Should a wife/gf tell DH/DP who he can talk to?

[Mrsaskingforafriend]

Not in general, but asking him to not speak to or avoid/cut conversations short etc with a particular woman.

He hasn’t cheated or shown any signs of trying to, but DW can sense he likely is attracted to her, and enjoyed her company and chatting to her, always seemed pleased to see her and had time for her. DW doesn’t like this as she doesn’t like DH looking at and chatting with said woman, so would it be reasonable to ask DH to avoid and be aloof with her?

thanks MN

It's quite controlling to say who he can and can't have a conversation with. Wife seems insecure and jealous. Not a good look.

Abso-fuckin-lutely not!!!
Control-freakery of the highest degree!

No you can’t do that

Even if he did. Wouldn’t stop him from finding other female attention if that is his urge

Either he can be trusted or he can't.
No amount of control will change that.

I’ve no interest in a man who is faithful only because I’ve spent my time weighing up women he talks to, and putting my foot down over some of them, or manipulating situations to avoid them talking.

He’ll make his own decisions, and live with the consequences.

I have asked dh to tone it down with a woman once, because she was dd’s tennis coach and I sensed she was misreading his friendliness and interest in the sport as interest in her. I was imagining it could backfire on dd if he hurt her feelings. It wasn’t about mistrusting him, but I don’t think he was aware of what it looked like from her pov.

DH also asked me to put some distance between myself and another man, who he thought was interested in me and I thought of as a friend. I did because the situation was bothering him, and with hindsight he was correct that I was missing the obvious.

I imagine that could very much look like control and over reach by the spouse. But I think there are times when you have to lean in to a marriage, forsake all others, etc.

Definitely not and wouldn’t expect husband to tell me who I could and couldn’t speak to either.

Of course not.

Noone should dictate who another adult can and cannot talk to.

No history of cheating, no inappropriate behaviour, you cant control DH over a suspicion

DW can sense he likely is attracted to her, and enjoyed her company and chatting to her, always seemed pleased to see her and had time for her.

Let’s break this down.
— wife sees husband regularly conversing with a woman

• wife sees husband dedicating time to said woman
• wife senses an attraction due to way husband is around woman / things he says about woman

sounds like a classic emotional affair… surprised posters are saying that sounds controlling

There is not enough information here for anyone to judge. Is he just exchanging pleasantries, or hanging on her every word like a besotted teenager? It makes a difference.

If the wife doesn't trust him, and thinks hes having an emotional affair, then telling him not to talk to her isnt the way to fix the problem

He needs to come to the conclusion that his behaviour is crossing a line himself, if his behaviour is crossing that line.

If he can't see that himself (or his behaviour is not an issue and the wife is paranoid/jealous) then the relationship is pretty much dead without any trust and the wife needs to end things not dictate how he can communicate with someone

I agree with what you’re saying. I just find it surprising that when the OP isn’t phrased in a first person account the response is ‘of course you can’t tell him who he can speak to’ as opposed to ‘LTB’ like the 30 other threads that are currently trending.

OP said she ‘likely senses’ an attraction - she didn’t say the bits you’ve added in your breakdown.

Its no different to many of the women who make complaints about their DH having an issue with them having male partners and the general consensus is always he is being controlling - so that’s why it’s not surprising that the same advice is being doled out here.

It’s a stretch on the bare minimum info OP has said for you to immediately think ‘emotional affair’. If that’s the case I must be having loads as I have a few male friends that I’m excited to see and have time for 🙄

There’s nothing like jealously to nudge your partner into someone else’s arms!

No it's totally unacceptable to tell another adult who they can converse with - it's controlling. If she is concerned about a friendship/acquaintance she needs to open her mouth and have a conversation with him.

If it was a normal healthy relationship there would be a conversation along the lines of:

”DH, it makes me feel quite anxious and negative when you talk to X and I’d really appreciate it if you could make the effort to distance yourself from her.”

”DW, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, I can assure you nothing untoward is happening there but if it will make you feel better I will make an effort to keep my distance.”

No

I think situations like this are not necessarily black and white. In the early days of dating my partner, he had a female friend who repeatedly posted selfies with him which were set up in such a way, and worded in such a way, that it looked like they were a long term couple. When I pointed it out, he was shocked, but then checked back on the posts and completely agreed. She carried on being a problem, to the extent that when we first went away together, she traced where we were from a Facebook post and turned up in the local pub. Very unsettling. They had never been romantically involved!

I can see where you’re coming from, but what is it really necessary for him to be overly chatty with her and interested in what she’s up to?

A bit of both really. Sometimes I’ve been with him when he bumps into her, sometimes not, but I know he’s seen her because I know she’d be around (she lives locally).

He often smiles at her big, looks wide eyed, and is very interested in whatever she has to say, even when I know it’s something he doesn’t care about 🙄

I don’t think he’s trying to run after her - she’s much younger than him and he’s never cheated in the 30 years we’ve been together.

@MaraB77 any thoughts? 🙃