Female lawyers - advice on TTC please

[nestaarchy]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for female lawyers who initially struggled to conceive due to stress but were able to eventually. We have been trying to conceive since December with no luck unfortunately. We know it’s because I am stressed which is causing high cortisol and resulting in low progesterone which has led to chemical pregnancies.My GP is referring me to fertility shortly.

Of course, it is a stressful job and anecdotally I know of many female lawyers who have had this issue (struggling to conceive due to stress of the job). I’d love to hear from anyone who has been in this position and then conceived re what practical changes they may to enable them to conceive. my husband’s sperm test came back great and I’ve had bloods and scans done etc which were all fine apart from progesterone.

Thanks in advance.

IANAL but my friend in this situation moved in house... she did go on to have a child and had better work life balance as a result.

Separately... your body is very clearly telling you something so I'd make a life change either way.
I ignored similar signs of stress myself and in my second pregnancy developed a serious health condition exacerbated badly by stress and have now had multiple ops to attempt to correct it. Learn from my idiocy.

This is your sign!!!

Can I ask how you “know” it’s high stress? People can have low progesterone for all sorts of reasons and sadly can miscarry for all sorts of reasons too. Unfortunately I speak from experience as I had three miscarriages before my son and two before my current pregnancy.

The only reason I say this is because I think it’s easy when you’re going through infertility to fixate on one issue when it could be something else or a combination of factors. I really hope you understand I mean that extremely kindly. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Move in house or to a regional firm. Your stress levels will significantly lower and you will actually get to see your future child of an evening!

I took a break from my job. I know it seems radical but I am so glad I did. I was pregnant within a few months of quitting.
I then got a job in house once the children were preschoolers

Move in house.

I don't think the advice to move to a regional firm is correct. Half the time the regional firm is trying to pretend it's a City firm and actually the demands made on junior to mid-level staff are more ridiculous because of regional partners who think they know what city life is like and are trying to win city clients at increased hourly rates eye roll.

I do know someone who was in precisely your situation. They quit and were pregnant within two months. No joke. We were all like, WOAH. They have never gone back. This was over ten years ago and it made us all realise that ultimately law is a crap job with kids and it's up to you to limit the stress now and put new and improved boundaries in place. A firm will always take what you are prepared to give so only you can set what you are prepared to do.

Change the job! At least on a temporary basis but ideally permanently (secondment/ sabattical/ PSL/ of Counsel/ part time/ in house/ public sector). It’s not just about conceiving but also working in a career you can imagine is compatible with being a good and present parent for any child you might bring into the world. My advice would be to change sooner rather than later so you can be well established before your mat leave starts.

Otherwise even if you’re lucky enough to have a child you’ll be juggling medical appointments etc and then nursery, school, extra curriculars, illness, homework, exams, school holidays etc for the next 18 years with an impossible workload- a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I think your prolactin level would be a better indicator of it being stress related.

I'm not a lawyer but do sometimes work with them / am a mother. What is would say is that ttc is just the start. If you get past that, you spend 9 months exhausted and pregnant, then the following few years even more exhausted and run off your feet. So if you view your working conditions as too difficult to ttc, they will be too difficult for the rest of it too.

I was in house already when I had my two, and had no problems either time. However, since then we've had a new GC and AGC, and I've never been so stressed in my life. My health is shot to pieces. So be careful where you jump next.

this is not an issue specific to the legal field though as many lawyers have multiple kids. It is probably more the way you and your body deals with stress so may be worth working on this first?

Well, I was 37 before I had the opportunity to ttc. I had done a lot in the previous few years but by then was working part time. I fell pregnant in the blink of an eye once we tried.

A few months later, my DF commented to my DM about me not working full time and my DM just looked him in the eye and said “you read the papers just as much as I do. You know how many women work full time and ttc for months or years with no joy. Your daughter didn’t have to go through that. Be thankful”.

Just an anecdote.

Thanks for this. The plan is to go in house but we were planning to do this post kids (hopefully two) as pay progression is better in house and my form has a great maternity policy.

We’re thinking that if no luck by next summer I’ll make the move in house. In the interim I’m trying to make a lot of lifestyle changes to lower stress.

Thank you.

I am chronically stressed and have a medical history of this being dealt with. I think I am a “stressy” person so trying to learn how to minimise stress in everyday life but also in an inherently stressful, time consuming and competitive job. I appreciate your points though

I am a lawyer, I had 3 miscarriages over several years whilst trying to conceive and was diagnosed with PCOS. I eventually had a breakdown from the stress and upset of what we had been through... I was off my work for 18 months (some of that completely unpaid before anyone thinks I was "playing the system"). I started taking better care of myself, massages, meditation, yoga and then fell pregnant without actually "trying" in the way we had before with monitoring dates etc. 3 months after dc1 was born I fell pregnant again. I now have two beautiful children. I'm still a lawyer... But I'm a different company where I have a work life balance.

I wouldn’t move regional or in house purely with the hope of conceiving as your issues might be totally unconnected. However, if generally you want to reduce stress, such a move might help (although I imagine both types of role bring significant stress also).

I’ve heard this happens regularly, either through Sabbatical, furlough (covid times) etc. Not a possibility for us though sadly

I agree that of course lawyers have multiple kids but there are also a lot that struggle to conceive due to stress

I am thinking that if you are a stressy person, you are likely to be impacted by most jobs , especially those carrying responsibilities and deadlines etc. So isn’t it better to optimise your stress management strategy?

I wasn't a lawyer but I did have a stressy big job. I walked. I knew I would never let it go in my head if I didn't throw everything in the ring to have a child.
Because of the stress nitpicker self recromating person I am.

I had the child (after a lot of ivf goes) but I lost the career and eventually the esteem of my husband and my own sense of self and spiralled into an extreme mental health issue.

I also changed down to a job with no responsibility or demands - and I stressed and over worked and finally realised it wasn't the job or the boss, it was me all along.

I always suggest counselling - because it helps. Not for the ivf thing for you but the managing life in general thing.

@PicaKgreat advice

@PicaKthank you. I’m in counselling so will explore this more