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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this happen to a lot of people after having a child?!

22 replies

Yestotof · 26/08/2025 20:01

My DD is 3 and I have become a bit of an arse since having her.

I have no patience outside of being patient for her.

I don’t hesitate to complain in a restaurant or hotel or shop, salon etc as my free time is now so precious that I feel huge frustration if something doesn’t go to plan.

I see misogyny everywhere now and that makes me feel bitter and speak out about it.

If I don’t want to do something I’ve started not giving a shit how others feel. I just say no.

I used to have so much more compassion, so much more understanding of others and what they may be going through. That version of me seems to have entirely vanished! Just me…?!

OP posts:
Echobelly · 26/08/2025 20:02

Didn't happen to me but I think, for the reasons you explain, it's not an unreasonable response to becoming a parent and the stresses it puts on you.

SoloMumJustMuddlingThrough · 26/08/2025 20:27

It didn't happen to me. But I don't think you're unreasonable... having a child very often DOES change us in unexpected ways.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2025 20:29

It hasn’t happened to me, if anything I’d say I’ve gone probably too far the other way in that I am a lot less stressy/bothered, for example it would take something being really terrible for me to complain because I so rarely get a break that when I do anything is better than nothing😂

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 26/08/2025 20:31

I feel like my dc3 has made me more patient.

and also I’m very aware when I’m stressed he can sense it, so I just let it go, he slow and go with the flow
I’ve learnt to be more patient, drive even slower and have more empathy and compassion

NuovaPilbeam · 26/08/2025 20:31

How old are you?

Ive started getting like this but I suspect it is perimenopause.

BestZebbie · 26/08/2025 20:32

Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2025 20:29

It hasn’t happened to me, if anything I’d say I’ve gone probably too far the other way in that I am a lot less stressy/bothered, for example it would take something being really terrible for me to complain because I so rarely get a break that when I do anything is better than nothing😂

Yeah, this was more my experience - in my 20s I'd wade in with my righteous outrage but since having a child I'm more likely to just think 'oh dear, someone needs a nap/poo' if I see an annoying adult and not kick off, I presumed it was evolution making sure you get back to your baby/your baby doesn't get caught in any crossfire.

TaborlinTheGreat · 26/08/2025 20:33

Didn't happen to me. It made me slightly more emotional about certain things for a while, but apart from that no change in personality!

Didimum · 26/08/2025 20:34

Fairly common, I think. I felt (and still feel) similarly, but it manifested in a bit of a different way in that many other things that riled me up before now don’t touch the sides, and I’m much calmer – I simply don’t have the bandwidth for pointless emotions, so it filters in and out very quickly.

Lammveg · 26/08/2025 20:36

Kind of happened to me. I became more assertive as I cant let DD grow up like I did and let everyone walk all over her.

Cutleryclaire · 26/08/2025 20:38

I’m not quick to complain but I certainly don’t worry about people pleasing so much. I’m much direct as I don’t have the spare mental energy to skirt around. And I love it. It’s so liberating to discover that you don’t need to worry about how everything is interpreted and absolutely nothing bad happens when you just say what you think.

Unic0rnSparkle0405 · 26/08/2025 20:39

I feel you there OP I could have written this about myself. I’m way more emotional in general too, I just feel like I haven’t got the time, patience or energy for anything else outside of my 2yo son. I don’t ever get any free time to myself, if I’m honest I think it’s a result of burn out.

Elsvieta · 27/08/2025 12:37

Well it makes a change from the women who say they've become so much MORE compassionate since having kids. The ones who claim to be so much more upset than anyone else by a news story about a murdered baby and suchlike.

Livpool · 27/08/2025 19:26

No - being a mother hasn’t made me obnoxious. I worry more

Newsenmum · 27/08/2025 19:27

Life is hard and if you put all your patience into your child then it’s all used up.

You also realise so many other things aren’t important and you dont care what others think.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2025 19:34

I think becoming a mother often forces people to focus more on what they need out of life because theres so much less time. So you are less likely to indulge time wasters, fair weather friends and people who are a drain on your time and energy.

I also think it makes you much more aware how much the playing field is stacked against women. If you work and unless your partner is pretty special and unusual it’s very likely that you are doing a much larger share of the domestic load and finding it much harder to advance at work than him. Being a working mum has a habit of awakening feminism in women who previously thought that war had been won.

Almostwelsh · 27/08/2025 19:34

I think we become a lot more selfish after having children. Your priority is your little ball of DNA, nothing else. Even some supposedly selfless things some people do, their motivation is to make a better life for their child. Getting emotional over children in peril on the news for example, doesn't mean you're more sympathetic, it just means you're imagining your own child in that situation.

Lmnop22 · 27/08/2025 19:37

Didn’t happen to me and probably the opposite happened. Toddlers are so trying that my patience for literally anything else was almost infinite 😂

User37482 · 27/08/2025 19:48

I definitely became more of a feminist after having my DD. I’m still not that assertive but that has improved somewhat. I cannot read any news stories involving child abuse. Just can’t do it.

But yes I do think having a child changes you.

MummySleepDeprived · 27/08/2025 20:59

I felt quite violent after mine but also less likely to argue with rude men on the street because I wouldn't want to put my child at risk. I may be a mama bear but I'm not stupid.

Example:
After having one too many dogs jump on the pushchair I was wary of dogs.

I veered slightly away from a man with two unleashed bully breeds. He then shouted at me and threatened to hit me. Out of our local finest.

Normal me who comes from a rough US city would not have stood for that shit but mummy me let it go and didn't say anything. But I know I'd snap the neck of a dog who attacked and I felt murderous to that man.

I have also fantasised about throwing a few cyclists and scooter riders to the ground who nearly ran my kid over...

I have a very respectable civil service job, I swear. I wore a skirt to the office today and I make crumble for my colleagues.

DoRayMeMeMe · 27/08/2025 21:08

I definitely am quicker to see and say something about misogyny.

But in restaurants and the like I really try to be more patient, so as to make it a better world for my daughters to step into.

One thing I always always do though, is give praise and complements to young people and women of all ages in a professional capacity. I go out of my way to be positive about people to their boss.

Flamingoknees · 27/08/2025 21:16

Not me. I have however changed from someone who was terrified of insects and spiders, to someone who will scoop them up in my hand and put them outside. The idea being not to share my fears. I'm cured, but my DS is 14 and still terrified despite my brave efforts 😅

blythet · 27/08/2025 21:20

This is how I felt when I was perimenopausal….since starting HRT it’s reduced a lot but still there a bit.

not sure what age you are but just in case that could be a factor

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