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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel this is unfair (reference for new job)?

21 replies

Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 00:12

Long story short, a few weeks ago I made a thread on the same topic.

I talked about my older married boss who'd been very chatty, stared at me like a creep, commented on my clothes/body, and that his wife looked angry with him.... From then on he'd avoided me or been aloof with me when she was around, although he slipped back to being chatty when she wasn't.

Anyway, fast forward and I've now secured a new job, but it's conditional on a reference from this boss. I gave notice as per my contract, and wrote a polite email saying I'd finish up all my work before leaving, and out of courtesy, I also shared details of a useful contact I'd made, who the boss has never met.

Rather than being obliging and helpful, i.e. writing me the (good) reference I deserve for my new company, and thanking me for the helpful information I've shared, the boss is just dragging his heels. He didn't even thank me for the contact info I sent him, which was purely out of courtesy on my part. He was abrupt in his email replies. He did not seem particularly keen or forthcoming in giving me a reference: "Give them my email. Do not share my phone number."

In person, he tried to avoid me by pretending (yes he was definitely pretending) to be on the phone, and failing to speak with me in person (or via a phone call) when it has been necessary.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that I'm being treated unfairly here, when I've done nothing wrong, and I'm about to finally leave this place? Can't he just give me the reference I deserve and leave me to go? I'm also concerned that, because his wife doesn't seem keen on me, she'll maybe put a spanner in the works too....but then I'd guess she'd be glad to see me go (even though I did nothing to invite her DH's attention last year).

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 00:28

Is there another colleague you can ask for a reference instead? Most references nowadays simply confirm your dates of employment and job title. They rarely go into detail.

steff13 · 23/08/2025 00:39

I'm not sure that I understand what he's done wrong. You asked him for a reference, he told you to give the new company his email, presumably so they can contact him for the reference. If he says you were a terrible employee, then you'd have reason to be upset.

It's common for companies to only provide dates of employment, so that's really all I'd expect, anyway.

Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 00:43

steff13 · 23/08/2025 00:39

I'm not sure that I understand what he's done wrong. You asked him for a reference, he told you to give the new company his email, presumably so they can contact him for the reference. If he says you were a terrible employee, then you'd have reason to be upset.

It's common for companies to only provide dates of employment, so that's really all I'd expect, anyway.

He hasn't sent the reference yet and my new company have reached out asking me about it.

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/08/2025 02:50

Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 00:43

He hasn't sent the reference yet and my new company have reached out asking me about it.

Show quote history

I didn't see in your first post that they had already reached out to him.

If the new employer has his contact info, it's between them. You shouldn't be responsible for chasing down the reference.

PollyBell · 23/08/2025 03:07

steff13 · 23/08/2025 00:39

I'm not sure that I understand what he's done wrong. You asked him for a reference, he told you to give the new company his email, presumably so they can contact him for the reference. If he says you were a terrible employee, then you'd have reason to be upset.

It's common for companies to only provide dates of employment, so that's really all I'd expect, anyway.

This is dont see the issue

Velmy · 23/08/2025 03:25

His wife can't put a spanner in the works. They can't say anything that isn't true without leaving themselves open to being sued. That's why - more and more these days - references are very matter of fact. Dates of employment, job title, final salary.

Is there anyone else at the company you could ask for that? HR, an office manager?

If not, I'd speak to your new employer and tell them the truth; he's not happy that you've left and he's not responding to your requests for the reference. It happens!

Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 03:47

When I wanted a reference to apply for uni I did not want my immediate boss to know I was intending to leave so I asked a senior colleague with whom I had a good relationship.

Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 13:33

Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 00:28

Is there another colleague you can ask for a reference instead? Most references nowadays simply confirm your dates of employment and job title. They rarely go into detail.

Unfortunately no. My other colleagues are not senior to me they’re just in different roles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 13:34

Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 00:28

Is there another colleague you can ask for a reference instead? Most references nowadays simply confirm your dates of employment and job title. They rarely go into detail.

Unfortunately no. My other colleagues are not senior to me they’re just in different roles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 13:41

Velmy · 23/08/2025 03:25

His wife can't put a spanner in the works. They can't say anything that isn't true without leaving themselves open to being sued. That's why - more and more these days - references are very matter of fact. Dates of employment, job title, final salary.

Is there anyone else at the company you could ask for that? HR, an office manager?

If not, I'd speak to your new employer and tell them the truth; he's not happy that you've left and he's not responding to your requests for the reference. It happens!

That’s true, he can’t lie in the reference, but he would be misleading (ie not as positive as I deserve, although my work should speak for itself if I show this to my new employer).

As his wife almost certainly doesn’t like me, I would hope that she’d be glad to see me go and therefore encourage a glowing reference to help me on my way 😂. But she doesn’t even deal with tasks like that anyway.

It’s not just the reference either, it’s how this man has treated me compared to the others this past six months or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 13:49

steff13 · 23/08/2025 02:50

I didn't see in your first post that they had already reached out to him.

If the new employer has his contact info, it's between them. You shouldn't be responsible for chasing down the reference.

Show quote history

I’m not responsible for chasing it no, but the new company have emailed me saying they’re still waiting and have heard nothing from my current boss🙄They suggested that I politely remind him perhaps. I haven’t and feel slightly worried to do so.

The thing is, he doesn’t even want me around at the company anymore, judging by how abrupt he’s been the past six months or so. Now he’s dragging his heels with a basic task for me. He’s a strange man.

OP posts:
MagneticSquirrel · 23/08/2025 14:00

It’s fairly normal to have to politely remind people about references, its
not most urgent thing to do especially for people that are busy. Normally it gets handed over to HR to complete because it’s just job title and dates.

I think you are overthinking this a bit, yes he is unhappy you are leaving and could have been more pleasant the last couple of months but that shouldn’t stop you following up on reasonable requests!

Original poster
Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 18:46

MagneticSquirrel · 23/08/2025 14:00

It’s fairly normal to have to politely remind people about references, its
not most urgent thing to do especially for people that are busy. Normally it gets handed over to HR to complete because it’s just job title and dates.

I think you are overthinking this a bit, yes he is unhappy you are leaving and could have been more pleasant the last couple of months but that shouldn’t stop you following up on reasonable requests!

Yes I get that, but he isn’t super busy at the moment (August is a quiet month), and I told him six weeks ago…. It also wouldn’t take him that long to do, 5 minutes.

It would be a proper reference, not the basic date and job title one, but it still wouldn’t take him long.

To be honest I just believe he’s being awkward. He spent 20 minutes on the phone to another colleague about the particular brand of hiking boots he buys (yes he’s odd!).

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 23/08/2025 19:05

I would give him a polite reminder and say your new employer is chasing up. As a back up could you give a reference from a previous role? You could tell your new company you're sorry he hasn't replied, if they would like to they could contact your previous line manager and give details. I think employers know that some can be difficult so they'll probably go for that.

SanityLeftTheChat · 23/08/2025 20:47

Can you not just give your new employer the email address for the HR department at your old place? In most companies it's HR who would do references and they tend to only be basic information to confirm your employment there etc. Lots of companies refuse to do anything outside of this so that they aren't in that grey area of giving anything other than absolute fact.

Original poster
Marianna95 · 25/08/2025 13:30

@InSpainTheRain This is my first professional long term job after uni - I did two Masters (different things) and was a student most of my 20s. So unfortunately I am kind of reliant on this boss. 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Marianna95 · 25/08/2025 13:31

@InSpainTheRain This is my first professional long term job after uni - I did two Masters (different things) and was a student most of my 20s. So unfortunately I am kind of reliant on this boss. 😫

OP posts:
PicaK · 25/08/2025 14:06

Email your boss - cc in new company.
A breezy Hi Boss Just to remind you about ref-don't think form is too onerous just to confirm I (full name) worked here from x date to y date as full job title and that you had no concerns about my performance (or whatever they are asking for)
Your objective here is to get the reference - let your irritation and sense of unfairness go.

IcedPurple · 25/08/2025 14:08

Marianna95 · 23/08/2025 13:34

Unfortunately no. My other colleagues are not senior to me they’re just in different roles.

Show quote history

Could you ask someone in the HR dept to write your reference? As others have said, these days references usually consist of simply confirming your job title and the dates worked. HR would be in the best position to do that.

Original poster
Marianna95 · 25/08/2025 15:42

IcedPurple · 25/08/2025 14:08

Could you ask someone in the HR dept to write your reference? As others have said, these days references usually consist of simply confirming your job title and the dates worked. HR would be in the best position to do that.

Show quote history

Unfortunately we don’t have an internal HR department - it’s a small business and there’s an external HR guy who I barely know.

My new company want a proper reference…😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Marianna95 · 25/08/2025 15:42

IcedPurple · 25/08/2025 14:08

Could you ask someone in the HR dept to write your reference? As others have said, these days references usually consist of simply confirming your job title and the dates worked. HR would be in the best position to do that.

Show quote history

Unfortunately we don’t have an internal HR department - it’s a small business and there’s an external HR guy who I barely know.

My new company want a proper reference…😔

OP posts:
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