AIBU to push my son to do a sport where he has lost confidence?

[Tryingtodotherightthing44]

Hi, I'd really appreciate advice from this especially from parents of sporty teens. We are not a sporty family and I never dreamed this would be an issue but here we are! I put my kids into lots of clubs when they were young just for social skills and excercise but one of them has turned out to be really sporty and excels at everything he tries. Not a stealth boast - I'm baffled by him! But obviously try to support him in every way. He has been particulary good at one sport and competes to national level. He was even starting to dream of competing at college level and so on. Anyway he had a few bad weeks before the summer and now he has come back training and his confidence is shot and its going really badly. He says he feels he can't compete physically but I can see at least some of it is in his head, he heads off to training with his head down looking tense and it's hard to compete in that form. To complicate matters he also plays another sport, let's call it Sport B. He's very good at that too but not exceptional. He's in the top team, loves it, is a great team player and an asset but he won't go any further than good club level, just being honest.. He's putting all his energy into sport B at the moment, watching it on youtube, talking about it, reading the magazines etc and seems to have really turned his back on Sport A. Sport A is a solo sport and I think he feels a lot less pressure in Sport B. Anyway I hate seeing my child miserable so what do I do? I asked him if he wants to give up Sport A (if it's making him miserable) but he says no, he just wants to do better and he's sad because his legs won't do what he is telling them to do. But I can't help feeling it's a self fulfilling prophecy, as he's turning up to training and competitions looking miserable and expecting to fail. So as not to drip feed, he's 13, and has gone through a growth spurt but not puberty yet. He eats really well but definitely doesn't get enough sleep, the bed time really slipped during the summer holidays although we are trying to get that back now for school. I just don't want to see him so sad, but I also don't want him to give something up if he turns around in a few years and regrets it. He genuinely thinks it's all physical but he's competing really well with Sport B and has loads of energy etc so I really don't think that's the whole story. Sorry it was so long.

Why are we not allowed to know what the sports are? I feel it's kinda vital to forming an opinion

Can he join a different club in sport A to give him a fresh prospective? I do think when they hit 13 it 14 is a do-or-die situation. Kids suddenly realise there’s another world out there.

If he’s still ok going then let him go, if he really doesn’t want to go then let him stop and ramp up B perhaps .. is it gymnastics?

As he’s 13, I’d go along with what he wants.

I don’t have sporty kids but I can imagine that there are peaks and troughs in motivation, confidence and performance over time.

I think that it’s fine that he wants to persevere with A but currently finding B more enjoyable. Resilience is an admirable quality to have and I would just watch out for him descending into something damaging because he can’t cope with his current dip.

Kids develop in spurts which can be frustrating for them as their bodies shoot up and their brains have to adjust to it which seems to take longer ime. Keep it fun and be guided by him.

Why the secret code?

It sounds like doing both sports is what he wants at the moment, you asked him and he didn’t want to give up. Has he or you spoken to his coaches? Does he have a good relationship with them? Sometimes a change of coach can be helpful (some are excellent with children, but struggle with teenagers). Or it might be chatting to the coach, who has probably seen in all before, help him get the spark back. Development in sport is rarely linear.

Thanks everyone. Sport B is football. Sport B is a less common, solo sport but you train as part of a club.

Thanks. Yes that was one of the reasons I posted. I want to speak to his coaches (who are lovely) but I wasn't sure if I was coming across as a terrible pushy mother or not! This is all really new to me. I was the classic picked last for every team at school person so it's like a foreign country

Depending on the sport, 13 is fairly young to specialise. Sounds like he's doing the right thing by perservering with sport A whilst enjoying sport B more.

I’d recommend speaking to coaches to see if they can help him find his confidence again.
However my DC played a sport he was very good at and wanted to change to football, a sport he had less natural talent in. I supported his choice and he had much more fun playing football and has developed so many friendships, as have I being the parent watching on the sidelines. He’ll never play for England but that doesn’t matter.
Thinking back to my teenage years, my parents insisted I should continue something at that age that I began to hate. And I’ve never done it again. I did have talent but zero enthusiasm.
I would try to help him find his confidence but not at the expense of his happiness. Let him do what he wants to.

Sport at age 13 should be fun. I think he may have reached the pinnacle of sport A.

Pole vault, long jump, diving?

What does the coach say?

I would work with the coaches really, if he is playing at national level then he will have access to good coaches and they can offer advice. I would also back off a bit as he might need a break. Ds18 plays a sport at high level and at the beginning of the year he stopped training completely, i left him to it and within 6 weeks he slowly started training again. I think sometimes the pressure becomes too much, especially if your dc is adding in a second sport as ds would have no time for that or ability mentally or physically. If he loves it and has support I am sure he will continue. 13 is a tricky age when it comes to commitment around sport etc.

If he wants to keep going with sport A then that's ok, kids aren't always going to be really happy all the time about everything.

Sometimes you plateau in a sport and it feels like everyone else is moving ahead. He might persevere and then catch up or he might persevere and feel he's too far behind to keep going at that level and drop back or drop out.

Tell him you're proud of him no matter what and that you're impressed that he wants to persevere right now even though it's not coming easy.

That’s good advice. My df was a great football coach. Ds1 was a good footballer but had a significant dip in year 8. His football coach was getting really frustrated with him as he relied on him. I spoke to my df and he said, well he’s had a growth spurt and is getting used to this new body. I thought that made perfect sense. I relayed this back to the coach, who was an ex professional footballer, and he said ‘I never thought of that’.

Sport A sounds like competitive swimming- my Dc do this and it is brutal. Even if he gets to nationals - what after that? I’d let him focus on the team game - much more enjoyable long term. I wish my DD had another sport so we could ditch swimming - it’s so demoralising sometimes

Is it the yips? Some documentaries (Simone Biles on Netflix) as well as speaking to coach. Or if it’s just be his body adjusting / growing… some time just practicing / playing the sport (vs competing) might help him get his groove back. A change of tone or focus - eg helping younger kids train, doing different lengths / distances / drills, or focusing on strength / stamina might just reframe things a bit for him.

There’s a couple of national+ level athletes in the family; the coaching staff and other organisations eg sports relief, the association etc have offered very good resources too. But agree it’s mostly about ensuring his passion isn’t taken away!

Apologies I think I've changed my name! Anyway yes it is a version of the yips. He had a bad competition and is vv nervous now. Hence enjoying the team sport I think, less pressure.

Im hoping this is part of it and trying to make sure he eats, rests etc. He has grown 2 inches this summer. That must be exhausting ?

As PP said he's probably having a growth spurt and is less coordinated. Have a word with his coach,