Feeling of sadness tonight

[Velveteengreen]

I was reading through my old journals tonight starting back from when I was 12 until I was about 24. The main ones were around 15-18 though.

I was constantly writing about a guy I thought I was in love with. He was always flirting with me and I was pining over him so much. We were friends and eventually we had a brief relationship when we were both 17, almost 18. Then a few hook ups after 18. Even while I had another boyfriend (which is bad I know!)

It was definitely limerence and it ate into every part of my life as a teenager and young adult.
He was obviously leading me on and although we did very much fancy each other, he was never going to want anything serious. I beat myself up about it so much. All I wanted was someone to love me back.

The sad thing is that this pattern has continued into my adult life. Every relationship I’ve had (bar one which I messed up) including the one I’m in currently, the men have been mostly indifferent to me eventually. They start off very ‘into me’ then the inevitable waning begins. I see other people in relationships and their partner’s are infatuated with them, even decades later.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autusm recently.

Wish I’d never re-read the journals. They’ve just made me depressed 😢

Do you truly love yourself? If not, make that your priority. Then you'll be able to get involved with the right person. Put your desire for a relationship well behind all your other needs and wants. And don't compare yourself with others. Comparison is the thief of joy. When you can reread your journals with love and compassion for your younger self, you will be ready. All the best x

No I don’t really love myself. I’ve never really liked myself.

I think its rare to find a relationship where both parties are infatuated with each other. Where infatuation is a factor there's almost always a power dynamic of one person loving more. The women you are observing with infatuated partners have probably chosen to be in relationships with men who want them, rather than seeking relationships with men they want. This brings its own issues, because the partner who is indifferent has settled, compromising what they want. For the best chance of healthy equality with a person who is right for you, any sign of infatuation or chasing by either party should be seen as a red flag.