DW smartphone scrolling - the ultimate turn-off

[JustAnotherRandomGuy]

DW (46) and I (47) are happily married, but over the last few years someone new has joined our relationship. Its the social media platforms. Tiktok/Instagram/Facebook, you get the trend of scrolling.
I feel like I have to compete with a phone for affection. Even during a hug, I am just a phone rest and its a huge turn-off.
I have had so much advice on 'Talk to your partner', which I have, and I have also had the advice of dont blame the scrolling, something else is a problem.

Am I being unresonable and interpreting the endless scrolling as a threat to our relationship ?

What do you do when she’s on her phone? Would you feel the same if she was sat reading a book? Is it all the time or during free time/kids finally in bed/resting?

Yes annoying and I’ve got rid of Facebook but still on here a lot! I will sometimes go on my phone if dh is watching something I’m not bothered about as I don’t want to demand to change channel. What are you doing at the same time? If you’re trying to have a conversation scrolling is rude but if you’re just chilling it’s a pretty normal waste of time.

Its everywhere. watching telly, in bed, in the car. Even during a snuggle, the phone buzzes and if DW can, the phone is picked up. I do get the scrolling whilst watching TV or bored.

You're jealous of the attention not being on you constantly. That's weird.

If she's not having any conversations with you at all, or paying any attention, then yeah there's a problem... Not necessarily with the existance of the phone, more like she's just not into you anymore. If she's just scrolling during quiet moments when you think she should be gazing into your eyes silently, or sitting and waiting for your command, the only problem is you really.

Good question,
Kids are all fledged the house, its only the 2 of us. I am not bothered by the random scrolling, I am bothered that DW is ALWAYS scrolling.
Perhaps always tired

I am jelous - but you have put words in my mouth which I did not say.
but what would run through your mind if you got in bed with your partner, you got a glint in your eye started giving him a massage. And he reaches over, picks up the phone and starts scrolling tiktok.
I promise you that he will be kicked to the kerb faster than he can say calm down.

what would run through your mind if you got in bed with your partner, you got a glint in your eye started giving him a massage. And he reaches over, picks up the phone and starts scrolling tiktok

I would get the clear message that the other person didn't want to have sex with me at that moment, and do something else instead.

You’ve mentioned your wife almost seeming to reach for phone during moments of intimacy.
Has intimacy levels changed in recent years? How long ago did children leave?

And this continues week after week after week.

thanks, my qestion was answered.

Sorry, I have more questions. What happens when you go out? At a restaurant, to visit a place or people , holidays etc? At home in general, do you talk, laugh, is there intimacy (not necessarily sexual) ?

Ugh my DH does this too. And we have young kids.

I am tempted to take a daily picture of him on the sofa, feet up, watching scrap on TV whilst doom scrolling on his phone. Then print them all out and make a collage!

Such a turn off!!

Sounds like she’s a bit bored. It can happen when you’ve been a relationship for a long time and there are no distractions such as children.

DD left about a year ago. Itimacy was great up to just past lockdown, now not so much. The empty nest timelines are similar, but the social media thing started before DD left the house

Well, surely the issue then is not her phone use. You describe it as 'the ultimate turn off', but surely the issue is that she doesn't want to have sex with you, and you're clearly irritated with her, so maybe it's time for a serious conversation about whether your relationship has a future? Behaviour is communication.

It could simply be a bit of an addiction for dw. Smart phones are designed to be totally addictive as people can fill up on news, gossip, shopping whatever they want. Over time this becomes a habit that often soothes anxiety.
I think it’s interesting that it occurred around lockdowns. Likely anxiety started it potentially. DD leaving likely also provoked some anxiety and the comfort of the phone starts to take over.
But it does sound detrimental to your relationship. Could you suggest date night or activity together once a week but with no phone? Also don’t forget for women passion and affection are not so instant as for men. Often men will see their wife as turning down affection at the end of the day as totally unrelated to how the day went in general. It’s an old joke but a true one that there’s nothing so sexy as a man who’s done some housework and made the dinner!

Going out is great, long walks, new experiences, they are all fun for both of us. Home on the other hand is alot of work, have to invent new ways to keep the house a place for fun. (Chores get overwhelming otherwise)

She doesn't want to have sex with you - that's the actual issue here. The phone is a red herring.

Have you tried communication, such as asking her why her libido has fallen? I find men who can't be bothered to have adult discussions such a turn off, I'd rather scroll TikTok than shag them too tbh.

Yeah it's because you want sex and it seems she doesn't. Have you asked her why/talked to her about it?

😂I do most of the cooking/cleaning/laundry. I work from home most days so its only fair to be honest.

We do have a date night, but really think it should be expanded to weekends in new places. I kind of 'Live in the moment'

She's checked out mate.
Probably staying for the lifestyle and financial security. You say the kids have moved out so I'm guessing you have been together a long time? The question for you is are you happy to be companions at this point in your life.