I don't know if I want kids..

[Habesha91]

Hi everyone, so I've been battling with myself whether to have a baby or not. I haven't felt strong maternal instinct except for sometimes where I see mums with babies on social media etc but then it wears off. The way I see it is that I don't see any importance in having kids, I am still yet to understand how having a kid is going to add happiness in my life.

I feel happy in my life except for some moment of what ifs etc. Then I think of how hard it's going to be and how my life is going to change. I'm 37 years old now and feel like time is running out till I make my mind. I dream how it would be nice to have a kid of my own and the things I could do with them.

Just to note that I have severe anxiety, anxious most of the time and don't like things that stress me out. I also don't like rushing and doing a lot of tasks during the day. I'm an introvert and not really social, I enjoy spending time at my home. I also have mild depression where I feel like doing nothing most of the time. I stress too much and overthink too much which doesn't help as well.

The future of our world concerns me, nothing feels safe anymore and uncertainty puts me off. My husband on the other hand is open to kids and easy going. With all these points in mind, does it mean I don't want kids or scared to have one?

Thanks!

Only you can say whether you want children or not. For what it’s worth I would say if you struggle with leaving the house, socialising, don’t like rushing/being busy, like being in the house doing nothing and don’t like things that stress you out then you’d probably struggle with a child & don’t want one. None of those things are really compatible with having a child and I would also say that having a child is a huge life changing thing, if you’re not sure you want it then I’d worry about how that would actually pan out if you were to try it.

I’d also really stress the importance of a good support system, especially if you already suffer with anxiety/depression as this increases your chances of suffering PPD/PPA.

Based on what you've said I wouldn't have kids. It's a lot of work and worry and rushing about and stress...if you don't have a strong urge then I wouldn't put yourself through it all to be honest.

The hardest part of not knowing whether you want kids, is that no one can tell you what the “right” answer is, or see into the future.

I left it and left it and then had my kids at 40 and 41. I have found it to be the best thing I ever did. But that’s me and my life. Not you and your life.

best of luck with whatever you decide

Having kids is overwhelming and all consuming. I believe people should only become parents if they are really sure they want to.

Personally, I wouldn't have had children unless it was something I really wanted. I have had quite serious mental health issues, and I was really scared about how it would affect me. And, it was harder than I could ever have imagined. But, having children was all I ever wanted, and although having children has been exceptionally difficult, especially in the early days, it is also the best thing I have ever done.

Cheesy as it sounds, follow your heart.

I didn’t even give it a second thought until I was nearly 40. DH and I had been together for 20 years and were really happy.

We had done a lot of what we wanted to do, the usual stuff of world travel and pretty much doing anything that took our fancy with absolutely no commitments other than to each other.

It then dawned on me that it would be quite nice to have a DC so we tried and DS was born a couple of years later.

It’s the best thing we ever did but equally it wasn’t even on my radar for the first 2 decades of our relationship.

It is tiring but there are quite a few benefits of being older parents such as financial security, flexibility at work etc.

We’ve pretty much done life the opposite way around to many others.

Unless you 100% want kids, don’t have them.

It’s better to regret not having kids, than regretting having kids. A lot of kids born to parents who didn’t want them grow up with all sorts of trauma and issues.

Sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into wanting kids, but why would you want to do that? Some people on here have said that having kids was one of the best things they ever did. I was on the fence for many years and absolutely longed for a baby at times, but I'm 45 now and still childfree. Not having kids is one of the best decisions I ever made!

No one is necessarily immune from regret whatever choices they make in life. Don't underestimate the pressure that women are under to have children, and how much having children is still portrayed as 'the norm'. It can be hard to work out what YOU want amongst all the noise

You don't want kids. That's ok.

You can only decide for yourself, know that having DC is very hard work, especially if you're not committed, it is extremely rewarding.
The first 3 years are the toughest imo.
I don't regret taking the plunge.
Don't leave the decision to long, you'll be peri-menopausel in 10 years, that's tough with young children.

do you have any children in your life at all? if so, have you ever looked at them and thought "I want that?" When I was your age I knew we had to decide whether we wanted kids or not in the next couple of years, so I really actively tried to engage with friends/family kids and see if anything made me broody (I had held a baby twice at that point - both times under protest, and never changed a nappy)

After 12 months of as much child experience as I could manage (lots of friends with kids more than happy to try and convert me!), but I hadn't had a moment of imagining myself with a baby, and was always happy to get away from them, so that was an easy decision! (DH would have if I wanted to but didn't especially want kids although he likes them much more than I do). It moved me from being scared of them to just having no real interest in them, so I count it as a worthwhile experiment but just not for me.

Only you will know if you really want them but I think unless you have some type of real broodiness or perhaps an overwhelming desire for your genes to carry on, then perhaps the right thing is not to.

i don't have a moment of regret about not having them - I get to decorate bedrooms and buy presents and teach them swearwords, thats plenty!

I agree with this. I think only people who have that visceral need for a child should have them. So many people have kids without thinking, just because it’s expected, or family pressure, or whatever and live
to regret it.

OP having a child is amazing but also absolutely exhausting, terrifying and all consuming.

don’t do it unless you really want to.

Having a child completely takes over your life, they demand pretty much all your time! that can be really hard even when you wanted them 100%. I think in your position it would be sensible not to have a child.

Kids are all consuming, for a good few years they take up your time, energy and money. Unless you’re 100% sure you want them I wouldn't recommend it.

That being said only you can decide if it’s something you want. If you do decide to go for it you need to make sure you have a proper support network in place. You’ve already said that you struggle to socialise and some days don’t feel like you can do anything. If you decide to have children make sure you have a system in place that allows you to take regular breaks. That could be a partner, a family member, nursery whatever. But unless you can guarantee some regular downtime you’ll likely feel overwhelmed and overstimulated very quickly.

'When I was your age I knew we had to decide whether we wanted kids or not in the next couple of years, so I really actively tried to engage with friends/family kids and see if anything made me broody'

I wish more people did this. A lot of people seem to become parents without the first clue of what babies and children are actually like, what they need, how they develop, or how to even be around them

I’m quite risk averse and I think if you aren’t sure the best thing is to not have a child/children. I think it’s better to wish you had had them than regret a child that you did.

Echo what others have said based on the description of your mental health I’d say don’t. I have one by choice as it’s just so overwhelming.

As above, I don't regret having children.
I would have been happy without children.

I think you are happy, with a good balance, it's not unusual to be child-free, it's actually cool these days, my DD is adamant that DC aren't for her.

More and more women are saying no to 18+ years of responsibility and expense.

Children are amazing for anyone who really wants one, annoying for others, like range rover SUV's. 💖

How would your DH feel child-free? OTOH with a supportive DH, one DC is a gift.