I returned from an extended family holiday, which has left me feeling quite frankly pretty traumatised, without sounding overly dramatic. I had not realised how much my obtuse childhood was still impacting on me and how 5 days with my extended family has left me feeling quite unwell. It is all largely centered around a foundation of second guessing peoples emotions, feeling continually like I have done something wrong, excessive people pleasing which is an offshoot of childhood coping mechanisms and now seeing the impact of my parents behaviour on other people. I had an upbringing punctuated by the management of my mothers alcohol abuse whereby she would frequently tell me I was mad/weird/am embarrassment etc. I was largely terrified of my mums behaviour and there were frequent incidents of me running away to try and avoid it/cope with it. Once i went so far away the police had to go looking for me and I was gone for two days. This was in response to my mum saying she wished I'd "F888 off and not come back". Sometimes my father would intervene (ie get angry with my mum but eventually what happened would be that mum would get sad and it would then be my fault for making a "fuss"). I am not talking about situations where Mum got a bit tipsy, I mean things like binge drinking to an extent where she'd wake me up in the night as a teenager to be verbally abusive when I had school the next day, or drink so much she'd projectile vomit and we all had to witness it. I would run out of the house in the middle of the night to escape. Once I ran to a phone box and ranf Childline who offered to arrange for me to be picked up but I was too scared of what would happen, and still felt loyal to my Mum so I went home again. I remember constant arguments, doors slamming, violence etc. There are loads of other examples. I never knew which mum I was going to get. As I recall I was a very shy and introverted child who was very quiet and compliant, so I wasnt a hellishly behaved teenager. I left home and I thought that would be the end of it but I have realised that it's deeply impacted me into adulthood ie excessive people pleasing, real fear of rejection, I apologise for everything etc etc. My father on the other hand I have come to realise is a total bully. He uses his moods to control situations/people and it's awful. On the face of it you wouldn't really think anything was wrong but that's because I have had a lot of counselling which has helped me to an extent but there are still things that affect me. My mum flew off the handle with me about something when we were away and I regressed into this scared child again and stayed upstairs for most of the afternoon. Her mood switches with no warning. I have grown up thinking that I am the problem. Some of this I have had to forgive on the basis that she had a traumatic upbringing which I think explains some of the treatment of me. However having had my own children I do my best to make them feel safe and loved. I am not a perfect parent but I cherish my children and I feel furious that a Mum could behave this way. Over the years my Dad has hit me, berated me, told me I'm useless, and I've had similar treatment from my mum when standing up for myself or trying to make my own decisions. I still feel completely beholden to their reactions. Even at 45 I still go through this thought process of "But what would mum and dad think?" I have suffered anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I was treated for crippling OCD at 12 years old, this recurrs now and again. I started excessively washing my hands when we were away and I couldn't stop it. I have had my own issues with substances when I was much younger which I have resolved now (all that was a coping mechanism). When I write it down it looks and sounds dreadful. There were some happy times within this but I have almost deluded myself into thinking my childhood was happy and idyllic and I now don't think that it was. We had pets, holidays, food to eat, clothes to wear etc but I spent most of my childhood in a state of serious anxiety and confusion. I am fortunate to have siblings that I get on well with, although I realise we are all traumatised in our own way. Does anyone have any advice as to where I go with this? I know some people must think I am mad to have gone away with them but as I have explained I am still under this illusion that it wasn't that bad and that it's me with the problem(s). Being labelled as 'sensitive' by them has not helped. I feel really angry and sad today. All advice appreciated and if you've made it this far then thank you for reading.