Constant comments from mil that is affecting my mental health badly

[Zaina89]

my in laws are Pakistani, I am Muslim but not Pakistani.
i have 3 kids, dd1 9, about to be 10 in 2 weeks, ds2 who is 8, and dd2 who will be 2 in October.

when my dd turned 1 last year and she came over for dds 1st birthday my mil would make constant comments that i “ had the perfect with 2 kids before, a girl and a boy” but “oh you planned another one”

these comments hurt and i told my husband and he wasn’t happy but never confronted his mum,

regardless of girls or boys we have always said when we got married we wanted to have 3 children.

my mother in law has again come over to visit and dd2 is almost 2 now at the end of October, over the past few days she’s been saying the same comments,

” you had the perfect life with a girl and a boy but you went ahead and wanted another one now look she’s hard work”

“ if your sister in laws 2nd child was a girl ( he was a boy) she never would have planned a 3rd, she only had a 3rd because she wanted a girl”

“ oh this person manages their house hold so well, look they only have 2 kids, 1 girl and 1 boy”

just a reminder, my mother in law has 3 kids herself in the order of girl,boy and boy. That’s what makes this even worse.

it is affecting my mental health badly, dd is quite difficult, she’s never slept a night and I’m so sleep deprived and we are currently dealing with teething, but she is and was obviously very much wanted and planned by me and dh, we always said we wanted 3 kids, even though she’s hard work I love her unconditionally and this is hurting me, and because I’m sleep deprived it’s affecting my mental health and now I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t have had another.

i honestly don’t know what to do, I don’t know why she’s making these comments to me on a daily basis, it’s not like I’m planning a 3rd, the 3rd is almost 2 years old and already alive! It’s really, really hurting me.

Tell her to shut up with her nasty comments about your beloved child. Sometimes it’s worth beIng blunt to the point of rudeness to get your point across. She’s being really horrible to keep hinting about how you’d be happier without your third child. I feel annoyed on your behalf!

What an unpleasant post, would you say that to other people with mental health issues who post on Mumsnet? Another poster has suggested that the OP needs to work at resilience. The OP is exhausted and sleep deprived and her husband isn't supporting her. The MIL is an unpleasant individual and the OP needs her husband to tell his mother to stop being a pain.
Good grief, there are some nasty posters and trolls on this thread.

Tell her you're planning triplets next.

Just remember she’s the bitxh here! If you’re able, just throw something back at her to throw some shade … if she’s religious then say ‘ oh MIL I’ll pray for god to forgive your horrible words’ … or if you’re able just tell her to butt out of your business, if you want her opinion you’ll ask for now it’s a definite keep your beak out

Thank you for all the replies.

maybe I am overreacting letting what she says get to me this much but it’s not just comments about my kids,

she also makes comments about my body ( I’m pear shaped) telling me I need to exercise, asked if I’ve exercised daily, tells me daily my hips are “very big” and legs. It’s on a daily basis.

tells me my daughter doesn’t do “ enough” house work, when my 8 year old son washes the dishes as I’m trying to teach him she tells me it’s a girls job and I should get my daughter to do it. It’s so many things that it is affecting my mental health badly. If it was something said once it wouldn’t affect me but it’s DAily

When you are sleep deprived and vulnerable these things cut deep.

OMG you definitely need firm boundaries - I hope your DH does plenty around the house! Make sure MiL sees this and get your DH to defend you.
ages rude, tell her to her face, you’re rude and you’re sexist MiL, your opinions are outdated and frankly abusive

Why are you seeing her daily? Why do you not disagree with her when she makes comments? If you snap back and tell her that her comments are rude and hurtful and if she hasn't got anything nice to say maybe she should keep her opinions to herself - maybe she'd think twice before saying it! You need to learn to stand up for yourself and not let her ridiculous comments bother you.

Are you living with her?
My MIL is also Pakistani (I'm not) and sometimes she says some pretty cutting things - I think culturally people are a little more to the point.

However she's also not a horrible person so when she's said very publicly I'm too old for more babies (I'm almost 40 and just had my 3rd) I pointed out she was probably too young to have her 1st (she had my husband at 17) - we both had a laugh and moved on.
She's told me I'm too skinny. I pointed out I don't cook with 3 litres of oil in every meal, we laugh we move on. If she's being personal to be nasty you need to get your husband on side.
...and if you're living with your in-laws do what she's probably terrified of and move out.

But it’s no one’s business though
unless the OP is constantly whinging about how hard things are I don’t see it’s got anything to do with her

"yes you are right..let's choose which one to put up for adoption at dinner"

As usual, you have a DH problem. Why isn’t he standing up for you??

Next time she mentions your body shape tell her you shag her ds every night and what more exercise does she suggest?
You need to see a lot less of her....

Oh it's hard to deal with people like this when you're kind and sensitive. I think you will have to make yourself a little harder around her and always ask her if she means to be so rude everytime she's rude. But the most important thing would be to reduce the time you spend around her. Tell your husband you will only see her if he's there as well and he needs to tell her to stop if she starts being rude. His mum, his problem.

I agree your problem is your dh. I can understand why he's reluctant to speak back to her but he really needs to grow a pair and step up here.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him directly that this is seriously affecting your mental wellbeing and its directly insulting to his child and his wife is being insulted in her home daily and ask him as a father and a husband what exactly is he going to do about it. And wait for his answer. And then tell him that if he doesn't step up and deal with his mother, you will because this is your home, your family and you are not a doormat to be walked over. He has a choice to enable his mother's continued offensive behaviour but he needs to be really clear that this will happen at the direct expense of his marriage and the happiness of his family.

I do think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more as well though. Yes, he needs to deal with his mother but you also should be able to bite back at the time if she insults you while he's not there. And he needs to back you to the hilt. I would prepare some lines so you can have them ready for her and you aren't left thinking of what to say and you repeat them. You can be firm and polite and direct at the same time which is usually the best way to go.

"Tell your husband you will only see her if he's there as well" I also agree with this. It's not going to be long before your youngest understands what her granny means and will be hurt by it. You both need to protect her from that and it needs to be spelt out to her very clearly.

My NDN who was Hindu used to get grief from her MiL for having two daughters and not trying again for a son, for driving when the car was deemed to be her DH’s domain and for not making enough pickles.
You’re not alone OP. Ignore her.

Usually, I would say that you need to try and learn to not give a fuck what she thinks. And I do think that is the best thing you can do, but I also acknowledge that you’re feeling very vulnerable at the moment because you’re sleep deprived so it’s easier said than done. Your DH needs to start sticking up for you OP.

Tell her you can't put the baby back now so her comments are pointless and stare her hard in the eyes.

You need to say what you’ve said here to your husband and then he’s got 2 choices either tell his mum to keep her opinions to herself or tell his mum to stop visiting . You don’t need to see the MIL , he can visit alone / with the kids .

Next time she makes ridiculous comments, here’s what you say ‘Why don’t you shut the fuck up?’ Easily said, practise in front of a mirror!

My mil is also incredibly critical and it's so unpleasant. My husband stands up for me though, it is so much harder for you that yours doesn't. I try to think of how miserable it must be to actually be her and think in such a negative way, and not take it on myself because it's her issue not mine. (Definitely easier said than done though!)

I presume they are all living together, but if not as long as they are not being used for childcare then the op can stand up for herself and speak to the mil, no she does not need a man to stand up for her

Good on you for getting your son to washing the dishes. Please reiterate about Rosie………. great example of pushing back. Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job as a mum, enjoy it, it goes by too fast. X

What does she want you to do, squeeze her back in?

Imagine growing up in a family being told your birth ruined it