Trigger warning - CSA

[Clemaytisnotclematis]

I’m in my late 30s and got SA by my brother when I think I was about 7 and he about 11.
I never told anyone at the time as my parents weren’t approachable and constantly argued. I was worried I would be blamed for it which is of course ridiculous but my parents used to make me feel like a burden so I didn’t say anything at the time. I told my mum a few years ago and she didn’t respond how I’d hoped she would. (I also went no contact with my brother at the time as I realised I didn’t have to put up with his toxicity anymore) She wanted me to forget about it and not upset the status quo. I love her but since then there have been times she’s gone about things really badly. For example when I had a baby she wanted him to come over to save face with her relatives whom she didn’t want them to know that the family don’t get along so tried to get my brother to apologise to me without asking me if I wanted him to come over first. He didn’t and she kept making up excuses that I haven’t directly spoken to him about why you’re no contact with him. Since then she has been more explicit with him about why I’m not talking to him and has told him to apologise for any mistakes he had made in the past. One day I received a message from him saying ‘I apologise for the past’. Am I being unreasonable that that is simply not enough to reflect the gravity of what he did?
I refused to accept the apology as it wasn’t good enough. Today my mum said to me lots of people make mistakes like this when they are young and why can’t I just be superficial like she is with my dad and my brother. She even said she’s nice to me even though I don’t treat her well. (this is not the case. I actually fawn over her way too much). I said you carry on talking abuse from everyone I’m not going to.
My brother has been horrible to me in the years before I went no contact and I used to just take it to keep the peace in the family. Am I being unreasonable to think that if he had regrets he would be nicer to me? I’d be suicidal if I did what he did in the past.
I’ve not had therapy for all of this but need to.
Sorry for the poor grammar im
just so angry right now.

So sorry you rent through that, but we'll done you for recognizing that you don't have to stay in that space.

Your mum is enabling your brother, maybe she needs to ask herself why its YOUR job to keep the peace, to put up with shit, to get over it... its not. It was their job to raise him right, they didnt, and as a result hes turned out the way he has. If she wasnt saving face left right and centre instead tackling the hard jobs head on, maybe this situation wouldn't be as it is.

Carry on with your NC. Theres no room for forced surface level apologies just so it all looks good to the outside.

Bump

Thanks @toomuchfaff. Totally agree with you x

I don’t think you’re fully grasping the gravity of your mum’s actions. I would have gotten rid of them both.

@Perlimpinpin i think I’m in denial too. It just hurts so much.

Even now she’s saying I’m bringing up the past but the way she has been is recent.
She’s always the victim

She said this kind of abuse is common and happened amongst her cousins. Why did she leave me alone with my brother then?
I asked her this and she said you’d never doubt your own kids.
i wasn’t taught about consent or good touch or anything etc

Bump

I went through trauma too

what do you expect from your mum, she’s toxic, an absolute mess all your life, this won’t change

if you can’t accept people for how crap they are , you must go NC for your own sanity.

focus on you x

If you’re waiting for your abuser to apologise, you’ll be waiting forever because they just don’t care.

You need to set firm boundaries and cut the abusers out of your life to protect yourself and then get some therapy to help you heal from the scars their abuse and enabling have left behind.

I’m so sorry for your experience @Clemaytisnotclematis I’ve been through something similar with the same response from my parents.

There was actually significant other abuse to another person too that was prolonged and extreme. My parents haven’t reacted to that appropriately either so scale of abuse or age of the abuser is irrelevant for them to respond to this behaviour from their son.

I don’t know about you but for me the trauma was as much knowing, in that I knew my parents well, that I would not be protected, that I would be ultimately mistreated by them as it was about being abused.

I think that behaviour from my parents and the self serving apologies without any accountability were the biggest traumas I had to cope with and I include the abuse in that.

Abuse tends to happen in families like ours, low accountability, low empathy families, low value on the feelings of the children and more on keeping up appearances. I am now in a place where I see my responsibility as being protective of myself and my children from my family’s dysfunctional patterns and I no longer have any contact with any of them out of self protection.

Thank you all. I will respond properly when able xx

@BrentfordForever you’re right - it’s just hard when you love someone.

@Lmnop22 I’m actually not waiting for him to apologise. I don’t care about him or the relationship. I had said to my mum if he apologied sincerely and was genuinely remorseful that’s the only way I’d consider a reconciliation.
i hold firm my boundaries even if my mum tries to reconcile us. I do need therapy - you’re absolutely right x

It’s all subjective my love

you can still love your mum, just expect she doesn’t have the “capacity” to understand or help you

sending love x

Then it sounds like you’re already doing everything you should be doing and it’s a question of just focusing on you and your recovery now and not on these people who keep you down

@Iwasphotoframed I’m so sorry you went through this and it’s so common.

I totally agree with you. The worst thing about all this is the lack of remorse, the victim blaming and accountability. There must have been a reason I couldn’t turn to my parents back then and they’ve proved I was right.

I also try and bring my daughter up completely differently to how I was bought up. I’m fiercely protective over her.

Sending you love xx

Who are the 3% saying you are being unreasonable?!

@Worried8263839 Goodness knows!