I'm definitely struggling with guilt, guilt at the thought of her being alone and also guilt that my kids are missing out on a grandparent

Well I went NC with my parents when I was 17 - they attempted a few half arsed attempts to get in touch over the years but never with an apology. Then about 5 years ago I get a text from my sister (who was also nc with me) saying my mum was in hospital. My husband wanted nothing to do with her but recognised my relationship ans feelings would be different being she was my mum. So I got in touch, we met a few times, but honestly she's the same parent I had at 17 - selfish and selfish centred - she sends birthday and Xmas gifts to my kids and I send them to her (although she never sends me an Xmas gift).... tbh I put in a lot of effort it trying to rebuild the relationship and she basically put it a lot of effort to show me that she had enough family without me being in it so I have pulled back emotionally again. But at least I know now, at least when she dies I can say I tried but she wasn't able to be the mum I thought I needed.

I'd give you the same advice- don't expect change, don't open yourself up for hurt, but don't let your husbands feelings cloud your judgement because you are the one who will have to live with your decision when she eventually dies. Hth x

Children need emotionally healthy grandparent figures and it could be argued your mother does not fit the bill. If your husbands side of the family are ok and emotionally healthy then I’d concentrate on them.

Get therapy for your misplaced sense of guilt. Read Toxic parents by Susan Forward.

Do you think your mother feels guilty as to how you as well as your h and sister have been treated?. Unlikely and the phone works two ways. Their look at what we did for you
response is a very typical response from toxic people.

Grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.