To go to bed when you want to?

[Skyehigh]

Me and DP are on completely different sleep schedules. I need to be up at 5.30 during the week so aim to be in bed for 9.30 and sleeping by 10. He stays up past midnight every night but doesn't need to be up until 8.30 for work. At the weekends I really try to stay up a bit later but it's a big struggle. I'll usually stay up til 10.30 unless I'm really tired on a Friday and on a Saturday it'll be 10.30 or as late as I can manage. I'd rather go to bed at 9.30 every night honestly. He doesn't understand that me trying to stay up til midnight feels just as hard to me as it would for me to wake him up at 5am.

Any weekend night where I say I'm not staying up late as want to be productive the next day it just turns into an argument. He's said he doesn't want to argue about it and that we shouldn't have to fight about this. He says it's pathetic that I go to bed that early and we never spend time together and will then be annoyed with me but I feel like I'm fighting my natural sleep cycle at the weekends then have to energy to do much. He will want me to have a coffee in the late afternoon so I can stay up later.

AIBU or is it him? What would you do in this situation?

YANBU to prioritise your sleep and yourself.
Sleep is very important, especially if you get up so early.

Our schedules are similar to yours and I’m always in bed by 9.45pm. We make the most of the mornings and days we have together.

I must admit I don't get the going to bed at the weekend at 9.30 as that's when you go to bed through the week for work. I work Monday to Friday to and get up at 6.30am there's no way I get up then at the weekends so can stay up later.

I’d honestly be suggesting that he get up early on weekends so you can have a nice breakfast together, if he’s missing out on quality time. You’re already staying up later than usual to accommodate him, so at least like this he would be meeting you halfway.

But I do wonder whether @ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe is correct about this being partly about sex? So while you don’t have to share the detail with us, how is your sex life and is this likely to be part of the reason behind his annoyance? If so, you can surely work together on finding a time that works for you both and doesn’t involve you sacrificing sleep.

As someone who knows all too well what a battle sleep can be, I can only say to those saying you’re too precious about your need for sleep that you should look into the impact of insufficient sleep on many different aspects of health. It’s no joke.

Reading this post, I'm grateful that my husband's a gamer and always happy to stay up later than me at weekends if he likes!

I'm in bed by 10pm at the latest, and think the biggest, loveliest indulgence is to get into bed at 9pm, knowing I've not got to be up for work, and watch YouTube videos on my phone in bed (we don't have a tv in the bedroom!)

I wake early no matter what. I've pretty much never slept past about 6am in my life, even in my early 20s. If I woke up naturally and the time started with a "7", I'd be over the moon! My mum and sister are the same. So I go to bed early to get a semi-decent amount of sleep.

I was considering writing a post about this but the opposite! My husband sleeps badly and is a very light sleeper. He goes to bed between 9.30 and 10.30 most nights. I've been a night owl throughout adulthood and typically go to bed around 1- it's a win if I'm in bed and ready to sleep by 1 tbh, I'm more commonly coming up to bed at 1 which means another 30 mins to get ready for bed and scroll or read for a bit in bed.

Husband has got really cross last week about me waking him and says we need to do something. However he doesn't want to swap rooms with our daughter (only viable option I can think of, she likes sleeping with me and doesn't wake when I come in and we have no spare room) as 'I'm not being kicked out of my bed.'
So I've been sleeping on the couch/crammed in with one of the kids for a few days but that's shit for me and I'm not going to carry on!
We haven't had the sit down discussion he's said we need yet so not sure if he has better ideas. I know that 1.30 is an unusual time to come to bed I.e. I'm the one out of the norm but I'm not tired at 10.30 - I don't want to come to bed and lie silently and still next to him. I have shit to do.

Not that any of the above is particular helpful to you! Just saying that it's hard for ANYONE to change their body clock. And I suppose it's possible your husband wants you to stay up with him so you don't get arsey when he comes in later but it doesn't sound like you do.

OP, I just pick on two things in your OP.
He says he doesn't want to argue but tells you it's (you are) pathetic.
Domineering?

I’m with you @Skyehigh . I spent years needing to wake at 4.45am and my body just got into the routine. And woe betide me if I deviated from it too much.

Your DH would be better making the most of the time you do have together over dinner and on the weekend days. That he prefers to make you unhappy rather than make a small change himself says more about him than you.

I really wish that I didn't feel tired at that time, it's like trying to shift to a different time zone by trying to stay up past midnight for me. Also a lot of the time, I'll try my best to stay up and fall asleep on the sofa as I physically can't keep myself awake. That'll result in him being just as pissed off at me even though I've tried.

I have tried to get him to come to bed with me more often but he just end up getting back up as he can't sleep at all. Just been wondering if I am pathetic as I can't stay awake by a certain point and maybe need to try harder to stay up but from the bulk of responses I think I'm within my rights to just go to bed by that point 😂

Ps I am not cutting short date nights, nights with friends etc to get to bed on time. This is only the evenings in where we are sat watching TV etc.

Dont ever let anyone tell you not to do something that benefits your lifestyle and well being, or make you feel like shit for prioritising yourself vs them.

Go to bed when your tired, and when he starts to give you shit - Stop - i went to bed because I was tired, if you have a problem with that, its not my responsibility to control your emotions, you need to deal with that, not me.

You are not responsible for making him happy, you are not responsible for making him accept it, youre not responsible for his emotions.

DH and I are also on completely different sleep schedules, so we have diferent bed in different rooms on a different floor - ha ha! Would highly recommend 👌

P.S. You should definitely go to bed when you need to and he should ensure he's quiet when he gets into bed. I'm sure you are equally respectful when you get up early.

Tell him to set his alarm earlier if he wants more time with you .

I would be proper pissed off if in Saturday night my husband went to bed at 9.30 don't you ever go out together? We only start to eat just before then

RTFT

I have ...

She has read the read. I think what is meant is that she wouldn't be happy if her husband had such a vastly different sleep routine.

You end up like ships that passed in the night.

It depends why he's arguing about it. It must be pretty lonely to be by yourself every evening and perhaps he wants to spend time together. However, I can understand being tired and wanting to stick to a routine.