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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep this from DH until I've spoken to stepson? Possible addiction

12 replies

Crmmett · 24/08/2025 23:52

My stepson is 18, he has NC with his mum, I've been in his life for 8 years and we are very close.

Just before Christmas last year he was found with weed on him at college, he removed off of his course (this wasn't the only thing, his attendance was terrible tbh). Then in the May we found out he’d been taking OTC Cocodamol as well as the weed which he didn't need. DH was furious, called him stupid etc. I tried to get stepson to talk and talk about how he felt, go to the GP etc but he wouldn't. He promised us he'd stop and stupidly we believed him

Then around his birthday last month he had a party, we had a call from his friend saying he was in a state, turns out he'd taken a bunch of different things, alcohol, ketamine, weed etc. Again DH got angry at him and told him next time he did that he'd be dead to him because he knows the risks, DH’s brother did die from a drug overdose so I think he just freaked out

This evening I've had a message from stepsons girlfriend saying she's worried, he's been at hers for the past few days and she told me he's been acting strange for a while but since he's been with her she's been noticing he's been taking paracetamol a lot, at first he said he had a headache and asked if she had some but since then he's been helping himself. She said she's seen him with another pill that he must’ve taken with him. She's asked if he's okay and mentioned the pills and paracetamol but he's told her he's fine but said it quite bluntly. She's tried to bring it up since and he's threatened to leave if she brings it up again which she doesn't want as her parents are away and she didn't want to be alone hence stepson staying there

WIBU to hide this from DH? Or does he need to know?im just worried about an extreme reaction again

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/08/2025 23:56

If he's taking over the maximum dose of cocodamol under the guise of it being just paracetamol, everybody's going to find out soon enough when his liver fails. So I'd risk the reaction now, rather the reaction if his father only finds out you knew after he dies.

NewbieSM · 24/08/2025 23:58

No you can not hide this from your husband he is his father and this is a serious problem that needs parental help.

Original poster
Crmmett · 25/08/2025 00:07

I just mean until after I've spoken to stepson. When my DH shouts and swears at him that probably makes him not want to talk because he never does! He says there's nothing to talk about and then that's that

OP posts:
ZoomyMoon · 25/08/2025 00:15

If you spoke to DH in advance, would he calm down before talking to stepson?

I think important to remember that this isn't about DH, he has suffered an awful bereavement and is probably traumatised but his son is a different person who is clearly struggling.

What happened with his mum?

Does he know the risks with the amount of paracetamol he is taking? This is a real problem for people who are addicted to codeine, the harm they are doing by taking so much paracetamol in co-codamol.

RubyMentor · 25/08/2025 00:35

You and your DH need to go to see your stepson. Your DH needs to support him, and you as I think you will

ARichtGoodDram · 25/08/2025 00:45

Crmmett · 25/08/2025 00:07

I just mean until after I've spoken to stepson. When my DH shouts and swears at him that probably makes him not want to talk because he never does! He says there's nothing to talk about and then that's that

Edited

You need to try and find a way to get through to your DH that shouting and swearing is simply making the problem a hidden issue rather than solving it.

He's going to end up losing his son if he doesn't find a different way to deal with things.

Minxny · 25/08/2025 01:22

"He promised us he'd stop and stupidly we believed him."

You know that addiction is a lot more complicated than that.

I think you should tell your husband away from stepson, let him have his reaction without stepson there, and then you both talk to stepson when your husband has processed it a bit and calmed down. Keeping it from your husband risks giving him more to be angry and hit out about.

Original poster
Crmmett · 25/08/2025 08:45

No, telling him prior to talking to stepson wouldn't do anything, he’d just shout at him without getting a reason and after that stepson won't talk.

DH always had stepson FT but he hasn't seen his mum for about 4 years, he’d call me mum before that and his mum wasnt happy about it then he chose not to see her, she’d constantly guiltrip him and try and manipulate him

I know addiction isn't that straight forward but we were maybe naive and didn't realise it was an addiction until now

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 25/08/2025 08:51

Crmmett · 24/08/2025 23:52

My stepson is 18, he has NC with his mum, I've been in his life for 8 years and we are very close.

Just before Christmas last year he was found with weed on him at college, he removed off of his course (this wasn't the only thing, his attendance was terrible tbh). Then in the May we found out he’d been taking OTC Cocodamol as well as the weed which he didn't need. DH was furious, called him stupid etc. I tried to get stepson to talk and talk about how he felt, go to the GP etc but he wouldn't. He promised us he'd stop and stupidly we believed him

Then around his birthday last month he had a party, we had a call from his friend saying he was in a state, turns out he'd taken a bunch of different things, alcohol, ketamine, weed etc. Again DH got angry at him and told him next time he did that he'd be dead to him because he knows the risks, DH’s brother did die from a drug overdose so I think he just freaked out

This evening I've had a message from stepsons girlfriend saying she's worried, he's been at hers for the past few days and she told me he's been acting strange for a while but since he's been with her she's been noticing he's been taking paracetamol a lot, at first he said he had a headache and asked if she had some but since then he's been helping himself. She said she's seen him with another pill that he must’ve taken with him. She's asked if he's okay and mentioned the pills and paracetamol but he's told her he's fine but said it quite bluntly. She's tried to bring it up since and he's threatened to leave if she brings it up again which she doesn't want as her parents are away and she didn't want to be alone hence stepson staying there

WIBU to hide this from DH? Or does he need to know?im just worried about an extreme reaction again

Could you take him to the GP? To get him referred to Drug and Alcohol services? They will have a range of different healthcare professionals, psychologists, psychiatrists, helping with other aspects of your life. I'd offer to go with him, if you could.

I'd also make sure he gets in contact with the university disability services and let's them know, they'll be able to give him some extra support and more accommodations. He needs compassion and also someone to point out that he's not okay, it wouldn't necessarily be helpful if DH just got mad at him and may cause him to isolate and withdraw more.

Minxny · 25/08/2025 09:39

Your husband is not capable of hearing bad news, digesting it and then discussing it like an adult? You know him best, but I find that quite scary and I expect your stepson does too.

pontipinemum · 25/08/2025 09:44

How is he today?

It does sound like DH will react badly. But large doses of paracetamol are dangerous. Do you this DS would go to the doctors with you?

I know it gets thrown out like a 'fix all' solution a lot but I started counselling last November. I went through a lot growing up. Honestly it has changed so much in my life. I was abandoned by my mum - even if DS says he is fine and possibly thinks he is. It put something into you that is hard to explain. My perception of my own value is massively wrong

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2025 12:34

I think its up to you to start the ball rolling OP. Your DH doesn't sound able to control his reactions (he needs to speak to someone about that) and his input is currently very unhelpful.

People don't go to the GP just because they are asked to. You have to talk to GP yourself first then bring DS to an appointment -

It may be easier for your DH to stay calm once he knows things are in hand. Shouting at and blaming your son is just not helpful and doesn't help your DSS to find a way out of this.

I know its difficult for you to take charge as a step parent but it sounds like you are the calmer more practical parent and your boy trusts you.

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