To reduce contact with my overbearing mother?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ll try and keep it short without any drip feeding!

Basically, me and my mum have never got on or been close. A big reason behind that has been how controlling she has been towards me throughout my entire life. Some of the more extreme examples include at 19, her hacking into my Facebook and messaging boys I was seeing, pretending to be me and patch things up when they went pear shaped. Keeping one of my old phones that she told me she was selling, and reading messages from my group chats whilst I was talking from another device. Going through my handbag when I stay at hers when I was in my 20s, and throwing things away she doesn’t like (ridiculous things, like fake tan etc). I’m an only child and I think she sees me as an extension of her, she’s always struggled with the idea that I have my own tastes and preferences, and tries to enforce what she wants on me all the time.

As I’ve grown up (I’m in my 30s now) I’ve moved away from my home town, and haven’t visited too regularly. At Christmas I’ll stay in hotels to reduce the stress, we tend to argue when we spend too long together. I’ve recently had a baby and we’ve upped contact, but I can feel her getting her claws in again. It’s starting somewhat tame, but the signs are there. We meet every 2 weeks or so, and it always has to be a place she has selected, doing activities she wants, at times she states. If I say a timing won’t work or something and suggest something else, she has a tantrum and gets angry, taking it out on my dad. Every suggestion I make is shot down, and she’s becoming increasingly bossy. I can see it creeping in with her telling me what to do with my baby; instructing me, correcting me, criticising me, never offering any praise or support. We don’t have fun or laugh together, she loves making plans and acting on them, anything else is frivolous to her. She doesn’t really listen when I want to talk about what we’re up to on the days we don’t see her, she just wants to control the day and act like nothing else we do matters.

I want my child to have a relationship with her if he chooses, I have no other family really, and I know my mum loves this time. But I’m feeling increasingly frustrated, it feels like a slippery slope and before I know it she’ll be overstepping boundaries more drastically. My dad won’t ever step in, but agrees behind her back. And honestly, they don’t really have anyone else, they are extremely cut off from the rest of their community and family.

AIBU to reduce contact to once a month? If so, what can I do to try and remain more in control of this situation? I can feel myself feeling more and more like my hopeless teenage self, and wanting to lash out, which I know won’t get us anywhere.

I'm so sorry, you are soo enmeshed. She's toxic. You're brainwashed.

By all means reduce contact and stick to it. Remember you don't owe her a single thing.

Good luck

I'll be completely honest, I read the title and was fully expecting a really petty reason (as is becoming common nowadays)

But good lord... You most definitely would benefit hugely from taking control of this and reducing contact.

Your mother sounds overbearing and controlling and entitled to access to areas of your life that are private and personal. If this carries on she will damage your wellbeing.

The great thing is : you've recognised this for what it is. That's half the battle. (My DH mum is enmeshed with her adult son and I firmly believe his life has careered into a car crash because of that dynamic. Sad thing for him is he can't see it for what it is and has poor insight, so he's equally enmeshed towards her )

My observations from these dynamics is the person usually has quite an empty and unfulfilled life and usually a few personal insecurities/hang ups and so cling on to what they do have and put that person under a microscope and fixate on them and become controlling and possessive.

You're unlikely to change the person and they are unlikely to react well to having boundaries set. So I'd just start being very busy from now on. See her, but on your and your child's terms. React logically to her and not emotionally. She is bound to throw her toys out of the pram, but that's her problem not yours. Your dad is probably a passive bystander. I'd avoid any kind of 'show down ' or talk, this type are usually emotionally immature.

This is very hard for you. But you are not that 19 year old any more snd you can think and plan how to respond. If you can, when she starts being controlling, think to yourself: how would I react if this was someone else doing this? In other words, is she being reasonable? That is, take as much emotion as you can out of your reaction and response. The idea is to try and let her emotional and controlling behaviour wash over you and not trigger you. Then engage on your own terms without reacting to it. For example: she says where to meet, when; if that's genuinely convenient/fine for you, agree. If it isn't (and not just because she's annoying you - you are no longer that rebellious teenager with no other resources) say you can't do it and say what you can do. Ignore any emotional backlash - if you can't come to an agreement, she misses out on seeing her GC. This will be difficult, don't beat yourself up if you can't do it every time! But she is who she is. It would be good to find a way of dealing with her that doesn't involve NC if only for your baby's sake.

Honestly, none of your mum's behaviour is normal. The things she did to you when you were a teenager such as hacking your Facebook and messaging your boyfriends are so awful and such an invasion of your privacy that I'm surprised you still have contact with her.

She isn't a normal or safe person to have around your baby. If you haven't done so already, please seek some therapy to help you detatch from your narcissistic mother. She doesn't view you as a person in your own right, just an extension of herself.

To what the pp’s have said, I’ll add this:

Quoted from your Op: “she has a tantrum and gets angry, taking it out on my dad” You are not responsible for your parents feelings or the way they behave with each other, even your passive father. He should be standing up to his wife and stopping her from emotionally abusing their adult child. He doesn’t.
See them less often and leave/put the phone down when your mother starts this bullying behaviour. You could practise a sentence to say e,g,: “I won’t be spoken to like a naughty child. I’ll see you/talk to you another time when you can be civil to me.” (Or similar). Maybe with repetition this might change her behaviour towards you, if she is no longer getting the reaction from you that she wants.