To be upset to the point of leaving him

[Waaydownwego]

Sorry for long post, need some advice as feeling quite upset. Had a huge blow up with my partner resulting in him threatening suicide. He is facing redundancy and found out he didn't get a job he applied for. I'd spoke to him via text a few times in the afternoon and tried to be supportive, telling him it'll work out and sending job adverts etc.

After work I got home and said a throwaway comment about me being stressed as work is very stressful along with other commitments and struggling to find enough hours this week. The redundancy is obviously a stress to me too but I know it is happening to him and it probably was insensitive to say I was stressed. He didn't say anything but was giving me silent treatment and I did realise perhaps it was selfish to say I was stressed so tried to change the conversation to him. He was upset later on about his career so comforted him, helped him apply for other roles and stayed up late to chat etc.

The next morning I was working at home and I asked who was walking dog today, I admit I was probably short to him but was in my own head trying to plan the day. Resulted in a massive argument and I then snapped at him as he said that he does everything and I should be able to shoulder my stress and not make everything about me. Says I only care about impact of his redundancy on myself. He was screaming, threw things at the wall and then told me he wants to kill himself, everything is shit and that nothing he does for me is good enough. Left the house with no phone for over an hour while I'm frantically worrying that he's hurt himself.

He came back and have tried to talk but he just keeps saying I am selfish. I can see why he is hurt but feel his reactions out of order and effectively blaming me for wanting to kill himself. I said I feel unsafe when he reacts that way but he then said he feels unsafe as he doesn't know what he might do to himself living in this house with me. I know he is hurting and I have tried to support him but feel like he is twisting things to say I am only worried about myself and that I'm driving him to suicide. This is probably the 3rd time something like this has happened in a few years and it's impacting my mental health. AIBU to be upset after this?

Sounds like he urgently needs to get some MH support. Call 111 and ask for help .

I have absolutely zero tolerance of people who threaten ending their lives to make someone else feel awful. And it sounds like this is a pattern OP.

Do you have somewhere you could go for some time apart and some breathing space? You're not his emotional punchbag, and he needs to learn how to regulate his emotions.

I agree with the above comment. It’s terrible behaviour to threaten that and a form of manipulation. If he still thinks it’s ok and didn’t immediately regret it that speaks badly of him.

It sounds like a breakdown of sorts. Don't leave him, he needs support right now and professional help. You could stay out of his way though because there is no way you deserve to be treated like that. Let him process things for a while. If this becomes a pattern and things don't improve you should think about leaving but if you do I think do it when he is going through a good phase.

Wasn't this exact thread posted a couple of days ago? Or am I going round the twist?!

Sorry I have no sympathy for him. He needs to get a fucking grip. You’re supporting him to your own detriment and he’s treating you like shit. Weaponised suicide threats are emotional abuse.

His reaction to the loss of his job seems very extreme. His work might offer some counselling or he could to speak to someone /GP/Charities about that as this is really not a normal or justifiable response. You can’t tread on eggshells til he finds something - you both need a chat around how long you’re ok for, what contingencies you have, and what the plan for finding other employment is. Him threatening suicide is not safe for you (and your kids?) - and his past form should be taken seriously by professionals.

Take this as a sign that you are going to be his emotional punch bag everytime things go badly for him. That's your future if you allow this.

Yes there was.

It definitely was.

Threatening suicide and saying it’s your fault is manipulative. It does sound like he is having mental health issues, but that does not excuse abusive behaviour towards you. I honestly think you should leave him.