To ask how do I actually leave my husband?

[Minusone]

Both children are leaving for university next week, we’ve had yet another miserable weekend of not talking over something minor and I’m done. We have a joint mortgage and I can’t really afford to rent and pay that - I’m exhausted and probably not thinking straight! I’m usually very good at fixing problems but I’m really lost! What do I physically do? We earn around the same so really I think I just leave? The house needs some essential repairs before we can sell, do I move into another bedroom and stay till it’s fixed up and sold? Who can’t I figure out this basic decision? Do I go to a solicitor? What for? Both children are now 18? Our earnings are the same ish so I don’t think there’s anything to sort out? Can someone who has been through this help me figure it out? Am I being stupid and unreasonable to ask for help and it’s obvious? I feel like I operating on 3% brain capacity

Have you always worked or were you PT or SAHM when the children were young?
If so talk to a solicitor as it will have impacted your career, your earnings & your pension so you could be entitled to more to reflect this fact.

Always good to take legal advice first.
Also assume that your husband will play dirty so get all the info you need before telling him you want a divorce

Too late for that, I told him this morning to which he replied “if that’s what you want” he’s still in bed now

I took a couple of years off then worked part time for 6 years but that was obviously quite some time ago. He does have a really good pension and we have made financial decisions based on that and (this sounds morbid sorry) based on a sizeable inheritance he will receive now his dad is at end of life care. However that inheritance would be solely his if I leave and I’m ok with that. I will struggle to afford a house big enough for the children to come back to for summers and it breaks my heart they’ll lose the home they grew up in but at this point honestly it would be worth it

Have you spoken to him? I mean at this stage where your kids are adults and you don’t want to be with him, he might also want the same. Do you pretty much live separate lives anyway?

I do think see a lawyer but also not everyone is out to get everyone else, so play it safe 50/50 everything take it from there stay in the house until sold. If the market is buoyant in your area you don’t need to fix it up before you sell it will go anyway. Stay in separate rooms shake hands and go your separate ways. Remember the big occasions in your DC lives mean they want you both there don’t make it awkward for them. My DHs parents are divorced and I dread my DCs wedding as it will be awkward.
anyway good luck. My theory is if you are not a d*ck about it he might not be but if he is you have the moral high ground.

I have spoken to him, he is going into acting like the victim, we don’t lead separate lives and can still have a nice time together I still love him but he is a very angry man who shouts and swears when he gets stressed and I live in an angry house where I walk on eggshells about. If something upsets him we all know about it and I’ll often have to deal with an outburst of rage followed by silent treatment and I don’t want to live like that anymore, and I assume neither does he, it’s an insane way to live. He very recently went and spoke to a dr and git anti depressants after me begging him to get for years but yesterday he pretty much said he only needs them because of me so I thought it best I remove that stressor (me) from his life

Can you move into an unused bedroom and he buys you out when he gets his inheritance @Minusone
Agree a kitchen schedule so you avoid each other.
Split the fridge and freezer and be responsible for your own cooking, washing up and shopping.
Do your own laundry washing.
Take up hobbies like gym or evening classes so you can avoid each other in the evening. Turn your new bedroom into a bedsit. Kettle, microwave.
Clean up after yourself promptly. Leave no mess for him to criticize or point at.
Split bills 50/50
Decline offers of days out/film night/takeaway. Make no such offers. Those days are over.
One showers in the morning, one showers in the evening.
If he is happy to leave a mess, then leave it for him to clean at his convenience. Might be different to how you do things. Bite your tongue, grow mental housework blinkers.

If he confronts or argues or tries to make a decision for you, you calmly state "I will take some time to think about it." then walk away.
It IS possible to stay in a joint house for a time, but you need iron discipline and a strong will. No fuzzy or blurred lines. Most important of all, you MUST wean yourself off him, self reliance, outside interests, and save every penny you can. If you want to eat crackers and cheese and not cook big meals, you can save yourself time, effort and money to please just you.
No rush to divorce.

Best of luck. x

Thank you! Just having someone send kind words has made me cry! I don’t think he wants to buy me out I think he wants a stress free life and an old big house doesn’t give you that !

You are making absolutely the right decision. I gave up my dream self-build because it was carpeted in eggshells, and it was a price well worth paying.

Great post from @2catsandhappy about making it real while you have to share a home.

Fixer-uppers command a premium in many areas. You may find the cost (emotional and financial) of working on your house is just not worth it.

Do you have financial transparency, ie know about each other’s savings/pensions, the house value, any debts etc? Start looking seriously at what you can afford, both practically and financially. Could you move to a different area? A completely different type of home?

Thats no way to live OP, I am sorry that you have been. If you think hes going to go all victim then protect yourself, I still would try to live in your house but separate lives where possible. Solicitor first, remember you dont need to walk on eggshells anymore, once the DC have gone, its time to Grey Rock, and take no 💩. Good luck