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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be done with childcare?

27 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/08/2025 05:31

So DGS has been screaming since before midnight.

He's still going.

My ears are agony with the volume.

My legs and probably my face black and blue from kicking.

I haven't slept particularly well for a couple of weeks - probably since his sister went into hospital - this is the 15th night she's been in and she's in for another 10.

I visit her on the train everyday, often doing the later half of the day so I'm home around 9.30pm - because I've had my other daughter's children while she's at work.

My daughter was given tickets for cold play at Christmas and it's coincided with hospital. So SIL is at hospital with older granddaughter.

There's no wonder DGS always has a sore throat - his throat must be raw.

He's been talking/shouting/whining in his sleep since he fell asleep. Which was about 7.30.

He sleeps with a parent because this happens every night. HV and GP aware - but have done nothing.

The other parent sleeps on the sofa, which is a treat.

I've had more than 5 hours of solid roaring, each one ending in a crescendo of a high pitched scream which would shatter safety glass.

I'm sat on the floor crying - long past placating.

When they say leave to cry they'll stop - he really hasn't. He's been on the verge vomiting/choking several times. He spits out calpol and any other medication.

He's been like this a year.

I can't face tomorrow. My daughter will go straight to the hospital from London and then SIL will come back - 6-7pm tomorrow.

I picked him up with his twin sister at 6am Friday morning.

I'm going round the twist.

No wonder his behaviour is challenging all day long.

Always thought they were exaggerating when they say they had no sleep.

And now his twin sister is up and about and I don't want to start the day - I'm shattered. If I leave this room he will follow and he's had max 4 hrs sleep.

I have my other three grandchildren for a sleepover whenever they want (usually Fridays). Not a problem.

Hopefully, I can refuse next time? But this would really hurt my daughter. Hopefully, it won't happen again?

He's still going strong.

This sounds pathetic but I want to go home.

SIL's family are always too busy to share childminding. He finds this embarrassing and has distanced himself from his parents this last year. So it mainly falls to me. And I never say no - they won't know how many things I've cancelled last minute to be accommodating.

And he's still going. I have tried everything.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 23/08/2025 05:39

How old is the child? If he disabled/,SEN? Does he need to sleep with a parent to stay calm? If that's the case you should say no in the future since he needs a parent to sleep.

banananas1999 · 23/08/2025 05:40

Where is the childs father? One parent should always stay at the hospital and other takes care of the other kids. Use up holidays if need to and work dosent give compassionate leave.

Agix · 23/08/2025 05:41

banananas1999 · 23/08/2025 05:40

Where is the childs father? One parent should always stay at the hospital and other takes care of the other kids. Use up holidays if need to and work dosent give compassionate leave.

The father is at the hospital. The mother is at a concert.

onlyliquoranointsyou · 23/08/2025 06:00

Yeah I do think you would be unreasonable to refuse ever doing this in future. Your daughter and son in laws lives sound incredibly hard and the odd night of childcare from you could make the world of difference

LGBirmingham · 23/08/2025 06:01

This sounds really hard! How old are the twins? Is the gs always like this or is he unsettled because he's not with his parents? Has he had a nap that he shouldn't have which may have caused a split night?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to refuse to have your other set of grandchildren for a sleepover for a while whilst you recover from this. Your other daughter ought to understand.

ThereMustBeReason · 23/08/2025 06:01

Omg sounds awful you poor things. Must just feel like everything is broken. There is no good advice to give here sorry. Maybe talking about things would help with your daughter. And rather sadly remember the words of Churchill: when you are going through hell, keep going.

olympicsrock · 23/08/2025 06:27

Sending a huge hug! This sounds so hard . You always put your daughters and grandchildren first .
Ear defenders ?
Cup of tea?
Head downstairs ans let the tv babysit while you dose. Where is grand-dad?

This too will get pass and you’ll be saying yes in a jiffy to more babysitting xxxxx

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 06:30

This is clearly intolerable. Video the behaviour at night and make clear if he is awake or asleep and go to GP/sleep therapist - if the parents are busy with other child (hope all ok) then could you or another aunt/uncle/GP focus your energies on that?

Sounds like you’ll have to be clear that until this is addressed or the parents can give clear instructions for how he and you could have a restful evening that overnight is off the cards.

And in all this you need to carve out time for yourself too. Know this is a challenging and hopefully unusual time but you need your rest and relaxation time too.

TheSandgroper · 23/08/2025 06:43

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you have had years of this. I have followed your other threads. The demands from your family have been relentless.

Is there any way you can go away for a week at least to have gentle walks, good food someone else has prepared and sleep? I know you find it terribly hard to say no to any of the family so will this provide you with the impetus and the strength to do so?

My only other suggestion is to put an anti histamine that makes you drowsy into an icy pole and give it to DGS after dinner.

MynameisJune · 23/08/2025 06:48

At this point I’d buy melatonin gummies from biovea and try those with him.

Does he have diagnosed SEN?

ComfortFoodCafe · 23/08/2025 06:49

I would tell both daughters once your granddaughter is out of hostipal you wont be doing any childcare you need a break. Why is the mum at a concert when her child is in hostipal? Seriously thats not her priority surely?

babyproblems · 23/08/2025 06:52

May help or not but when my son wouldn’t keep down calpol, they gave a suppository.. is he actually ill? I can’t tell from your post.
I think having a child in hospital is a reasonable reason to miss a Coldplay concert personally.

The child sounds like he needs help as this is not a normal behaviour… why is he crying/screaming do you think?
It’s lovely of you to go to the hospital but you don’t need to go every day. Keep some of you for yourself before you go bang…

dogsarethebestalways · 23/08/2025 07:35

If my child was in this much distress, I would come home from whatever concert. Call the mother home. Her son clearly needs a parent.

You're not at all unreasonable to not do this again until the issues are sorted.

violetcuriosity · 23/08/2025 08:24

You are not unreasonable at all but it sounds like the whole family is at breaking point. PPs commenting about the Mum going to see Coldplay clearly have no idea what it’s like being in a hospital all day everyday for weeks on end and from the sounds of it going home isn’t a break either. I liked the Churchill quote further up the thread. They are lucky to have you but equally this is what family’s do when the going gets tough, keep chipping away but do let them know you’re struggling x

dogsarethebestalways · 23/08/2025 08:26

violetcuriosity · 23/08/2025 08:24

You are not unreasonable at all but it sounds like the whole family is at breaking point. PPs commenting about the Mum going to see Coldplay clearly have no idea what it’s like being in a hospital all day everyday for weeks on end and from the sounds of it going home isn’t a break either. I liked the Churchill quote further up the thread. They are lucky to have you but equally this is what family’s do when the going gets tough, keep chipping away but do let them know you’re struggling x

Yes, I actually do know what it's like to be in hospital with a very sick child for months and months on end.

I still say that the mother should come home from the concert given the level of distress her child is in. Even at my most tired, I would have wanted to come back myself.

PumpkinPie2016 · 23/08/2025 08:30

This sounds really tough and I'm not surprised you're exhausted and at the end of your tether!

I think you need to speak to your daughter and son-in-law and tell them you cannot have your grandson tonight. He is clearly distressed and son-in-law needs to have him at home.

It sounds as though he is the same at home though?

As they have another child in hospital, can you have your granddaughter- it sounds like she does sleep OK? How old are the twins?

I don't have much useful advice but once their other child is out of hospital, they need to go back to the GP. Get them to film him if needs be. Some children do wake etc at night but this sounds extreme and they must be really struggling.

Goldbar · 23/08/2025 08:41

Firstly, I would prioritise childcare for your daughter and SIL who have the non-sleeper and the child in hospital. They sound like they need it more. I'd tell your other daughter you can't do childcare for her right now.

Second, when the mum is back from the concert, I'd say no more overnight childcare but you'll do some during the day so they can catch up on sleep. One parent needs to be at the hospital with the child in hospital, one parent home with the other children.

I'm not sure about the mother going to the concert - personally I would have come home, but if this is her life she may be barely holding it together.

Are the family asking for and getting all the help that is available (which may not be much)?

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 23/08/2025 09:02

Why on Earth is the feckless mother at a concert while one child is in hospital and the other is causing merry hell at her mother's house?

Laila35 · 23/08/2025 09:02

Goldbar · 23/08/2025 08:41

Firstly, I would prioritise childcare for your daughter and SIL who have the non-sleeper and the child in hospital. They sound like they need it more. I'd tell your other daughter you can't do childcare for her right now.

Second, when the mum is back from the concert, I'd say no more overnight childcare but you'll do some during the day so they can catch up on sleep. One parent needs to be at the hospital with the child in hospital, one parent home with the other children.

I'm not sure about the mother going to the concert - personally I would have come home, but if this is her life she may be barely holding it together.

Are the family asking for and getting all the help that is available (which may not be much)?

This!

CarefulN0w · 23/08/2025 09:27

Oh goodness that sounds incredibly tough. And it’s clearly a hard situation for everyone involved. In a put-your-own-life-jacket-on-first scenario, my immediate advice would be to do whatever you can today to recover your own lost sleep before making any decisions.
For sure there needs to be discussions about how the families’ needs are managed with recognition of how broken you all are, but it’s always harder to discuss calmly when you are exhausted.

NHS/Social care support is unlikely to rescue you to be honest, but it is worth pushing for everything you possibly can. Sometimes there are charities connected to children in hospitals that can signpost to support and there may also be organisations for the conditions the children have that can provide advice.

There will be financial costs unfortunately, but the children’s health and your sanity take priority over concert tickets.

You haven’t answered whether the non-sleeping child has an ND diagnosis, but if not, I would recommend pursuing one, with a credible private provider if necessary. If the child is too young for formal diagnosis, you may be able to find a provider that offers sleep clinics or sensory sessions and I would encourage you to look at these. Advice from autism and adhd organisations could also be useful.

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 09:56

That sounds really tough. If I knew that my DD had to deal with that every night I would want to help out. To be dealing with that and another child in hospital must be so difficult on your DD and SIL.

Octavia64 · 23/08/2025 10:10

How old?

does he do this every night?

GP might be aware but ime they do fuck all unless pushed.

if very young, has cmpa and lactose intolerance been looked at?

uf slightly older, teething or other pain?

can he use words at all during the day? Is he in pain during the day?

Owl55 · 23/08/2025 10:26

Could you stay at grandsons house with him so he has the security of his own bed , he must be terrified with his mum /dad at hospital so often/sibling ill and he may be anxious about her too ?
Could he go to bed later if he’s not sleeping?
How old is he, it does sound as if he has additional needs could this be investigated when things settle down again ?
You sound exausted yourself and maybe need to take a break when you can , I’ve been there trying to help family when things are at crisis point as you worry about your own adult children and the stress they are under .

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/08/2025 13:36

My daughter is not feckless - she didn't want to go. After 15 nights non stop at the side of a hospital bed and facing many more, she deserved to use this Christmas present. The surgery had been cancelled a few times - so it clashed. She did not plan to go while her child was in hospital.

Twins are 4 in September.

We know he will get a diagnosis - when professionals get around to taking this seriously.

I'd have been more comfortable with him in his room but apparently he needs to fall asleep on top of someone which he did. You can't move him after that - he'll wake. His parents can't alternate this at the moment.

I have excellent relationships with all my grandchildren who I see every day.

It's extra hard when a parent has to cope many nights without/with disturbed sleep.

He's up and down all night screaming usually, managing chunks of sleep. But because of me he did not resettle.

He was referred for S&L at his two year assessment - the HV said to keep an eye on other signs. He hurts himself, tiptoe walks, repeats every word said to him over and over. Typical ASD which is what we expect as diagnosis.

It probably wasn't fair on either of us - I'd perhaps have to sleep during the day if it's going to happen again and treat it like a night shift.

My headache is like a vice - feels like my brain has been shaken.

These circumstances may never occur again.

Just highlights how little help and how some issues aren't being taken seriously by health services. I have known younger children diagnosed.

OP posts:
banananas1999 · 23/08/2025 21:25

Agix · 23/08/2025 05:41

The father is at the hospital. The mother is at a concert.

Show quote history

How can she be at a concert when one of her children is unwell and other needs a parent at home. Messed up priorities.

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