To ask if you have male friends like these

[Teacupfull]

Male friends who never quite made it past the line with - you know there’s a mutual attraction, but for various reasons it never became a relationship. I’ll tell you mine…

1. school friend’s much older brother, married young, I was in my early 30s when he divorced. We messaged, we met up for one heavenly weekend, but the distance and our respective life stages meant it was nothing more, despite the attraction. It’s been 15 years since that weekend, but we still check in on each other a couple of times a year.

2. Uni friend, still can’t believe of all the people I met, he’s one of the ones that have lasted. We met up (and had sex) a few times after uni, until life moved on. We still follow each other on social media, and I’m 100% sure he would have my back if I ever needed to call on him.

3. Friend for about 14 years. Always fancied him, I think the feeling was mutual. Both in relationships. I was 8 months pregnant when he separated from his long term girlfriend. I felt physically sick I’d missed my chance (probably 3 years prior to that if I’m honest). I’ve made my peace with it, we see each other often, in public situations. I would do anything for him, he helps me out often. That’s as far as it goes. Our partners could read our messages no problem.

Do you have friendships like this? Am I being unreasonable to hold on to these friendships?

I don't think any of that is unusual or in any way a bad thing, unless it's impacting negatively on your actual relationship.

Are you still with the partner you were with when you felt physically sick you’d missed your chance with man 3?

Yes. But that was 8 years ago, life has moved on for everyone.

I'm friends with loads of blokes I shagged years ago, or even more recently. DP knows.
I'm not sure I have any male friends I always fancied and didn't shag.

It's entirely harmless to be friends with them. I'd never cheat on dp and he knows that.

A friend who I knew first from 6th form, and have seen every few years since. I had a long term boyfriend when I left 6th form, then he married, then I married, then I divorced.

His marriage isn’t perfect, but I don’t think he’ll leave whilst he has kids at home, and whilst I suspect he would discreetly step outside it I have too much affection for his wife to do that.

Never slept with him, never even snogged him. But we both have to try quite hard to ensure that doesn’t happen……

Oh I can feel the butterflies in my tummy just reading that! Well done for resisting, however hard it is x

1 & 2 are hardly friends. They are people you used to know who you still have vague contact with. The 3rd ‘helps you out often’ - don’t know what the context is here but the way you speak of him when you have a partner is weird, also not a ‘friend’

You and I have different definitions of friendship! Friendship is about a connection with people, I can go years without seeing my old (female) school friends but when I do, it’s like we’ve never been apart, they are the people I’m most honest with, who know me better than anyone. And likewise with these men, we have a lot of shared past experiences, we have a connection, and I know I could count on their support if I needed it.

My ex fiance. Together almost 6 years, I was 17-22, he was older. We just kind of drifted apart. We don't see each other regularly but I can message anytime with a joke/banter and I would absolutely go to him if I had none else (and have done in the past) there's still an attraction definitely.

I've been married to someone else for 20 years now though!

Also old school friend who I went out with at school and was my "first" part of a wider friendship group and we're always so happy to see each other. He's a bit too pretentious for me but still a spark!

I think if we weren't all so unavailable it would be less sparky, it's the unable to act on attraction that makes it's sparky!

Am I still Facebook friends with someone I was friends with in uni and shagged once or twice? Yes. Are their people I've had a brief fling with that I stay in vague contact with? Yes

Do I have male friends who I felt physically sick that I'd missed my chance with while I was pregnant with my current partners child? No. Those are two very different things

I don't keep any male "friends" around who I secretly fancy, have some mutual desire for or who I have to try really hard not to kiss.

Sounds like you're just keeping them in the background, they don't sound like friends if you only speak a couple of times a year! I think you're kidding yourself about it all tbh

I agree with this. Sounds like you're romanticising what seems like fairly normal events for young adults.

Yes, we definitely do have different definitions of friendship. I don’t consider people I hardly have contact with but shagged years ago to be friends.

Interesting. How often do you have to speak to someone to consider them a friend?

The second one you don't even mention speaking to him!

You say you know he'd drop everything for you, but how? Theres nothing to indicate this man even thinks of you

I agree your over romanticising your connections with these men. Someone you catch up with via message a few times a year, or who you have as a Facebook friend is not a friend, even if you snagged each other

No, I don't have male friends like that. I've got a male friend who is an ex from decades ago and I'm still really good friends with a boyfriend from my school days, but I don't feel anything for them in the way you're describing. With my other male friends there's never been any sexual chemistry - not for me, anyway, and I would assume not for them either, because they've certainly hid it bloody well if so!

If I felt for someone they way you apparently feel about your male friends (feeling sick that you'd missed your chance even though you were with someone else etc?!) I would absolutely not try and hang on to a friendship with them when in a long term relationship with someone else. Way too much angst and drama to be carrying on with; I can't stand all that shite.

I agree that your examples seem a bit odd.

I do have a very old male friend with whom I shared an attraction. We snogged a few times, never more than that. I definitely had feelings for him at one point in the form of a straight up crush. I don't think he ever had that but he did have complicated feelings for me at various times and in fact, when I got together with DH is when he got together with the woman he subsequently married which didn't work out and I've always suspected there were complicated things going on there when he realised I wasn't available any more.

The reality though is that we would have made a terrible couple. We are brilliant friends and I enjoy speaking with him and spending time with him and I can 100% rely on him, but we don't have anywhere near enough in common that would have made a relationship work. His new wife is amazing and I get on really well with her and on the surface we're quite similar.... except we're also totally not and she's perfect for him and vice versa. And ironically, it's the same with him and DH - on the surface they have a lot of similarities but dig just a tiny bit and they'ver very different and me and DH are happy and good together.

I'm still friends with the guy I lost my virginity to. We were mates for a few years before it happened, then suddenly we had a slightly awkward patch and after a party just after I graduated. Then we both realised it was sexual tension. So we did something about that.

We slept together a few times after that and got it off our chests. We live 100 miles apart, and he was never relationship material for me - too unambitious, very bright but not necessarily intellectual - but I do love him in many ways. DH knows that and has always known him for decades now and says he cares about him a lot too.

None of these descriptions fit a friendship. They sound as if you are desperate for (male) attention from people, who are unavailable.
I am 67, have been widowed for nearly 22 years and have 2 lovely, old school friends, one is a doctor and one is a structural engineer, whom I have known since we were 11 or 12. They went to the boys' school, I was at the girls' school. I have never, ever thought of them as romantic or life partners - and they are both single!

These aren’t really friends, they’re old flames. I’ve got a good number of male friends, but they’ve always been just that: friends. I don’t proactively keep in touch with old flames.

If you have to ask if it’s ok, you’re probably concerned it’s not.

All these examples are very different things really.

No. 2 is quite common, I should think. I'm social media friends with at least three men I had flings with around uni time or just after, but who aren't part of my social circle in any meaningful way now and who I haven't even messaged in over a decade. If there was an actual reason for either of us to message each other (moving to their city, professional opportunity?) I'm sure it'd be fine but I don't foresee that happening at this point.

There are a couple of men in my social circle who I had flings/ONS with many years ago - they were never serious at the time, we were never long-term compatible, all happily in long-term relationships and get on fine with each other's partners, zero feelings or drama.

There is also a guy in my social circle who I had a massive crush on when I first met him. Nothing ever happened and I've no idea whether it was ever reciprocated. Time passed and it just went and it's a bit odd to think I ever mooned over him. Another case where we were never really going to be compatible anyway. His wife is lovely!