AIBU?

[MMC1529]

Been with my partner around 13 years and we have a house 2 children together and another one on the way. Always had a lovely relationship, both a quite chilled and always mention to eachother how we're best friends and partners. I had x2 quite traumatising emergency csections and due to my last one being abit much for my body I will need to have an elective this time about a month before my due date due to being high risk.

We both agreed 3 kids is what we want and the most we want, so I asked him to get the snip once this pregnancy is over and baby is here. Partner is totally against this. I've tried every method of contraception and it just makes me a raging hormonal mess where I bleed every day and it's just not nice so end up coming off it and using condoms however this year we had a few occasions where condoms we're not reliable due to them splitting and here we are pregnant again.

AIBU to expect him to get the snip? I feel really upset that he's against it after him seeing what iv been through in births previously. He told me to get them to tie my tubes but I feel I don't want to 1. Add more recovery time to my c section healing and 2. I feel my body has been through enough.

I had my tubes tied after my last section. It made no difference whatsoever to the length of time I was in surgery or the recovery.

I had elective section due to high risk pregnancy, Consultant said he would carry out tubal.ligation at the same time as this was def my one and only, I had no symptoms at all, no impact on recovery time either. I agree your Dh is selfish but would absolutely go ahead with Csection and sterilisation in your position

It's unusual to do tube tying at the same time as a casaerian section in case of potentially horrible things happening - your new baby might die shortly after birth or might be discovered to have genetic abnormalities making them seriously disabled. Some people who think they've had all the children they want would change their minds if either of those scenarios happened.

May be worth going to see a contraception specific clinic, often linked to sexual health services, to make sure you've not missed any contraceptive options out / there aren't any new ones you've not come across.

May also be worth asking your consultant (assuming you have them with a high risk pregnancy) who they recommend you talk to about contraception as they should have local knowledge.

Not unreasonable to expect your husband to take some responsibility for contraception.

If it helps to alleviate any worries at all, I had a very similar scenario during my second section but it didn't cause any issues the third time. My bladder was stuck because of adhesions etc from my first section and it took them quite a long time to try and sort it all out. However as I said, it didn't cause any additional issues for the third section (despite them not actually being able to "unstick" my bladder fully the last time).

As for him, tell him the only solution to guarantee no further pregnancies is no sex. If he doesn't like that then oh well. He's entitled to say no to any procedure. But equally so are you. I was asked by a nurse very bluntly (as if it was already assumed) if I would be "getting sterilised" during my third section and she seemed surprised when I said no. My husband is currently on the waiting list for the snip.

If it helps to alleviate any worries at all, I had a very similar scenario during my second section but it didn't cause any issues the third time. My bladder was stuck because of adhesions etc from my first section and it took them quite a long time to try and sort it all out. However as I said, it didn't cause any additional issues for the third section (despite them not actually being able to "unstick" my bladder fully the last time).

As for him, tell him the only solution to guarantee no further pregnancies is no sex. If he doesn't like that then oh well. He's entitled to say no to any procedure. But equally so are you. I was asked by a nurse very bluntly (as if it was already assumed) if I would be "getting sterilised" during my third section and she seemed surprised when I said no. My husband is currently on the waiting list for the snip.

@MMC1529 I just said to my dh, get it done or you dont get it!!!

I felt incredibly let down by my ex dh when he refused to take any responsibility for contraception. It was different in that he hated condoms but he refused the snip despite everything my body had been through (IVF and other procedures, pregnancy, hormonal contraceptive woes etc). I felt I’d sacrificed my body for us but he wasn’t prepared to do something. I know I can’t insist someone does something to their body for me but it didn’t change how disappointed I was in him.

It actually did lead to a lack of sex and intimacy between us. It certainly wasn’t the only factor but that did contribute to the eventual breakdown of our marriage.

My new partner has had the snip 🤣

No advice OP but I totally get where you’re coming from.

I agree with others. In your situation I would definitely get sterilised at the same time.

It's definitely his choice, it's not without complications. My brother had it done and has experienced a lot of pain since. I was surprised because I thought it was a simple procedure without any risk.

Why can't "you" have "the tie" then?

Or even the cap.

Did "you" read "the post" where OP tells us "why"?

Missing the point, but splitting 3 condoms in a year also seems excessive?

Watch what lubes / other products you are using with them because sometimes it can interfere with the integrity of the condom.

Also ensure that you have the right size and are leaving enough space at the tip.

If you are using them correctly, you are either the most unfortunate person or I would wonder what DH is doing to them?

YANBU wanting him to get it done OP but it’s
his body.

DH is refusing too (says condoms will be fine) after seeing me in labour, having one EMCS and one ELCS. My second and final pregnancy was pretty awful due to a diagnosis in pregnancy and my newborn required surgery for what will be an ongoing heath condition. I am still struggling mentally with all of this and feel traumatised I suppose. I nearly had a uterine rupture too so another pregnancy would put both me and our baby at risk. So off I go to get a coil put in again after nearly passing out from the pain the first time I had one.

I know it’s his body but I must admit I feel resentful and I can’t see a way past it… I no longer want to be intimate with him anyway because of this resentment so not sure there’s much point in the contraception.

Sounds like he plans on having more kids no matter what your plans are no matter that you can't - and the only way that can happen is if he thinks he'll be popping out kids with someone else at some point. How horrible for you, of course you're upset.

Yeah, it might be his right but it is a very very selfish thing to do to the mother of your children, especially when you have already suffered so much - and always makes me think they're intending on having more kids, one way or another.

I don’t think you can use one person’s procedure/surgery as ammunition against another’s. They are separate things.

Not in this case. The issue is reproduction, which they do together. One team member has had numerous major surgeries as part of this activity, been through significant pain, and has suffered intense discomfort caused by the medications she took to help the team get better results.

The other team member has done exactly zero of this, is refusing to have a single minor surgery to get them to the finish line, and couldn't even manage to use non-invasive, non-medical condoms correctly to improve their result.

OP, does he sneakily want you to have more babies??

Absolutely incorrect. They are both autonomous and separate bodies. One person’s choice of what to do with their body should never, ever be used as ammunition towards what another ought to do with theirs.

It can be part of the discussion of what a pair decide to do for contraception, but never tit for tat. A no is a no, in all things concerning procedures on one’s own body, and should be respected.

Any man that watches his partner give birth three times and then point blank refuses to have a simple day procedure to ease their situation is a cunt.

I think most men feel queasy at the thought of it. Tell him to ask round his friends and it may put his mind at ease. Most men are worried it will affect their virility and just don't want anyone fiddling with their pride and joy 🤣. My DH had it done, walked like a cowboy for a few hours then wished he hadn't driven a minibus of kids hundreds of miles up to Scotland, but was relieved to find no permanent damage done. He agreed I'd taken enough hits with horrible pills and pregnancies. He should have it done if he wants sex with you.

It’s up to him as it’s his body but I flatly refused to take anymore hormonal contraceptives after having the children. I have two invasive births and quite frankly I was done with my body being chopped up or being altered hormonally. DH then had to make a choice - the snip or no sex.

Agreed.

I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable.
You can’t make him have the snip especially when you won’t consider getting your tubes tied when you’re having a c section anyway.
Have you talked to your consultant about whether there really are additional risks to you if they tied your tubes during the c section? They may be able to put your mind at rest.
I think if you do that your DH should agree to an initial consultation about getting the snip - this could put his mind at rest and help him decide properly whether he wants to do it. I do also know someone who was going to have it done but they told him the procedure wouldn’t be suitable for him at his initial appointment (didn’t ask too many details so not sure why), so don’t assume your DH will definitely be able to have it done.

(I mean, the condom thing is absurd tbh)
As others have pointed out, his body, his choice.
I made that choice years ago, after 3 kids, as I/we didn't want any more. We went through 'what if we separate and you want more' question... I knew I didn't want more.
For some reason some blokes thinks it makes you less of a man, might affect your performance, etc. All of that is untrue - it has no effect whatsoever it just means you're firing blanks. To my mind, it's the best way forward if you don't want any more kids. Easier op than tube tying, minor discomfort having it done, and everything still works 👍

I love the ‘his body, his choice’ comments, but you’re the one who gets pregnant, has to carry a baby, has to deliver the baby, has to feed the baby, is expected to provide primary care for the baby, etc, etc. I’d be putting my foot down. No snip, no sex.