To expect to find someone who doesn't just want sex?

[Darkrod3]

Long story short. Been single for 3 years. Previously in a 20 year relationship/marriage. Never did the whole OLD as it wasn't thing back then. Spent 2.5 years single just enjoying my kids. Got a bit lonely on a Friday and Saturday evening, so I thought I'd give Tinder a go. Worse mistake of my life! The amount of time wasters, conversations that fizzle despite them popping up first.

I met one man I actually caught feelings for, he turned out to be a narcissist who played weird mind games and used this push pull technique to keep me hooked. The whole thing only lasted 4 months but he made me so ill I had to have therapy. Too much to go into.

second man I met was weird, never had a relationship and he was nearly 40. He was very introverted that's why he said he couldn't maintain relationships. I had sex with him on the first date, as I wanted to and liked his company. Problem was I made it my goal to bring him out of his shell, I took him places I don't think he wanted to go, as I was always the one contacting him to make plans. In the end he started getting overwhelmed I actually suspect he has some form of autism. He become mean picking me up on small things on my behaviour and appearance, when I snapped and said a few things back he blocked me.

anyway spoke to my therapist and she said I need to go for someone normal. I matched with a guy, he was very sweet, told me his ex had cheated on him. Listened to all my stuff attentively, invited me back to his, he didn't try to have sex, weirdly enough was showing me around his house. Very house proud. Pen to paper he should be someone I should go for, he has a lovely house, good job, he listens but I wasn't attracted to him. He would text daily saying morning and asking how my day was. Problem was he would text me first then reply hours later. Anyway I thought give him another chance to see if attraction grew. We went for a walk in a park and a drink, we chatted. At the end of the date no hugs, I got no vibe from him that he liked me. I still didn't fancy him. Anyway he messaged all week then asked how my night out was, I replied and he never text back again. I thought best to leave it. But was a bit annoyed, as seemed rude!

so my therapist said I need to start telling people I don't find them attractive, to stop people pleasing as I have all these men on WhatsApp that keep popping up randomly just to chat.

so a few weeks later I messaged the nice man to say I didn't think there was a connection and I guess he didn't either but asked his advise on online dating. He agreed that I was cool and he liked my company but didn't feel a connection. Anyway he asked if I'd go for a walk again as friends. I agreed.

met him and he looked really fit. I don't know if it's because there was no expectation anymore or what it was. He complemented me and said I looked beautiful. Anyway he started talking about his ex and how she wouldn't be intimate with him, I said you mean "sex" we both laughed. Then I seen him differently.

I text him when I got home saying I found him really fit today and the sexual side was nice as that what was lacking first two dates as I'd friend zoned him. He said the same. So he invited me to his house Friday, we watched a movie, drank wine and had sex. Prior to that he was taking about not wanting a full on committed relationship (straight away) as he likes his alone time to do his own thing or visit his family. There was hypothetical chat like if we started seeing each other, it would be casual as see how it goes from there. Which seemed normal to me. I get overwhelmed at the thought of jumping into a mad, full on relationship.

We had sex and was good, definitely seen a different side to him. We cuddled for ages and everyone I tried to leave he asked me to stay longer. He messaged me a few times yesterday saying he enjoyed the company and telling me about his day and asking about mine. I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema mid week and he said he will get back to me as he will need to look what's on.

He so far hasn't messaged me today, normally always a good morning text: I'm so annoyed! I feel used for sex, like it's a bit obvious he doesn't want to do anything that's not sex related. Otherwise he'd have just said yes straight away. I literally give up. I'm really sad.

Im attracted naturally to emotionally unavailable men, then when i give the nice ones a chance they are no different. So am I being unreasonable to tar all men with the same brush, whether they start off as nice or toxic they all just want one thing!

Read a book called attached. It was life changing for me. I was slightly anxious on the attachment scale and went for avoidants and ended up getting hurt a lot. OLD is a head f*ck tho. Most people join when they should go for therapy.
Your nervous system is pre empting rejection and that’s why you feel used etc. But you’re not the centre of anyone’s world and why should you be… centre yourself and say “I enjoyed it and I’ll be fine regardless” then go do something physical.. walk/gardening/exercise. You have to keep yourself as the centre of your universe (not in an egotistical way) but to know that someone else won’t make or break you - our primative brain needs reminding of this as when sex comes into play, the reptilian brain wakes up 🤣

Also I’d rather be used for sex if I enjoy it than used for ironing 🤣

Fab thanks. I'll definitely look into this. I never used to be like this. Back in the day I'd use men, I didn't give them a second thought.

my marriage got quite toxic at the end, lots of addiction issues with my husband so I think I just wanted stuff back under control, now I' attempt to control others.

i agree I definitely need to shift my focus and get busy. I'm like addicted to swiping tinder. I'll pause or delete it but forget how bad it was then go back on and the cycle starts again! 🤦‍♀️

🤣🤣🤣 I really wish I could meet someone and just be happy to meet for just sex, no strings attached. Being a woman is bloody annoying. Yes definitely don't miss the ironing for a man days.

Tinder is about hookups and one night stands, it's not the place to look for a serious partner.

This is going to sound awful and I apologise in advance. I tried POF and I'm not being rude but do men look in the mirror before messaging. I'm 40 but look early 30s, very baby faced. Quite attractive so I'm told. The amount of men that were probably pushing 60, overweight, bald and bad teeth, contacting me was laughable. They are actually deluded. I even put in my bio only contact me if you're tall, dark and I'm partial to hair 🤣 otherwise it's pointless, plus I did say I don't date men older than myself. They don't listen. They think their personality can win you over. Maybe in real life but not on OLD.

that's the thing, I have to find them attractive. The problem is the types I'm going for are very good looking, well to me. So maybe I need to give more average looking guys a chance. But I don't see why I should. I love sex but don't want to keep having lots of casual encounters with multiple men.

I hear you! I was married over 20 years too… where there’s addiction there’s a person not far away with codependency issues too. Codependent no more is another life changing book. Not to fix but to have greater self awareness. Also Tinder is designed to be addictive.. don’t forget that! Don’t be too harsh on yourself for having emotions as it’s entirely natural to be wary of meeting someone else who isn’t good for you.. sometimes it can be good to take some time out for yourself. Good luck. If it’s any consolation they all turn into dickheads after 5 years 🤣🤣🤣

Weirdly an ex-fling from many years ago (we are on good terms) has recommended this to me. He went through a divorce just before I was blindsided by my own relationship breakdown. Haven’t started it yet - am only just starting to function a year after the break up and couldn’t deal with reading it - but you’ve reminded me to start it. I am 53 and probably won’t date again as I really don’t have the heart, but it would be useful to work out if it was them or me, as I’ve been taking my poor track record on relationships very personally.

It’s never you OR them - it can be just a bad combination together… another book is by Elizabeth Gilbert - think it’s called committed? It explores our expectations of relationships nowadays. I don’t encourage settling but we expect a partner to be everything to us. Best mate, hot lover, counsellor, like the same things etc etc. but the reality is that we need more than one relationship in our lives and friends actually mean more to me nowadays even though I am in a relationship. Although he’s a grumpy bugger. That’s another story though…. Am sure there’s a book for that too 🤣🤣🤣