It’s a FIL one.

[Losangeles]

I can’t stand FIL. DH had a really shitty childhood because FIL was (and still is) a complete asshole. He was abusive to DH and has never worked. MIL works 5 days a week to support their lifestyle and struggles as she is not in great health but can’t afford to retire. On the outside they appear to be very “prim and proper” and happy. MIL is a dream. She’s lovely.
DH has no siblings.

FIL also has been really nasty to MIL and said some unforgivable things (yes, she somehow forgave him). I have never been FIL biggest fan, but until he was really nasty to MIL I was able to tolerate him. I was taking FIL food shopping every now and then too to take the pressure off MIL as FIL doesn’t drive and never do I get even a thank you from FIL. He’s selfish and ungrateful and unkind.

what has now really pissed me off is that he’s been at my house visiting and he’s opened my bloody post and told Dh I need to action the things he opened! It’s nothing important but that’s besides the point. I’m pretty sure FIL thinks he oversees everything because he’s the oldest male.

DH is aware of my views on his dad however he chose to forgive his dad for what he did to MIL and move on when she forgave him. I can’t. I can’t tolerate him and now him opening my post has pissed me off beyond belief. I think DH is constantly seeking approval from his dad and tries so hard to build that father son bond that they have never had. FIL makes little to no effort with Dh.

i don’t want to upset mil or dh but how do you put on a brave face and pretend to like someone who is a complete fucking moron?!

DH won’t stand up to his dad as in their culture it’s not the done thing, however he will politely have a quiet word.

i just can’t pretend to like him anymore.

I don’t even really know why i posted I just needed to vent! Apologies for it being all jumbled I’m holding a baby and writing through rage!

How did he get hold of your post?

You obviously can’t rely on your Dh to stand up to his father after a lifetime of being beta in the pack, as it were. Maybe you can be the one to bollock his dominant nasty ass? Opening your post, how dare he?!

He was at our house. It was on the side as I had got it from the post box that morning

The outrage it would cause if I spoke up isn’t worth it. I’m not really sure how to explain this but Dh family have a thing about pride and how they look to other people. Me speaking up especially as a female would cause a huge rift that we wouldn’t recover from so I feel stuck but so angry at the same time!

So none of you will speak up to him, he will just carry on bully you all because he can.

It’s actually a criminal offence to open someone else’s post without their consent in England. Just saying.

If FIL being what he is, is normal in their family and wider culture I don’t think there’s anything you can do without leaving, honestly.

So what?

What's the worst that can happen? They never speak to you again? Doesn't sound too bad, really. Just because MIL and DH have chosen to be doormats they don't get to ensure you're one too.

Stand up for yourself. Tell him he was out of order opening your post and he won't be doing it again if he wants to set foot over the threshold and into your home.

This is what I’m struggling with. I’m not going to leave Dh, he’s brilliant but I’m struggling to put on a brave and polite face anymore. I might just have to distance myself from FIL and stop helping out. If I look like the bad guy it’s a lot better then being the bad guy because I got into a heated argument if that makes sense

It’s not that easy with cultural differences and MIL is an important part of mine and our dcs life too. MIL is a huge support for us emotionally and has a close relationship with our dc too. Hence my frustration at the situation

Why is that relevant?

Might make it even worse!

He opened your post?!! OMG I’d be fuming.
You HAVE to call him out on this. Do you have children? Do you want them to grow up thinking people can behave like this?

Unless you and/or your DH are prepared to stand up to him, I don't see how you think anything will change to be honest.

Opened your post?

I would blow it wide open. Offer MIL to come and live with you while she finalises her divorce. Go over and open all his post. Ring items on his bank statement in red.

And never ever let him over the threshold again. He is a bully. And i have zero truck with bullies.

Go off the bloody deep end, honestly. He deserves it, and if you go hard enough it will be so much of a shock to the abusive arsehole that he'll be too scared to try his shit on you again.

With any luck it'll give DH and MIL a bit of reslove to resist him if they see someone standing up to him too.

At the very least, OP, set a boundary that he’s not allowed unsupervised in your house. If no one will confront him, your DH will just have to make sure that he watches him like a hawk whenever he’s around.

Me speaking up especially as a female would cause a huge rift that we wouldn’t recover from so I feel stuck but so angry at the same time!

He's causing a huge rift with you! Look, either you buy into the culture or you don't. If you buy into it, you have to accept that you're going to be on the receiving end of stuff you don't like, and a lifetime of biting your tongue. Otherwise you have to stand up to it. There's no middle ground.

There's already a rift. You're stressed out and frustrated because your insides don't match your outsides. His behaviour is unacceptable, and you won't tolerate it. It's ok to voice this to your DH, and to your MIL, and still remain in close relationships with both of them. It will probably get easier because you won't be biting your lip. Stop taking that fuckwit shopping, steer as clear as possible and get your DH to tell him very clearly that if he is to be welcome in your house again he must respect you and that means no opening post. Firm and clear boundaries are your friend here.

I also have a cock of an alpha FIL. Nobody else stood up to him so I did. I am fully no contact with him now, DH and the kids still communicate with them and go to visit (different continent) but I stand by my decision to stand up to him and have no regrets. Someone's it moves the family dynamic along nicely, a little soul searching doesn't hurt anybody.

It is illegal to open someone else's mail without permission. FIL is beyond CF. Why does he not work? Does he have a private source of income, yet his wife works?

Honestly, is it that simple.

You have two choices, say nothing and everyone can continue to controlled by FIL or stand up for yourself.

I might just have to distance myself from FIL and stop helping out.

Of course you should stop helping him out, holy shit!! At minimum.

Can you articulate exactly what you think would happen if you stood up to him? Are you okay with your children modelling you and your husband's kowtowing to an abusive man? Why does his family's culture of "pride" and bullying and enabling abuse override your culture and your values?