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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Limiting DD access to Ex In-laws

19 replies

Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 10:49

Hi all
Husband and I have formally separated. Long history of unresolved issues.
We have a DD3 - before the separation husband and I decided we would reduce time at In-laws due to DD picking up weird behaviours and in-laws not adhering to any routines or structure including giving DD her own iPad to scroll through and free access to the sweets cupboard etc, even after numerous requests. It got to the stage that I had to tell DD to say no Thankyou when giving her smarties etc as it was playing havoc with her stools etc which led to MIL getting really bitchy back to DD3 indirectly at me.
Also they all smoke and this has really bugged me from day one and never been listened to as they never wash hands before coming to DD even as a baby. And the times I had asked they always were awrkward about it.
We decided we would reduce the 2 days to 1 this September - we seperated start of summer and I enrolled DD3 for swimming lessons after work on the day she will go to ex in-laws. As we are not in contact (their choice) I have asked exH to tell his parents to drop DD to nursery from 1230 onwards so I can collect and go about my day and avoid seeing his parents etc.
They have massively kicked up a fuss saying I'm being wrong and he keeps asking if I can just let her stay the full day at his parents and he will get her to me for 4pm. For context he works out of town and I know from experience if he's stuck in traffic or late it will be on me to go collect her from his parents. I can't guarantee they will feed her not feed her etc so I will be in the dark about her day. The in-laws don't do any activities with DD never have just screen time and sweets.
Ex keeps asking me to reconsider.
AIBU to stick to my guns about half day nursery?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 24/08/2025 10:56

There’s a lot of issues tied up together in this.

if you are separated the usual deal is that you don’t get any control over what the child does while they are with him (assuming it is legal).

so if it’s one of “his” days then he‘s quite entitled to ask his parents to look after her.

that being said I wouldn’t be overly happy about it either but I’m not sure there is much you can actually do.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:04

Octavia64 · 24/08/2025 10:56

There’s a lot of issues tied up together in this.

if you are separated the usual deal is that you don’t get any control over what the child does while they are with him (assuming it is legal).

so if it’s one of “his” days then he‘s quite entitled to ask his parents to look after her.

that being said I wouldn’t be overly happy about it either but I’m not sure there is much you can actually do.

No this would be an additional day. He has only requested to have DD every other weekend.
I have already made it clear to him he can take DD 3 to his parents on his contact time as he feels best.

OP posts:
Happyelephants · 24/08/2025 11:06

It reads as if you're using your in laws for childcare, if you want to reduce her time with them, you need to stop this.

You'll need your ex to agree though, as the first poster said, it's up to him if she sees them on his access time. You'll need to remind him that he'd agreed they weren't a good influence before you split, it's not related to the breakup.

I'd advise mediation for you and ex, to develop a parenting/access plan.

CinnamonBuns67 · 24/08/2025 11:10

If it's his day or she is in his care then you have no control as you are separated so he makes the decisions then, he may have agreed with you back then but it's clear he no longer agrees. Some contact centres offer an option of a pick up/drop off service. So they'd drop DD off them say (just as an example) 2pm, then you'd be told to arrive at 2.15pm to pick up giving them time to leave before you arrive. Could that be an option?

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:11

No it is not his contact day. He wants his parents to see his daughter and he has offered to pick and drop but I know from experience it won't always end up like that and it will fall on me.

OP posts:
Brainstorm23 · 24/08/2025 11:12

I agree with others posters. Your in-laws sound like idiots and I wouldn't want them looking after my daughter but it's up to your ex as to who cares for your daughter when it's "his time".

It would probably be easier all round if she just went to nursery the whole day (are they not charging you for a full day anyway?).

This is a problem you need to work out with him. I would approach it from a "what is best for our daughter standpoint" rather than a "i hate your parents" and maybe he will see sense.

Simonjt · 24/08/2025 11:13

Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:11

No it is not his contact day. He wants his parents to see his daughter and he has offered to pick and drop but I know from experience it won't always end up like that and it will fall on me.

In that case why isn’t she doing a full day of nursery?

Zempy · 24/08/2025 11:15

I don’t understand what’s happening here. Are you using XPILS for childcare during your contact time? If so, stop.

They can have access to DD during their son’s contact time.

Changeintheweathet · 24/08/2025 11:15

You should insist on the nursery plan as it's not happening on his day. Unfettered access to the Internet is a huge no.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:15

Simonjt · 24/08/2025 11:13

In that case why isn’t she doing a full day of nursery?

Show quote history

Because as stated he wants his parents to still have her for some of the day. I want the full day nursery but he keeps making me feel bad - and I do to some extent they went to two days before summer to no days with DD3 in a space of 8 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:16

Zempy · 24/08/2025 11:15

I don’t understand what’s happening here. Are you using XPILS for childcare during your contact time? If so, stop.

They can have access to DD during their son’s contact time.

No I don't want to but ex keeps asking so I said I would trial the morning only but he keeps putting pressure on me for the full day.

OP posts:
Zempy · 24/08/2025 11:23

Tell him he can make arrangements for DD to see his parents during his time. Put DD in nursery the whole day and tell them GPs are not permitted to pick up without your explicit consent.

Azandme · 24/08/2025 11:27

Hiitsmeagain1 · 24/08/2025 11:16

No I don't want to but ex keeps asking so I said I would trial the morning only but he keeps putting pressure on me for the full day.

Show quote history

You agreed to something you didn't have to, he either takes it or leaves it.

I'd be very clear, half day or no day are the options and if he pushes one more time it's no day.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 24/08/2025 11:31

stop half day with ex inlaws. job done

Hoppinggreen · 24/08/2025 11:34

How can you arrange visits for DD with PIL if they won't speak to you?
They can see her during her fathers contact time not yours

Whyherewego · 24/08/2025 11:56

If you are not in contact then it's not practical for this arrangement because it will require coordination
He either has more contact days and does what he wants childcare wise or this arrangement is not happening

Sunnyscribe · 24/08/2025 12:29

I'm not sure how the legal stuff works but you say it's not "his day" so you have the choice here by the sounds of things.

It sounds like you don't want her to go there so don't send her there. They don't respect your wishes as a parent with sweets and screentime and routines and your ex can't reliably support these visits so it's inconvenient for you. Also they've chosen to go no contact which makes it really uncomfortable to them pick her up from theirs.

They expect to much. Reality is, you are separated from you ex now and have gone no contact so they will have to see grandchild through him. He only sees her once every couple of weeks so that should be their baseline.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 24/08/2025 12:42

You have no relationship with them, you don’t like the way they look after your daughter, the father is living and in contact with his parents so it’s between them to sort it out.

It’s your day, put her in nursery. Don’t facilitate them at all, it’s not your job.

Vaxtable · 24/08/2025 12:44

She sees his parents on the times he has her. Simple as that

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