To not want him to agree all the time

[Welcometomyami]

A bit of an odd one but it’s causing massive problems in my relationship.

My DP never wants to discuss anything and find a compromise. He’ll either do everything my way or, (very rarely) his.

For the most part it’s the former and it drives me a bit mad.

Example:

DP: “Steve’s asked me to go to the pub on Tuesday evening”.

Me: “we agreed to go for dinner for my mum’s birthday on Tuesday night so it’s not ideal, no, but what sort of time is the pub?”

DP: “no it’s fine. I’ll tell Steve no”.

That’s a mild example but it happens ALL THE TIME and it’s me that ends up frustrated that we can’t talk things through and I end up feeling guilty.

If I show the slightest bit of annoyance or objection he just complies to what he thinks I want.

It’s causing us arguments because I get frustrated and end up feeling bad. He never ever actually makes me feel guilty about what he decides though. He just says he’s easy going and it’s fine. It’s my own hang up that we haven’t met in the middle, but also annoying that he won’t ever discuss the middle ground.

He absolutely insists it’s never an issue and that he’s an adult that can make his own decision, and that he loves me and doesn’t want to upset/annoy/inconvenience me, and it’s never a problem.

I can’t help but think it’s unhealthy for our relationship in the long term.

I often feel bad now for voicing any objection/discomfort about anything, because as soon as I do, he’ll just do whatever he thinks makes me happy, and absolutely refuses to chat to find a compromise that works for us both.

There have been a couple of things where it’s been the other way around and he’s stood his ground firmly with no option for discussion either. Mostly it’s my way though.

Consider what it is at the heart of this that you’re finding issue with (and for the record, I’m not disagreeing with you). Is it that you want him to lead a bit more and be more vocal with his opinions so you don’t feel he is a pushover? I ask because I’ve noticed that’s a big thing with me - I really dislike people who just agree with me all the time and don’t bring their own ideas or opinions or preferences to the table. I end up losing respect for them.

I think it makes me nervous that although he says he doesn’t mind, it’ll breed resentment in the long run.

So stop pissing all over his plans.

Not sure the birthday scenario is a great example though. A previously agreed birthday celebration was rightly the priority.

Where did I say I was pissing on his plans??

Isn't that the whole point of your thread? He makes a suggestion, you piss all over it, he backs down. In future rather than being disagreeable, try saying something like "that sounds lovely dear, have fun"

Now, I would find the example you provided annoying, but for a different reason.

We agree to do something with my mum for her birthday on Tuesday night. Then he comes along and says taht Steve invited him to the pub. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Now I have to be his mother and say, "no, you can't go out with Steve" instead of him being a mature grown up and thinking, when steve invited him, "Oh no, that's not a good day - I'll suggest to Steve we meet on Wednesday instead."

Nothing less sexy than having to be someone's mother and give them permission to do things.

I see where you are coming from OP. Husband is like this with EVERYTHING and is it frustrating and irritating and that is where the guilt comes in. I’ve been trying to identify for myself why it makes me feel that way, because I know that he wants to have the opposite effect, to please me. Sure, occasionally it’s nice to be put first occasionally, but it’s all the fxxxing time. Never a definite ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.

It comes down to my feeling that he’s not being genuine and that our relationship somehow lacks proper definition or boundaries. I feel like I don’t know what or who I am really dealing with, and I’d rather just trundle on by myself.

This is exactly it! Like let’s PLEASE have a chat. Let’s reach a compromise. I’m a grown-up, I can handle it.

You get to better solutions if there's compromise or a good discussion. You need a sounding board not a void...

And yes, it will breed resentment, as you can't really judge his actual opinion. Makes you have all the responsibility.

But he stands his ground when it's something that he actually does mind about, even if that's not very often. It's not as if he's a total pushover every single time.

I think it's a good idea in relationships to believe your partner and take what they say at face value. He says he doesn't mind. Believe him! And consider it lucky that he's easy-going and that means you get your way a lot of the time.

FWIW I don't think your example was very good because there isn't really a good compromise - your mum's birthday was in the diary first and naturally took priority. Yes, maybe he could have gone for one pint with his friend beforehand but if they wanted a more leisurely catch-up then it's a better idea to just reschedule, as it's not exactly a time-sensitive occasion. Anyone reasonable would have said exactly what he said.

Why wouldn't you think his actual opinion is what he says it is?

You also end up making horrible unnecessary compromises if the other person won't say their preference, you can end up second guessing how to please them and do something no one actually wants to do but everyone goes along with it for the sake of everyone else. You're not being unreasonable, this would drive me mad! I once had a relationship with a people pleaser, along the lines of if I said I liked yellow, he heard the decree "everything must henceforth be yellow!", then I'd be confused and irritated as I'd forgotten the throwaway comment about yellow and was surrounded yellow things. I found it exhausting as I was constantly second guessing him and trying to make sure he was accommodated as he simply wouldn't say. Then he blew up because I was "so controlling and impossible to please" 🙄

I don't get the sense that he asked permission at all - it sounds like it was an offhand comment and/or double-checking that there wasn't anything else prearranged. It's a perfectly normal conversation and it's wild that it makes anyone this angry.

While the example used wasn’t good (birthday dinner was in the diary first), it would be easy for this dynamic to turn into a parental relationship which is a massive turn off. There’s also that tv stereotype of a downtrodden man saying “yes dear” to an unreasonable wife so she doesn’t turn on him. (I’m not saying that this is you btw- just saying that it could feel like that)

In your example, didn't he know that you were both going out for dinner already? I would find it deeply irritating that someone couldn't keep track of their own social calendar, or appointments etc.

I expect other adults in my life to be as capable of tracking diaries and plans as I am. So if there's nothing already arranged and he mentions it, fine, that's a normal conversation. But as there was already a plan for that night, that he knew about, I'd be annoyed that I had to be the one to point that out to him.

But then, the bar for what people expect of men is often very low and mine isn't.

Dh just realised that he has booked a night away on the night we are going to a wedding. He asked me about that weekend weeks ago. I said I had no issue with him going away if we had nothing else on and was happy to do all childcare etc. It didn't occur to me that I was the person who had to check the diary to make sure we had nothing on. He is now scrambling around rescheduling things, and fully accepts he was a twit for not checking the diary and expecting me to magically remember the date in conversation.

We have a family desk diary which everything goes in (anyone who's watched Outnumbered with Pete ten, will know how flawless this system is!), but that goes some way to slowing everyone to know what's going on and not make plans when there are already plans!

Can you give any other examples as that one seems reasonable in face value, but i appreciate it's not an isolated incident,

I am having similar in my relationship atm. I just seem to be the only one who can make a decision. I have to choose everything, what we watch, where we eat. We have argued about it a little bit. It's hard because I know he is just trying to make me happy and genuinely just wants to do whatever I want. However, sometimes I just want to do whatever HE wants and I don't care either way. We ate out last night... at my fave place again but I can't enjoy it as much because I'm sure he would have fancied somewhere else but he wouldn't admit it and I couldn't be bothered with it all last night. So I understand you, it's hard to complain about someone trying to please you all the time but it's actually bloody irritating.

Did he know about it? Maybe it wasn't in the diary. OP hasn't given that info and it's not her issue anyway so it's a bit weird to angrily speculate. DP and I double-check with each other about dates all the time - big things like weddings will go on the calendar but ad hoc low-key things like meeting a friend for a drink won't - and I can't say I find it irritating at all.

Also this has nothing to do with that beloved MN red herring of The Bar For Men but it has everything to do with organised, practical people who are fully on top of every aspect of life's logistics getting infuriated at more absent-minded people (like me, a woman). I am glad DP is not like that.

OP says that they had previously agreed to do this dinner for her mum's birthday. So yes, I assme he knew.

If DH wants to go for a drink with a friend, he doesn't need my permission but yes, I agree with you, he'd probably run it past me and vice versa. But I get annoyed if when he runs it past me, I then have to be the one to point out that no, in fact, that's a date we already have plans because he should be equally able to keep track of events we've already agreed to. Similarly, if he wants to go for a drink and I've already booked a drink with my friend, if he then asks me, it feels like he wants me to reschedule MY drinks so he can go while I do childcare. Which is annoying.

I honestly can't say I feel annoyed when I tell DP we already have plans on a particular date. People forget things. I forget things more than he does. It's OK! It takes seconds to remind them.

DH should have married you then! 😀I have enough on my plate without being th eonly one who can use a diary! But if you don't mind, brilliant and it clearly works for you and your DH.