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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friendship ended after 20 years

5 replies

Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:14

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 25/08/2025 16:18

wow - so, your son has cancer and you friend makes it about her

Most rational people would be compassionate and understand that you are pre occupied at the moment.

I am so sorry about your son, but this person doesn't deserve your time or energy right now ever.

irregularegular · 25/08/2025 16:23

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Your friend's response is just awful. You must do whatever you need to do right now. Spend time with the people who make you feel safe and supported and give you energy rather than draining it.

Your wider circle of friends may need to wait for you to be ready for them and most people will totally understand that. Kind people will offer their support, but not throw a tantrum if you don't respond in the way they want.

It's a shame if you thought you were good friends in the past, but she really isn't worth worrying about right now.

YouveGotNoBloodyIdea · 25/08/2025 16:26

You are better off without her OP, seriously. When a very close friend of mine was dying her parents asked me to do a "round robin" message to everyone, keep them in the loop. There were a couple of people who just couldn't accept that they were not allowed a "direct line" to the family and just made things harder for her parents. People have no idea how tough it is for families in situations like this, and how many friends and family members need to be kept informed. You are dealing with this the best you can.

Sending lots of positive vibes to you and your DS.

ExtraOnions · 25/08/2025 16:34

You are a lot more polite than me … my answer to the first message would have been “my son has cancer, I’m too busy dealing with that, rather than worrying about whether I have been keeping you fully updated .. thank you for your selfless understanding, at this difficult time”

WifeOfAGemini · 25/08/2025 16:37

I’m so sorry about your son, and sorry your bf has reacted in this bizarre way. You don’t need her in my your life at this time and you have nothing to apologise for.

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