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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Narcissist sister causing family issues

26 replies

Bluerose2 · 26/08/2025 21:46

I think my sister may be a narcissist and my family including myself have been jumping through hoops to meet her demands since I was little.
I was often told to apologise to her even though I was assured that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that it was good to be the bigger person etc. Cut to me being an adult and I’m still doing the same thing and caving into her demands.
I now have 2 DC including one with quite significant send. I also have a full time job so I feel like I am at my limit even without any extra stress. Something in me cannot take it anymore. I have tried putting in boundaries with my sister but she managing to get to me through my Mum now. We are very close as a family and I’ve always been close and had a good relationship with my Mum but I keep being put in unreasonable positions because my parents have no interest in telling my sister she’s wrong or unreasonable and I feel like it’s really having an adverse effect on my relationship with DM. My sister now lives abroad which is helpful but we’ve had a lot of drama whenever she visits and this time it’s because she wants me to be somewhere I can’t be with my DC and she’s got in a strop because I’ve said no. DM is trying to accommodate her and asking me to compromise, putting pressure on my DH to get involved too. This keeps happening, it’s constant in my life and I’m fed up of it, no one has ever told her she’s unreasonable in fact they go out of their way to please her and they often put her needs before mine because they know I won’t have tantrum about it. I did try to tell her she’s unreasonable once but none of the family backed me up and it ended up in a big argument where I looked like the bad person.
I do love my family but this isn’t working for me.
AIBU to create some distance?

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 26/08/2025 21:49

No definitely not, wish I'd done it years ago.

Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 22:02

A lot of this is utterly shite parenting on the part of your parents

I mean… I was often told to apologise to her even though I was assured that I hadn’t done anything wrong

FFS parent up.

Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 22:04

You put all the blame on your sister
and none on your entire family who don’t seem to have a backbone between them

Original poster
Bluerose2 · 26/08/2025 22:26

Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 22:04

You put all the blame on your sister
and none on your entire family who don’t seem to have a backbone between them

Good point, I’m probably included in the one that don’t have a backbone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluerose2 · 26/08/2025 22:27

Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 22:02

A lot of this is utterly shite parenting on the part of your parents

I mean… I was often told to apologise to her even though I was assured that I hadn’t done anything wrong

FFS parent up.

Yes, I’ve had a lot of therapy to address this but it still impacts how I am now.

OP posts:
Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 22:31

Bluerose2 · 26/08/2025 22:26

Good point, I’m probably included in the one that don’t have a backbone.

Show quote history

Your sister sounds unpleasant

your parents though… utterly pathetic. Forcing one of the children to apologise for the other despite saying that the child made to apologise had done nothing done.

They were abusive to you op.

your parents are where the blame lies

TheTwitcher11 · 26/08/2025 22:39

Bluerose2 · 26/08/2025 21:46

I think my sister may be a narcissist and my family including myself have been jumping through hoops to meet her demands since I was little.
I was often told to apologise to her even though I was assured that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that it was good to be the bigger person etc. Cut to me being an adult and I’m still doing the same thing and caving into her demands.
I now have 2 DC including one with quite significant send. I also have a full time job so I feel like I am at my limit even without any extra stress. Something in me cannot take it anymore. I have tried putting in boundaries with my sister but she managing to get to me through my Mum now. We are very close as a family and I’ve always been close and had a good relationship with my Mum but I keep being put in unreasonable positions because my parents have no interest in telling my sister she’s wrong or unreasonable and I feel like it’s really having an adverse effect on my relationship with DM. My sister now lives abroad which is helpful but we’ve had a lot of drama whenever she visits and this time it’s because she wants me to be somewhere I can’t be with my DC and she’s got in a strop because I’ve said no. DM is trying to accommodate her and asking me to compromise, putting pressure on my DH to get involved too. This keeps happening, it’s constant in my life and I’m fed up of it, no one has ever told her she’s unreasonable in fact they go out of their way to please her and they often put her needs before mine because they know I won’t have tantrum about it. I did try to tell her she’s unreasonable once but none of the family backed me up and it ended up in a big argument where I looked like the bad person.
I do love my family but this isn’t working for me.
AIBU to create some distance?

If it’s not suitable for my SEN child then I’m not attending - same way I will never force people to attend things that they or their families can’t or won’t enjoy!

Campingisnexttogodliness · 26/08/2025 22:41

Congratulations op you actually DO have a backbone. So use it.

SapphOhNo · 26/08/2025 22:43

You have a DM issue more than a sister issue.

Say no, stick to it. Tell your DM to back off is she applies pressure. Stick to it. Tell her she is risking your relationship applying pressure.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 26/08/2025 22:46

SapphOhNo · 26/08/2025 22:43

You have a DM issue more than a sister issue.

Say no, stick to it. Tell your DM to back off is she applies pressure. Stick to it. Tell her she is risking your relationship applying pressure.

This.

Honestly I was only free of my sister when our mother died.

There is now no one alive who can force me into seeing my sister. I have completely cut contact.

I wish I had told my mother do one years before she died in regards to my sister.

The peace without this shit in my life is amazing.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 26/08/2025 22:53

As usually happens with these people, everyone pussyfoots around them.
Then as soon as you have eventually had enough of their shyte and won't tow the party line, you find others don't like it. They either don't want the stress or they want you to make it easier for them, so you end up being the lone voice, the bad one.

You have 2 choices here, OP.

Either keep allowing her to behave like this forever more; or stand up for yourself and quit accepting her behaviour (no matter the consequences of you standing firm).

I've had to do the standing up part in the last few years, so I hear you, OP.
Yes, it's put me out on a limb and it appears I'm now the black sheep.
But life is so SO much more peaceful without a destructive narcissist blowing everything up at every opportunity.

Good luck 💐

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 06:29

Your parents have really done a number on your sister.

They have managed to give you the clear impression that their appalling parenting is actually nothing to do with them but all to do with your sister. I see both you and your sister as the victims of two awful parents

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2025 09:36

Your DSis may be a Narc but your DPs have encouraged it all these years, of course she now expects her own way all the time. You're going to get grief from your DM but stand strong Op, you need to set an example to your child.

MindfulAndDemure · 27/08/2025 10:15

If they are fussy footing around her because they know that she will cause drama, take a leaf out of her playbook. Make a drama.

Original poster
Bluerose2 · 27/08/2025 11:17

Thank you for the replies, it’s really interesting because I always thought sister was the issue and it’s now making sense that I also need to hold parents accountable for their actions. I’ve also done exactly what my parents have done over the years and often given into my sister and rewarded her behaviour so as not to case arguments.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 27/08/2025 11:23

When I had therapy over my family I was told it's very common to fall into the trap of just following the family way and it's also very common to only feel the strength and need to break free from that when it affects your own children.

The first few times you say no, and stick to it, there will likely be a lot of drama and fuss. However, it gets easier to say and people will soon realise you mean it.

Your parents were shit expecting you to cede to your sister all the time. You're already showing yourself as a better parent by saying "no, that doesn't work for my child so I'm not going".

My way of dealing with it was one explanation than basic reinforcement.
"We're not going to join that because it doesn't work for X because Y"
Then after "as I've already said, we're not coming. How is Mary's foot?/have you heard from Dave recently?". No debate or discussing.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 27/08/2025 11:46

Bluerose2 · 27/08/2025 11:17

Thank you for the replies, it’s really interesting because I always thought sister was the issue and it’s now making sense that I also need to hold parents accountable for their actions. I’ve also done exactly what my parents have done over the years and often given into my sister and rewarded her behaviour so as not to case arguments.

I mean your sister is who she is, as is mine.

But it's parents enabling the histrionics that perpetuates the problem.

Rumors1 · 27/08/2025 11:54

OP I have a similar issue with my brother. He causes ructions in the family but everyone pussyfoots around him so as not to cause more drama. He is a violent alcoholic but not one treats him like that. He also lives abroad and is treated like the prodigal son when he comes home for a holiday.
He has physically assaulted me in the past and I got told off for provoking him.

Last year I had enough and told everyone I didnt want to see him when he came for a visit. I got grief from my parents who rang me a few times trying to pressurize me to meet with him. I kept firm and they said they were disappointed with me. I said I was disappointed with them for not protecting me over the years from him but I wasnt falling out with them over so I expected the same courtesy from them. They backed off.
He is due back in a few weeks and I know I will get the same pressure but I will be saying the same thing. He causes me too much upset and I refuse to act like he isnt a problem.

Best of luck, its hard when your family dont support your decision, but remember they are part of the problem too,

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2025 12:33

Rumors1 · 27/08/2025 11:54

OP I have a similar issue with my brother. He causes ructions in the family but everyone pussyfoots around him so as not to cause more drama. He is a violent alcoholic but not one treats him like that. He also lives abroad and is treated like the prodigal son when he comes home for a holiday.
He has physically assaulted me in the past and I got told off for provoking him.

Last year I had enough and told everyone I didnt want to see him when he came for a visit. I got grief from my parents who rang me a few times trying to pressurize me to meet with him. I kept firm and they said they were disappointed with me. I said I was disappointed with them for not protecting me over the years from him but I wasnt falling out with them over so I expected the same courtesy from them. They backed off.
He is due back in a few weeks and I know I will get the same pressure but I will be saying the same thing. He causes me too much upset and I refuse to act like he isnt a problem.

Best of luck, its hard when your family dont support your decision, but remember they are part of the problem too,

Kudos to you! I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. I sincerely hope the OP does the same.

NachoChip · 27/08/2025 13:13

Agree with a lot of posters here.

Is there a way in which, if your family won't stand up to her, they just stay out of it.

So, if your sister moans to your Mum about you, your Mum just says she doesn't know what's going on and to take it up with you. Similarly, your Mum leaves you two alone and doesn't get involved. At least that way, your relationship with your Mum is protected and your sister's narcissism can be isolated rather than a cancer that's eating away at all your family ties. And you just have one difficult person to deal with (or ignore) rather than it being a pile on in which you have to surrender every time.

It must be so frustrating and upsetting. Your parents really need to take a look in the mirror.

Lucysstuff · 27/08/2025 13:14

Bluerose2 · 27/08/2025 11:17

Thank you for the replies, it’s really interesting because I always thought sister was the issue and it’s now making sense that I also need to hold parents accountable for their actions. I’ve also done exactly what my parents have done over the years and often given into my sister and rewarded her behaviour so as not to case arguments.

And you say you’ve had a lot of therapy?!

Original poster
Bluerose2 · 27/08/2025 16:58

Thank you all for sharing your stories, I’m sorry that others have been through similar. It is very hard. I have a lot of admiration to anyone who has been strong enough to come out the other side. @NachoChip that’s what I want to try and start doing and if it doesn’t work then I need to put more boundaries up.
My parents have been loving and supportive in many other ways, so I’m conflicted but I’m starting to see things another way now.
@Lucysstuff yes I have had a lot of therapy in working on my confidence and how this has all made me feel. I’ve discussed issues with my sister at length and a bit about my parents too, but I’ve never really blamed my parents for any of it. Even though therapist has mentioned that this shouldn’t have happened when I was a child. I’m guessing she doesn’t want to focus on it if it hasn’t been how I’ve felt.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/08/2025 18:03

She'll have dropped the hint and waited for you to be ready to see it for yourself.

I'm afraid your parents let you and her both down, badly, as a PP said.

You're doing well in protecting your child with SEND and yourself. You shouldn't have to handle this and you're right, the point comes where you are stretched too thin and something has to give. It shouldn't be you.

Tracklement · 27/08/2025 19:24

Bluerose2 · 27/08/2025 11:17

Thank you for the replies, it’s really interesting because I always thought sister was the issue and it’s now making sense that I also need to hold parents accountable for their actions. I’ve also done exactly what my parents have done over the years and often given into my sister and rewarded her behaviour so as not to case arguments.

your therapist is not a good therapist if it took a few posters on mumsnet to open your mind to fact that the fault lies squarely at the feet of your pathetic parents

arcticpandas · 27/08/2025 19:39

I agree with pp that your parents have created a monster. What if they had held her accountable when younger and stood their ground and encouraged you to do so- she might not have developed into such a selfish egocentric person.

My DS1 is autistic and I do sometimes have to tell DS2 to not upset him by doing something that triggers him. But it's different because we know his triggers and it has nothing to do with him being entitled but all to do with heavy OCD and when triggered he self harms during his autistic meltdown.
Except for his triggers that he can't control I have encouraged DS2 to not pussyfoot around him (OK not that wording:) and not accept any bad behaviour on his part. It sure doesn't make my life easier because they do bicker a lot but at the same time noone is being made to feel that they don't have a voice and right to assert boundaries. I think what your parents did was bad for you but also for your sister ; going through life like an entitled brat make relationships and friendships hard...