Help me not be the future MIL from hell

[Bluepuppyofslush]

Because what do you do if you do not get on with your children's partner?

My daughter is in her first serious long term relationship with a slightly older man. She has a learning disability and is neurodivergent so is more vulnerable. They have talked about marriage.

The problem I do not get on with him at all. To be fair I don't see much of him as although he comes and stops at our house weekly , 9 times out of 10 he never even says hello. He takes off to dds room and stays there until he leaves with dd bringing him food. Occasionally he will shout bye as he scuttles out of the door if dd does.
Whatever.

My issue lies more in that he is always coming out with statements about only men tell men what to do and men are the ones who rule this planet, blah blah blah. He grew up in a DV home for some years watching his Mum get assaulted so for him to repeat things like that really gets my back up as I left a DV relationship when dd was tiny.

Dd recently planned a treat for him for a special occassion and was waiting for him to come so they could eat together and then do something nice and he knew she was waiting for him so she could eat but just went to McDonalds and ate instead.
He then went home for ages and kept making excuses why he had not set off. When she was clearly upset about this on video call he started with the only men telling men what to do bullshit again.
I overheard and was pissed off at this and half jokingly made a comment and he lost his mind. He starting ranting that he was being ganged up on 2 on 1, that HE had been at work (one hour I might add) (I am a registered carer for two disabled people and work part time from home but previously worked long hours) and shouted bloody women.

Dd has pretty severe contamination OCD and he recently told dd that taking her antidepressants was a waste of time and that he could have anxiety but choses not to because it is mind over matter.

I asked nicely for him to make sure the door was shut one week to stop the dog getting out as he had been leaving it open and there was a whole drama about that.

He came on holiday with us recently
by his own choice and was the same.

He has dd running everywhere but never shows the same energy back.

As I said this is dds first proper relationship other than a toxic school romance at 14 so she thinks because he does show some kindness at times like going halves on things and buying her things occasionally that he is nice but he sets alarms off for me all the time.

Help! Because she is probably going to marry this man and I don't want to be cut off but feel this is the way it is heading. I am trying not to let my own shitty experience cloud my views but...

How old is your DD?

22

Most people do not marry their first long term partner.

it is very common for teens and early twenties to partner up at some point with someone the parents hate. Expressing it is counter productive.

just wait. He’ll (almost certainly) go away.

How long have they been together OP? x

Thanks Octavia
I hope so.
They have been together well over a year and are actively talking about marriage and children.

Apart from saying something the once mentioned I have said nothing otherwise. I have been trying to bite my tongue because I am aware it would just push them further together anyway.

Well over a year.

You can absolutely refute his sexist ideas in your own home. "In this house men and women are equal" etc. Model good behaviour at all times. Make a point of saying "hello, how are you?" Does DD's father figure at all, does he treat you and her well if so?

You can raise your concerns to DD, point out where his values don't align to social normsz where hes a total misogynist, call it out. But whether she listens or not, whether she continues the relationship is her choice. All you can do is show her your support will be at her back no matter her choice.

Until she makes it her choice to walk away from this man, you can only show her the light from your side.

Does your DD have an understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like? I would jave a chat with her about how some men can hide their true intentions and what healthy/ unhealthy dynamics look like

Dds Dad is not around. I left a DV relationship when she was tiny.
That said until my own Dad died fairly recently she had a very strong male figure around. They were very close.

I think that you could try some reverse psychology to try and get some time with him to break the running upstairs etc.

Make up random things you need a "man" to help with, i.e lifting something, a shelf if he's "men are stronger blah blah" and "man jobs".

You'll spend time with him, whilst also maybe gently exposing a more vulnerable side...

Also make a habit every single time to say Hello xxx, how are you, would you like a xxx I have just made. Force that chit, chat. Same at leaving, Oh bye xxx.

You will be making someone, who most likely wants control and isolation of your daughter be subtly forced out into the open, whilst also being "manly", doing manly like jobs.. He may then warm up a bit OR drift away thinking she's more work than thought...

How much older is he?

I would engineer for my daughter to meet as many other men as I possibly could, and try to take her away on a trip away for as many weeks as possible to somehow make her break up with him, he's a bloody nightmare!

You are the MIL from hell when you try to take over and no one is good enough for your precious darling, not when you try to protect your child from an abusive twat.

There's a programme called the freedom programme, might be worth her taking a look at. Does she like to read? Or watch TV? Could you find some programmes/books which highlight misogyny & could lead to a discussion in general about how she wants to be treated in life? My DD is 16 & autistic & is very trusting so I understand how hard it is to try and guide them without taking over/isolating us from them

Thank you that is really helpful!

Most of the time I do not even know he is here as dd has let him in and he has run upstairs until I hear his voice when passing but I can certainly try and draw him out.

He is only 4 years older but dd is also very young for her age due to her needs.

I have actually done the Freedom programme and got the book. Which I think is why I am so on guard about it.
Getting dd to read it is another letter. She does know though because she rolls her eyes when he says these things.

I think I'd be exploring DDs own feelings to start. I'd ask her if she was happy. If there was anything about the relationship she wished was different. Hopefully she might then talk about the problematic parts herself which would give me an 'in' to make it clear she didn't have to put up with those things, and how she could bring about change. I'd be very careful not to go in with a list of my own issues, trying instead just to create opportunity for her to explore hers. Ultimately, if she disclosed no issues, I'd have to accept that at present, this was her choice. I'd concentrate on building her confidence as much as I could, showing her love and respect (to demonstrate how she should be treated) and as much as I could, keep my mouth closed and my door always open.

5128gap Thank you that is really helpful. She does complain to me about him in the way many people do with their partners but nothing significant.

It is hard because she is so vulnerable and the only relationship she has ever had resulted in parent/school and outside intervention because she was so easily manipulated and not able to keep herself safe.

But she is an adult now and I have to have faith in her.

First of all - you’re not the problem here.

Men like this target vulnerable women. I have no idea how you can get between them. Tread carefully because he will be actively trying to isolate her from you etc.