How do I plan this party?

[BirthdayPartyPooper]

Posting on AIBU for traffic because I can’t work this out without really upsetting someone. My daughter is due to have her birthday in October. She’s picked an activity that has a party package available but it’s for restricted numbers. Luckily she has a small class. Unluckily, there’s only 8 children allowed and there’s 10 girls in her class. One is away so we would literally be leaving one child out. I’ve contacted the organisation and there’s no wiggle room on numbers at all. My daughter has picked her friends from the class and is happy, but I feel awful leaving one child out. Should I just get on with it and hope the child doesn’t find out? Or contact the mum and explain and hope it’s ok? Or send out invites and hope someone can’t attend and then I can invite the extra child?

I wouldn't allow this.

10 girls in the class means either find an activity that they're all invited to, or it's invite 5 at most.

Basic manners are something I don't allow my children to ignore.

Or you're teaching her a complete lack of empathy towards others and basic manners that you don't exclude people.

You can’t possibly think this is ok. It’s absolutely horrible. Invite 4 girls and have a smaller party, or 5 girls and the rest boys or pick a different activity.

It's not the whole class unless the class is just those 10 girls (in which case it's different)

There is nothing wrong with not inviting everyone to everything so long as you don't just leave one person out all the time.

And it's not just one girl. It's 2.

If it was a bunch of mixed sex adults in an office and one person asked all the women to come for drinks except for one or two, would you find that ok? Cos I'd find it quite rude. The other girl can't make it anyway.

It's not something I'd do.

It's only 2 being left out as one has something else already planned (away - so potentially on holiday doing something nice), so therefore if these girls are all friends and normally sit together/play together at school then it really is just 1 not part of something fun that weekend and knowing that they were not chosen.

I always think how would you feel if it was the other way round. @BirthdayPartyPooper if your daughter came home from school one Monday and said all the other girls had been to a party and were talking about it, would you feel that is ok as you know the venue has restrictions? Or if one of the mums contacted you to explain they can only take 8 children and your child hasn't been chosen and would be the only one not invited would you feel that is fair as she at least let you know.

I'm very surprised that you need to ask. No. You don't leave just one of the girls out. Absolutely no.
The End

No, that is not the lesson here.

Tell her to pick a different activity so that everyone can come

If OP's is choosing her 7 closest friends out of a mixed sex class and they are 7 out of the 9 other girls, then this suggests a class where predominantly the girls play together (and not with the boys). Therefore this is akin to leaving one child out (the child who can't come is irrelevant, as that's the reason she won't be invited) of a friendship group. The only reason you could probably get away with doing this would be if the girl did always play with the boys (so it's not leaving one out of a friendship group).

Of course it's fine not to invite everyone to everything, but you can't invite everyone bar one person without it looking personal.

It's 2 because there are 10 girls and only 8 spaces

That's life sometimes

There will be things come up with school, work, clubs, life which only so many spaces are available and not everyone can go

Yes it is

"You have picked the thing you want for your birthday but to make everyone happy instead you need to change and be a people pleaser. Even on your birthday, other people matter more than you"

Yes but this seems rather mean leaving one girl out. There are 10 girls but @BirthdayPartyPooper already knows one can't go, leaving 9. Only 8 can attend, so this is where it is mean saying to only invite 7 others as 1 girl will be left out. As I said, how would people feel if this was the other way round and it was your child being the 1 left out. Would you just say to them 'that's life'. We are assuming all these girls are friends, so it would be a shame for 1 child to miss out.

It's not one out of a friendship group if the daughter isn't bothered that 2 people can't come

Maybe the ones not included are the girls who play with the boys more. Or are the mean girls. Or the girls happy to keep to themselves (I was that girl. I didn't care if I wasn't invited because being in my own space was better and it was away from the mean girls)

*2 girls

2 girls aren't included. Doesn't matter if one is away. She still couldn't go because there's only 8 spaces.

It is indeed life. It was something my mother taught me at this time. Because some things have a limit

If the girls were friends, I'd expect the girl would have already wanted something all of them could attend

That situation would feel different, and that would still feel somewhat awkward if they are all a group that usually do things together. I think that only 4 should be invited so that it is only half of them or another activity for all of them.

Do you actually have children? Would you like them to be the one not invited?

I wouldn't do this. Etiquette says it's half or less invited, or everyone. Just leaving out one is very unkind.

You don't do this activity, or you only invite a few from the class.

One of the girls not included is the one that can't come. She might be OP's DD best friend.

OP doesn't say how older her daughter is, but, it's highly likely that if she was asked to pick 7 out of 8 tomorrow, she would come up with a different 7.

I wonder how many DD actually is bothered about? I doubt it's as many as 7, in which case the answer is just to have the party with the 3 or 4 others who are her closest friend. Maybe doing the activity not as a party package.

Thanks for all the advice. I’ve only ever done full class parties before and invited everyone. She’s 8 and this is a niche activity that she’s interested in, but it’s quite girly. I’ll see if I can convince her to invite a couple of boys to even it out a bit, or see if there’s anything else I can try and move her onto

Oh gosh that would be devastating for the child. Agree with most - either invite fewer or so something else. It’s really horrible to leave one child out from such a small group.

I agree that it’s not right to exclude one girl from the class. Your daughter needs to either invite some friends outside of school, some of the boys from her class or find another activity.

If you do the activity in half term, is there any possibility that two of the girls will be on holiday so you could do it then?

This is a good way to demonstrate to your child how to be very unkind and to encourage her to be so. If this isn't your aim, either

• invite less children i.e. do the activity with her and 3 of the other girls
• do as above, then invite 4 people from outside school (cousins, or friends from clubs, church, whatever)
• assuming her class is boy heavy, not just a tiny class of girls, invite some boys say 3 or 4 boys and 4 or 5 girls.
• change the activity or find a different place that does that activity, but allows a few more children

I’d invite everyone, put a really short rsvp deadline, and hope that someone couldn’t come!

But then what happens if they all reply saying they can come?!

What a ridiculous take. OP wouldn’t be teaching her child that others matter more than her on her birthday - she would be teaching her the value of inclusion, empathy, and basic kindness.