To feel like this about work now I’m a parent?

[Ye150]

I have DD just turned 3. She goes to nursery but this summer I had 10 weeks off between jobs and I’m due to start new job in a week.

I realise this sounds big headed but I’m well educated, I’ve worked in a corporate role for many years (now 36). I mention this as I had a lot of drive for my career previously.

DP works away mon to fri and I have a good routine with DD and get lots of downtime at the weekend when DP takes over. Basically… I don’t want to go back to work. I can’t focus fully on work as I always have one part of my mind on DD…. What will I do for her dinner, will nursery call, are her clothes sorted for her activity at weekend… I know these things seem small and petty but there’s so many of them that I can easily fill a day just sorting the house and food and keeping everywhere tidy and ensuring DD is well looked after.

I used to get ready for work and do my hair and make up, I would enjoy it, I wanted to progress. I do still feel like that on some level but I also feel like I just cannot be arsed. I could not work for a while but we wouldn’t have the lifestyle we have now and DD wouldn’t be able to go to the school we have chosen for her. I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just feel totally lost about life…I thought ten weeks off would be a good refresh but it’s not. It’s made me realise how much I was doing in one day. I can’t go part time as the industry I am in doesn’t work like that.

I feel rubbish and like I can’t shake this feeling. Is this normal?!

It’s perfectly normal to feel like that as your priority is your daughter and you’re right in thinking you will be the sole parent Monday-Friday. As someone whose husband worked away when my sons were small I’d say stop work if you can afford to. It was the best thing I did and I do think my sons benefited from having a parent at home. You say you wouldn’t have the lifestyle you have now nor afford the school you have chosen, but in the scheme of things does it really matter (though I do get you want to do the best for your daughter and you’ve worked hard career wise). Could a compromise be you go back for a while and see how things pan out and if it becomes too much you can stop.

I went back to work a few months ago after a 2 year parental leave and I feel the same. I'm trying to focus on the positives about working - aside from the money, I also benefit from adult conversation that doesn't revolve around kids, and I have time to read on my commute so I feel more intellectually stimulated overall, which I think means I enjoy the time with my kids more too. I definitely don't have the same drive to progress that I used to though.

Yes, working parents always feel they can't give work 100% because of their child/children and can't give their child/children 100% due to work. Most working parents don't have any choice in the matter, they need their salary to simply scrape by.

It's normal to want to enjoy time with your child and being a stay a home parent is important work. If you can afford it, stay at home with your daughter until she goes to school, then get a part time job, so you can manage holiday care etc. You'll never regret the time with your child.

haha yes this is me. Used to be ambitious and driven. Now I’m all about my kids. I’m able to work 3 days a week though which helps with balance.

I became way more ambitious and productive when I had my son, so it’s not a given. It sounds to me as if you’re in the wrong fucked if you’re zoned out this much, and/or that the problem is having an absent partner, meaning all the parenting and household gruntwork falls on you. Talk to him, and say you can’t go on as you are, and that he needs to find a role that doesn’t involve him being away all the time.

Perfectly normal to feel like this.

However, after a few years my drive for work returned. Hang on in there.

Yes i work 4 days a week with 2 kids in nursery and the exhaustion and mental load, and constantly expecting kids to be sent home ill is real! And a lot of what makes parenting quite shit these days.

I still want to work though as i need the mental stimulation and adult conversation. Plus for me, money is security. And as well as thinking of my pension, i’m very aware that young adults these days can’t afford to move out, so i want to have money for their future.

I think it’s totally normal to feel like that when you have a child because that child immediately becomes the most important element of your life.

when you work in a professional role, something you’re educated for and which you’ve trained to do and are successful in, I think the feeling you describe is magnified, because your work life is valuable, it’s a part of your identity and more than just paying the bills.

I can certainly identify with how you feel, though I had my babies 30 years ago and am now heading towards retiring. For me, continuing in work was important for all sorts of reasons. It gave me another sort of challenge and stimulation alongside being a mum. Plus the pension! That might not figure largely for you at this stage, but once you hit your fifties and you realise you could stop at 55 or whatever and still maintain a good lifestyle, it certainly features large.

No one is going to be able to provide a ‘solution’ for you because there is no neat solution. If you give up work, you might find you miss certain aspects, it might not be possible to easily step back in later. If you continue working, you’ll have a sense that you’re not giving work your all and that your priorities have changed.

So really, just be reassured you’re completely normal. When we have babies, they of course come first. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up other aspects of your life if you don’t want to.

I was married when I had my children there are 4 quite close in age.
I was really lucky to have the early years at home with them. When my last child was about 2 I went to uni and he went to nursery part time. I worked nights.
In all honesty your career will be there in a few years time when your daughter is older and in regular school and you can use wrap around care if needed.
I'd also say having had four the amount of illness they get in scholl early years is a barrier in itself!
If you can afford to, my advise would be to spend the time with your dad for the next few years, you are still young really, you will get a job no prob in a few years.
My children are now in secondary school and I've been back in full time work for about 5 years. Things are easier as they can help at home. I'm a single parent and the kids re great company.
I'd not miss those first few years for anything unless I had to.

Most roles (except things like healthcare) have flexible working , working from home etc. Surely with your seniority, you have this? I think feeling as though you can’t be arsed is normal. Will DD be your only child?

It really doesn't help when you have had a 10 week gap.
Set aside 30-45 mins a day after work to do those things you are thinking about (meal prepping, sorting clothes etc), and then when you are at work, be very firm with yourself. No, I am at work now, I will not think about that. Don't stick photos of her on your desk etc for the time being and try not to engage in conversation about families etc.
You will get used to it. Try to find elements of your job you like and are good at. You are very young still and have a lot of career ahead of you.