Stressing about start of high school

[Lucy2586]

Just wondered if anyone had any advice for me. It come to light in the last 2 years DD likely has high functioning ASD. She is on the waiting list for CAHMS.

she is due to start High school, I have done everything to keep her connection with the friends she is in a tutor group with encouraging her to meet up with them which she has. Connecting with them via messages. however she is now refusing to try her uniform on speaking really negatively about going and we had a tough time at the start of last year with refusal after a fall out with her friend it was so stressful.

i keep saying how great it will be but I am dreading it. She loved the transfers days but then builds things up her head until she makes herself feel sick. She even called Kier starmer a fat idiot for disallowing phones now. Theu have very strict uniform and only allowed to wear certain shoes she said they’re all disgusting and doesn’t want any of them. Can feel the stress in the pit of my stomach. Anyway know the best way to deal with it if she refuses.

I think you’re right to keep her in touch with her friends.

I’d stop telling her how great it will be. Firstly you can’t promise her that (chances are it won’t really be universally great) and secondly it won’t make a difference to her anxiety, it’ll just mean she thinks you don’t understand and minimise her feelings.

My DC has ASD, they struggle to imagine a new situation or scenario, dislike change and find secondary uniform stifling - therefore they are also struggling with the transition. I have just bought uniform and shoes I think will fit and have accepted that DC won’t like them much. I’m doing a lot of listening, sympathising that yes some aspects of secondary school are pretty rubbish and generally trying to stay calm and reassuring that if there are problems we will get them sorted out. Some level of nervousness is normal - it’s a big transition and even some of the most confident of my DC’s old classmates have been upset or anxious this summer.

My daughter is on the waitlist as well but it's just a formality - we have known for years that she is autistic. She started high school last year (we are in Scotland so are a couple months into the second year now). Fortunately, her high school has a relaxed uniform policy so we were able to avoid that bit of it (she also has eczema so clothes are extremely difficult). Is there any accommodations that can be made for her if she genuinely can't tolerate something specific? Or do you think it's more the change and uncertainty that's the difficulty?

the summer before she started was pretty awful but once she got a couple weeks in she was much more settled. The school has been brilliant - we had a planning meeting and put in a few accommodations to support her. She does have her phone on her which was actually really helpful for her to be able to tell me when she was scared / stressed / etc. but in the absence of a phone maybe you could give her a specific notebook to write things down to tell you later?

I did a parent support group with CAHMS last summer and something they recommended was to 'rank' things - so instead of listening to a long list of bad things, to encourage them to actually focus in on numbers. So instead of asking 'how was your day' you ask 'what number was today?'. We did 1-10 so that she could really focus on a specific day - usually days were a 3 but a couple times they've been a 4 for one reason or another. And before she complains about things, she has to tell me 'one' good thing about the day. Anything really - she saw a pretty flower or a teacher was nice or she watched a funny video. Just something to snap out of the overwhelming negativity.

Also important to note that she might be right - high school 'might' be hard and she 'might' actually struggle. It's a rough age for any child - I only know from my daughter's perspective (she also got her period a few weeks before high school which was a whole drama in itself) but I'm sure boys feel it too. Teenagers are hard and it's a massive change from primary school. My daughter actually doesn't like high school nearly as much as primary school - and that's fine, it's hard! So validating that and finding the funny moments and reminding her that it's just a few years of her life can be helpful too. My daughter can be a champion masker so I'd be afraid that if I kept telling her she 'should' be having a brilliant time or that 'someone' enjoyed high school or that she needs to have the time of her life she'd just start lying to me and I'd rather know the truth.

Thank you, very helpful. I will take your suggestions on board.

Ok, I will stop telling her it will be great. Did not think of it that way. The school will be aware she awaiting assessment and I will speak to them to help her more.

Absolutely agree not to tell her it will be great, especially if she's autistic: she's going to have trouble with flexible thinking, so never say anything that you don't definitely know will be true!

Can she be specific about aspects that she's particularly stressed about? e.g. is not having her phone a particular worry? Can you put together a plan to mitigate that worry? I have found that acknowledging that some specific things will be challenging and maybe not that nice is a way to overcome blanket statements of "it will all be awful."

Also, if the shoes are gross, it's ok to grumble and agree with her about that: "Yes, I'd hate to wear these too, but I think we need to follow the rules on this until we work out if there's any flexibility. Everyone will be in the same boat."

My experience with my own ASD child (admittedly younger) has been that the anticipation of the "big thing" is often worse that the thing itself, because the unknown is so difficult for them.

She sounds similar to my dd who was diagnosed last year. She’s also starting secondary next week and we’re having similar problems with uniform, shoes etc. I have been dreading sorting it all out. She starts next Wednesday and still has no skirt/trousers and I feel like I’ve ordered every single pair which exist in the world.

I have been speaking positively about it, but have been realistic in managing her expectations. Such as talking about how we know it’s going to be a big adjustment and she will feel extra stressed and worn out whilst we establish a new routine. My dd is quite mature in that sense and understands why she feels the way she does, and she knows that she needs extra time to decompress and recover. It’s probably worth having a conversation with her about how autistic brains and bodies react to changes and different situations, as my own dd understanding this has been invaluable for us. Obviously I know everyone is different so it might not be as easy for your dd to understand this, so it’s just a suggestion 😃

I agree that it’s the anticipation of ‘the thing’ which is the worst part!

(As an aside, my daughter got a lot out of reading the Elle McNicoll books - lots of masking teenage girls as main characters and it really helped my daughter to sort through some of her challenges and realise that she isn't as unique as she thought (that was a positive for her!). Just in case any of your children are readers)

my son is autistic and just going into year 11 (he is at a very supportive school thankfully!)

Personally I kept talking about it to the minimum, if he wanted to talk we did but I didn’t make a thing of it. Every time you start a conversation you’re bringing that worry to the forefront for her. He had a social story with picture of the school and key staff who would be supporting him which helped when he did want to talk about things.

I know lots of people make a big thing about it but I think for most low key is the best way

Yes she builds things up in her head and then often finds it’s not as bad as she built it up to be.

its so hard to navigate it because although she had certain quirks now that I know were stimming i did not put it down to ASD but her periods etc and sensory changes really brought it light.

Yes she builds things up in her head and then often finds it’s not as bad as she built it up to be.

its so hard to navigate it because although she had certain quirks now that I know were stimming i did not put it down to ASD but her periods etc and sensory changes really brought it light.

Yes I agree I have been guilty of this the last few days. She has not gamed for a long time but suddenly got interested in game so I am just allowing her as much as she wants for now as she is totally engrossed and won’t be stressing.

Yes I agree I have been guilty of this the last few days. She has not gamed for a long time but suddenly got interested in game so I am just allowing her as much as she wants for now as she is totally engrossed and won’t be stressing.

Sorry don’t know what’s with double posts

Is there any chance she could visit day before school starts so she knows what to expect on the day. Maybe contact sendco to discuss her resistance. Is there a safe space for those feeling overwhelmed? Everyone will look the same in uniform so it might be worth pointing out that conforming is the best way not to stand out. Gradually changing the day to revert to school routine and timing of meals, bedtime and activities as per termtime might help.

Yes I am starting with routines again. To be fair she usually falls asleep quite early and awake by 7 every day so that won’t be so much of a problem.

yeah I bought her new trousers and got a bag full from my friend from her child. Just hoping one pair of them fit on the morning.

I feel a lot of guilt too because she’s going between me and her dad from being 18 months old. She always seemed fine with it but now she’s put her foot and said I will go out for dinner with him but I am not staying over. Which is her choice now but I do feel guilt like maybe that’s made it worse but he left there wasn’t anything I could do about it.