To ask if it should it be easier by now? Marriage post baby :(

[aneesa89]

My husband and I just do not see eye to eye or feel like part of the same team at the moment. I am omitting certain personal details for anonymity but we have an older baby (not yet 1 though) and I return to work relatively soon. We did bicker and argue sometimes before baby but generally got on so well, particularly when I was pregnant and even with a newborn. Steadily from baby being around 4 months things have become strained between us. I think my husband thinks I should find it easier by now, but I am still finding the total change of identity and mental load quite hard to manage. He is active and hands on with baby, does more than his equal share of housework, but observes that I seem to still be stressed all the time which makes him feel inadequate and like he is not doing enough for us. I don’t have much time to myself at all these days and we definitely don’t have much time for each other. We have communicated and we both sort of feel as though the other doesn’t like us very much. I want to know how normal it is at this stage, and when it gets easier? Is there anything we can do or tips people have if you have experienced this too? It makes me really worried that it is a sign of incompatibility and I am picturing the worst, like growing more distant and eventually separating - it really plays on my mind and I’m not sure what we can do.

Very common, I would say. You baby is still very young and at and age many, many people find difficult and draining. Some people find after 1yrs old easier, some it's after 2yrs (I was personally after 2yrs – but I had twins). My DH and I most definitely argue more since having the kids, but we are in a very strong relationship by and large.

It's not helpful for your DH to internalise and perceive your stressors as his faults. Couples counselling for parenting can be useful at this stage, if you can afford it. DH and I had a few sessions years ago since we found we approached parenting quite differently.

My twins are now 7yrs old and we still argue more than we did before them. But it's up to us, individually as adults, to have a healthy perception of that every day that it's needed. If either of you as an unhealthy approach to conflict, that's the danger.

If you can't afford counselling then both of you reading up on conflict resolution is a good step. But don't do the work for him – you are not his relationship counsellor.

Thank you

The first two years were pretty hard on me physically and mentally and my husband definitely felt the way you say yours does at times. Our DC are 2.5 and 5 now and it's a lot easier. Everyone gets (more or less) enough sleep and we both get a few hours to ourselves each week. If you can identify exactly what you each find stressful and work together to address that, it's really helpful, because it's likely that you have different strengths and weaknesses. For me, night wakings were really hard on me but not for my DH, so he took over the majority once I stopped breastfeeding. He finds dealing with tantrums and sibling fights harder, but it doesn't bother me.