Does anyone have autistic parents?

[EnchantedQuill]

My mum is autistic (diagnosed) and struggles with social interactions, she struggles to talk to me about anything big or scary or deep.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, hear me out. I am an extrovert and my special skill is getting people I’ve never spoken to, to being my friend. I always create conversation and it’s easy for me. So if I’m with my mum I will create ways in to conversation with other people. however I will also subconsciously protect her from being overwhelmed.

My Dad died when I was 11, and since then she’s been mum and dad, I’ve always been very extroverted and my dad was the same, he facilitated conversations where mum was part of it but not expected to Chat? I’ve also filled his role of making sure she’s supported and ok in social situations

My husband is an introvert through and through but he will talk to my mum, whereas my mum will be happy to say nothing all day but if she’s been doing Lego or watching NCIS she has had a great day.

My question is; is it bad that I really really enjoy talking to my mother & father in law and I feel so much closer to my mil (who is amazing and helpful and not judgemental) rather than my talking to my mum? She thinks we have a great relationship but I couldn’t tell her that I had cancer until I needed to because I was staying in hospital and had no choice because she asked how the operation went?

my MIL is honestly the mum I never had. She’s so kind, caring and lovely. Am I a really horrible daughter if I only talk to my mum up to what her capacity is? I love her so much but she can’t really do practical care and she absolutely can’t do emotional support, I love her a lot but I know her limits, so aibu to just keep her at arms length because that’s what she can cope with ? It’s not what I want but it’s what she can deal with.

I look like my dad’s clone but female and they were married 20+ years when he died so I’m a reminder of what she doesn’t have anymore. So I Get it.

aibu to prefer spending time with my mother in law but also accept that my mum is happy with my relationship with her where it feels all surface level?

It’s perfectly normal to feel closer to someone it is easier to interact with. You’ve been parentified by your mum and essentially act as her emotional carer which is very hard.

It makes perfect sense. Have you ever been assessed for ND yourself? I've been told by an expert that autistic mother often means autistic daughter.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, it sounds like you’re being really considerate of your mum’s needs and limits but that it’s taking a toll on you. It’s very hard to balance the care and consideration of others with making sure you’re okay. I’m autistic, my mom’s never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure she is too.

It sounds very tough, especially when she’s compared to your MIL, I think maybe because we all have this ideal image of what our mums should be when really they’re individual people and personalities that just also happen to be our mums. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I don’t have anything useful to add. Sometimes it’s a case of accepting people are all different and knowing that you can’t change them. Don’t feel bad about having a different relationship with your MIL, it doesn’t mean you love your mum less.

YANBU

I'm in a somewhat similar boat, except I don't have a MIL and I wouldn't describe myself as an extrovert.

DM has not been diagnosed but I have. I am autistic and gave ADHD and thanks to my diagnoses am very self aware. DM is almost certainly autistic and very probably has ADHD. She is a good person to have an intellectual discussion with but an absolutely hopeless person to discuss worries and feelings with. After a few seconds of this latter type of discussion she'll say "there's nothing I can do about it" which is literally true but she is missing tbe point that it is helpful and comforting to talk through problems with someone else - partly to get it off your chest and partly because saying things out loud and another person asking questions can lead to an idea for a solution. Ironically, DM often tells me I can talk to her about anything because she is a good listener. Wrong! She is terrible listener! She actually makes me feel frustrated if I ever try discussing anything because she trots out tbe "nothing I can do" line and then will change the subject to something utterly trivial, like how she got all the washing dry on tbe line.

DM hates noise and too many people. She doesn't have many friends. She often upsets people by blurting out whatever is in her head without using any filters.

She is very interested in science and politics.

She is very kind - always baking cakes for others and goes to a lot of effort with meals. She drinks gallons of very strong coffee in the mornings (her stimulant).

It's lovely that you have such a close relationship with your parents in law. You clearly have found people who can offer something that your own mum can't give you so naturally you will enjoy spending time with them.

I'm writing as the daughter of an autistic dad (he was never diagnosed but knowing what I know now, it's blindingly obvious) and as a mum who was diagnosed with autism when my daughter was a teenager.

All mums are different and all autistic people are different so I can only speak from personal experience. What's true for me might not be true for your mum; on the other hand there might be things that ring true to you.

Like your mum, I'm pretty introverted. I could happily spend days pottering around and not talking to anybody. I would much rather have a conversation over WhatsApp then a phone call.

I don't miss people. That sounds awful but it's apparently fairly common. One of the things that made me question myself is discussing a documentary about autism with a colleague. She thought it was strange that an autistic couple said that they didn't miss each other when they were apart but to me that seemed perfectly normal.

My partner has to prompt me to ring people or pop round and see people because he knows that otherwise I won't think to do it and/or will put it off.

If somebody tells me something directly eg about a difficult time they're going through, then I can be very empathetic. But if I hear about it 3rd hand (eg when my mum told me about stuff my sister was going through or when people tell me about a 3rd person being very ill) then I'm detached and it takes a conscious effort to feel any emotion. I cry easily at books and films because I become immersed in that world and close to the characters and yet I have been in situations where everybody around me has been incredibly upset and emotional and I have felt literally nothing.

Despite all of this, I have a close relationship with my daughter who is in her early 20s. We were chatting on the phone a couple of days ago about how she finds her girlfriend's family difficult because they don't seem to care about her girlfriend. She contrasted that with me and her dad.

My daughter knows that she can call me up at any time of day or night, whether it's to tell me something that she's excited about or something that she's upset about and (as long as I'm not at work), I'll always answer. I've had teary middle of the night conversations with her.

It's very sad that you felt you couldn't tell your mum that you had cancer until it was essential. It might be that your mum genuinely can't give you physical or emotional support (in which case, thank goodness you have your MIL).

Or it might be that your mum is more like me and won't realise that you need support but would love to offer you support if asked.

For example, I can recognise children's emotions as they are so obvious but often don't pick on adult's emotions as they can be too subtle. Similarly, language processing problems and social and communication difficulties mean that I love a direct statement or request but a hint will go straight over my head.

She raised you solo from 11 in what may have been tough emotional or practical circumstances. The impact of that on her (then and now) needs to be acknowledged.

Yes it’s ok to have preferences as to relationships, but it’s also ok to be happy with a simple life / retirement autistic or not.

I'm following as I feel my long term DH is autistic.
No physical contact can't do discussions and he doesn't call or contact the dcs who left home.
I'm ADHD the hyper active impulsive type awaiting ASD assessment.
I can chat to anyone get things done and I feel like I'm prompting DH.
It's quite nice you are close to your Mil.
My DD lives so far away.She is close to her mil as she lives hundreds of miles away.
Maybe she finds it easier too.

I have an autistic father who is what would have been called high functioning. Had a successful career in a high flying profession etc. He is very social and loves socialising (albeit he is oblivious to social norms!)

I had a tough time with him as a teenager because I didnt understand him and he didnt understand us and how we could behave differently to what he expected. But now we are very close.

However I do moderate my interactions with him. For example, my marriage fell apart due to ex husband cheating a lot and my dad loved him like a son. To this day he cannot process what ex did to me and how he cheated and left and its one of his hyper focuses. He will regularly start a loop of "i can't believe he did x and by y" and its really hard because I just want to forget not have it all listed to me!!

So he doesnt know most of what happened because he cant process the small amount he does know.

I also was extremely close to my mother in law and father in law. However a note of warning..

A year after my divorce, a year in which I still saw them regularly and they repeatedly told me I was still the daughter they never had, they cut me off totally, completely out of the blue because ex husband told them they needed to meet his affair partner and they just couldn't cope with having a relationship with me and her as well because that would mean acknowledging their darling son was a massive lying cheat.

It was harder than the divorce losing them.

So no I dont think youre doing anything wrong at all but do protect yourself. I would have sworn they would never cut me off but here we are!

Oh that’s so sad. I’m sorry they did that to you.

I’m jumping on this post to say I hear you and I don’t blame you for your other relationship. My parents are undiagnosed but I would bet my house on them being Autistic. Looking back at my childhood, it was unusual. They lacked empathy & dismissed emotions. They created alot if conflict between me and my siblings. With a 40 year old brain & now with my own children, parenting differently, I can see more clearly what was going on. Thankfully I had two boyfriends during my teens and university years whose mums became like my own. They got me through those years & I owe them alot. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you have a wonderful relationship with your PIL.

Ah thanks you're kind. Its fine ive come to terms with it but I never expected it at all!

aibu to prefer spending time with my mother in law but also accept that my mum is happy with my relationship with her where it feels all surface level?

@EnchantedQuill I’m jumping in just to say that yes, it’s fine to have these differing relationships with your Mum and MIL.

My Dad isn’t autistic but has had lifelong mental health issues. Like you with your Mum, I emotionally support him and I’m very careful about what I share with him as he can’t cope with it.

My FIL is stable and reliable so we have a different relationship -and that’s fine. I’ve realized that it’s best not to compare them as there’s no point really, it won’t change anything.

@EnchantedQuill I read your post with interest as I'm in exactly the same position. My MIL is the mum I never had. I don't feel guilty about it at all. It allows me to appreciate the relationship with my mum for what it is without getting frustrated with her about what she isn't able to provide - as I can find it elsewhere. I think it's empowering. No family is perfect - there will always be things that they can't provide for any number of reasons - and so I think it's a great idea to plug the gaps with additional members of "chosen family". It doesn't mean that you're rejecting your family of origin - you're supplementing them!