To just leave now

[HappyChick23]

Please be gentle - I am totally and utterly heartbroken.

Past history of messaging other women on social media, worked through it and moved on. A few years later, found lots of porn - this was coupled with a total disregard and disinterest in sex with me. Again, worked through it, had mutual boundaries and here we are 5 years later (been married 10).

Today it turns out he has been searching hundreds of women (some are my friends, colleagues etc) on social media to look at their photos on holidays (swim wear etc) - he admits he used these in place of porn. I feel so worthless, unloveable - I am just devastated.

we have kids, this breaks my heart.

I’m so sorry OP…it really doesn’t sound like he either can’t help himself or doesn’t care how his behaviour upsets you. But for me, it would be time to leave xx

God he’s grim. You poor thing. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t actually leave if it means taking the kids or leaving them. He should go and if he has any teeny tiny scrap of shame he will.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I don’t think yabu, your trust in him is lost and unless he makes a big effort to win back that trust, then you’ll just end up in constant heartbreak.
You need to have that conversation with him, work out how best to mitigate the damage.
good luck and sorry I can’t be more helpful.

When you worked through did you get counselling OP?

He is a sex pest. Get rid and don’t lion back. Men like this never change.

we didn’t unfortunately - I wouldn’t know where to start now

Thank you for all your replies tonight x. Yes I am utterly heartbroken and feel incredibly inadequate, and stupid really.

I’m so sorry OP. His behaviour is clearly vile and the kindest thing he can do is give you space and some peace. You are worth far more than this man gives you. 💐

You're not inadequate or stupid, you're just married to a sleazy slimeball.
Some of the most talented, intelligent, likeable and beautiful women in the world have been cheated on ( Jennifer Anniston, Princess Di, Agatha Christie- those are just a few whose names come to mind right now) . I just mention it to show that this has nothing to do with you or how attractive you are, your DH is vile and would be doing this whoever he married.
It's very sad to hear you say that you've worked through this more than once. I'm guessing that you mean that you forgave him and allowed him to persuade you to carry on despite his seediness. You shouldn't have to be stating boundaries around this sort of thing, it's disgusting behaviour, and disrespectful of you and the women whose photos he is wanking over.
You're not stupid, you were just hoping desperately to salvage your marriage. You have been more than generous, but now it's time to admit that he's not going to change, that this is who he is. Of course you're heartbroken, who wouldn't be, but all you can do now is move forward and work out how separate in the least traumatic way for the children.
You cannot assume that he will be fair or reasonable, so make sure you organise yourself in terms of finances and legal advice before you make any move.

I think for me the issue isnt so much he looks at porn but that hed rather look at it than be with you.

There are some reasons for that you may get over, but id suggest the only way is marriage counselling where you talk about it. But some of what you hear you wont like.

But thats only if you want to save it. You cant undo how hes behaved, and you cant forget and move on like last time. Or you can end it. No one will think less of you either way