Hi all,
I’ll start with some background. My mum passed away just days after my 12th birthday. I’m an only child, and in his grief my dad was effectively useless. He began dating just four months after my mum died, and by my 14th birthday I was spending most weekends and at least one weeknight home alone while he stayed at his girlfriend’s. I massively resented this.
As my mum had been a nurse before she died, and my dad wasn’t married to her, I inherited a lump sum and qualified for a dependent’s pension. This meant that from about 13 I was expected to take care of my own needs financially—clothes, school lunches, school trip payments, everything. No one helped me budget for this, and frankly it was just luck (and me being a careful teenager) that I managed. At 16 I got a part-time job alongside my Highers and Advanced Highers, and at 18 I moved to London for university—made possible mostly by student loans and the money I had carefully saved.
At that point my dad moved in with his girlfriend, though he had effectively been living there for years anyway.
After I finished my degree, I moved back to Scotland. I had enjoyed London but it never really felt like home. I did my PGDE and became a teacher.
Now I’m married with two lovely little girls. We have a nice life and we’re comfortable.
My in-laws are amazing. They’re really actively involved in our lives—they love our children and are so keen to make life easier for us. They pick the girls up from school/nursery twice a week, they pay for and take them to 1-to-1 swimming lessons (and honestly I can think of nothing worse than managing a 3- and 5-year-old at swimming lessons and getting them dried—so all the power and thanks to them!). We see them every other Sunday afternoon and go on holiday with them once a year.
On the other hand, my dad seems keen to make life more difficult. We see him on the opposite Sunday from my in-laws: once at his house (30 minutes away) and once at my grandparents’ (20 minutes away). Both times he insists on 9am. Both times his partner’s child and grandchildren are there, or my cousins and their children—so really, my girls aren’t getting any quality time with him. If I ever ask to move it later, he just suggests we cancel. He probably visits us at our home twice a year, always unplanned, always bringing my step-brother’s children, and always at the least convenient time possible. When he does visit, he only ever stays long enough to get the girls hyped up before leaving.
I feel endlessly frustrated travelling to visit him and would genuinely rather not. Since I was about 12 he’s been a pretty absent father, leaving me to navigate my teenage years, grief, exam prep, budgeting, and everything else alone. He has always shown up for the big moments (graduation, wedding, etc.), but for everything else it’s been clear I’m not his priority—nor are my children.
My little girl started Primary 1 on Wednesday, as did my step-brother’s child. He and his partner made a Facebook post wishing step-brother’s child luck and posting photos of her in uniform. I know it’s pointless (and not even very safe) to make those kinds of posts, but something about him excluding my little one really upset me.
AIBU to think it’s time I stop putting in all the effort to see him, and instead enjoy a much more supportive and relaxed life? Maybe I should only see him once a month at my grandparents’, and even then only if he happens to be there when we are (no more early wake-ups for 9am). It’s so obvious he doesn’t really care about me—and probably hasn’t in many years—and I feel like I need to make a stand.