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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move or not to move

17 replies

cpeters2025 · 22/08/2025 21:42

We are a family of 5 (dds age 9,6,3). Dh & I have been together for nearly 15 years & over those years have always lived in his home city, on the other side of the country to my home town. I sort of fell into living here for work & never intended to stay forever. Deep down I really miss living in my home town. I miss being in the countryside & being able to pop to see my family. We go back every few months but it’s never for very long. As the years have gone by, more and more things about where we live annoy me. The city has a high crime rate, decent school choices are limited. I miss open spaces and things like going for nice country walks and being able to take my kids for a bike ride without the fear of the traffic. It’s a feeling I hoped would go away but it never has and I bury it down. Recently a few different friends have said they’re relocating to the country and I’m happy for them but ultimately jealous. My children are happy here & so is my husband but I’m not. I would go in a heartbeat. What do I do? I’m 40 now and if we wait til the kids have left school, I’ll be mid 50s. I often think what if I don’t have my health then?! Big decision to make. I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Thanks

OP posts:
Diversion · 22/08/2025 21:59

I am older than you, late 50's. Our children our now adults, mortgage paid off, and the house is now how we wanted it to be, but parents were/are elderly. We planned to relocate and downsize this year but PIL who were already in a care home became very unwell and died very closely together, so plans to relocate this year have been put aside. We now just have my Dad who is in his late 80s and currently in good health left. We also have grandchildren who we would miss dearly. Our lovely quiet village is now much busier with way too much on street parking , new houses being built in every available spot and lots of the old village traditions being lost. We want to retire sooner rather than later and next year is the last year we feel we can move. We would need to live a very frugal life in the countryside in an area we know and love, but cannot downsize to hae extra money. I do not think that there is every a good time so if you can agree to move now, I would.

EwwSprouts · 22/08/2025 22:05

If you can get jobs then I would go now because once the eldest starts secondary school it's too much disruption. Where is DH's family?

Original poster
cpeters2025 · 23/08/2025 07:01

Thanks for your replies. We work for ourselves so could easily find work there. I should add that we moved house a couple of years ago within our current local area so, although we could do it, we would take a financial hit moving again. My DH has family here but tbh we hardly see them unless it’s a special occasion or the odd babysit & these are usually booked well in advance. As I’m writing this I know what I want to do but it’s the upheaval of the children mainly. Explaining to them that we are leaving & why, when I suspect they would not want to go, would be hard. I do truly think they would have a better, safer, healthier life there.

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LlynTegid · 23/08/2025 07:11

I think it is a now or waiting until children have left school decision. The only thing I suggest is doing your research thoroughly to ensure you are not viewing your home town with rose tinted spectacles. Going back does not always work.

Original poster
cpeters2025 · 23/08/2025 08:07

LlynTegid · 23/08/2025 07:11

I think it is a now or waiting until children have left school decision. The only thing I suggest is doing your research thoroughly to ensure you are not viewing your home town with rose tinted spectacles. Going back does not always work.

Yes, definitely. We are going to use our holidays to stay there and spend time there and book into school open days. Most of my old friends have moved away & we’re not expecting family to suddenly be there for us. For me it’s thinking about my girls being teenagers where we currently are.

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Mauro711 · 23/08/2025 08:29

Do they enjoy going there? Do they have friends there? Can you spend more time there than you are now so that they can at least start to build a bond with the place you are from?

It sounds quite idyllic from a child's perspective, but perhaps a bit boring from a pre-teen/teens perspective.

Original poster
cpeters2025 · 23/08/2025 08:33

Mauro711 · 23/08/2025 08:29

Do they enjoy going there? Do they have friends there? Can you spend more time there than you are now so that they can at least start to build a bond with the place you are from?

It sounds quite idyllic from a child's perspective, but perhaps a bit boring from a pre-teen/teens perspective.

They do love going there. We have thought about the teen years and as long as we are not too far from a station, there’s a big town with plenty to do close by. It really is the best of both worlds IMO. I feel like it will be like ripping a plaster off making this move!

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/08/2025 08:42

Move now. I live in a small
market town not far from a city. Absolutely perfect for teens.

Mauro711 · 23/08/2025 08:42

OK, that sounds a very sensible move to me. Since you said you are going to open days, does that mean that your DH is willing to move? I think in an ideal world you'd move before your oldest starts Y6, are they about to start Y5 now? Your oldest will definitely be the one who needs the most consideration with this move I think. The other two will adjust really quickly.

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 08:49

Sounds like you’re taking a very sensible approach towards taking a look at the alternatives together with DH. It’s worth doing the reccy and thinking about the what ifs - public transport, amenities, decent pubs, etc. Sadly my hometown gets more rundown each time we visit so my nostalgic pull simply does not wash with DH at all!
You’re also being sensible that this is either done within the next 2 years, or after 15 years. I think you need to be clear to DH that you’ve felt this way for a while and the feelings aren’t going away. Good luck!

Original poster
cpeters2025 · 23/08/2025 08:52

jeaux90 · 23/08/2025 08:42

Move now. I live in a small
market town not far from a city. Absolutely perfect for teens.

I needed to hear a positive story, thanks for this

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Original poster
cpeters2025 · 23/08/2025 08:57

Mauro711 · 23/08/2025 08:42

OK, that sounds a very sensible move to me. Since you said you are going to open days, does that mean that your DH is willing to move? I think in an ideal world you'd move before your oldest starts Y6, are they about to start Y5 now? Your oldest will definitely be the one who needs the most consideration with this move I think. The other two will adjust really quickly.

Maybe I’ve worn him down 🫣 Over the years we have chatted about it but he has always felt it couldn’t work. But now he now agrees with me about the local area & acknowledges my feelings aren’t going away. Especially because the local highstreet is plain awful. I cannot imagine my children hanging out there in their teen years. He changed jobs recently to a flexible hours, more WFH role which has helped him see it could work.

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Mintearo7 · 23/08/2025 09:03

We are planning a similar move with similar aged kids. More than anything, I want outdoor activities to be more accessible to them as they are growing and for them to be able to de-stress with exercise outdoors rather than screens. As long as there are easy transport links it should be fine if they want to go to town etc. I’ve seen a few people move to their ideal location after kids have finished school and the kids have asked why they didn’t move when they were younger.

DashboardConfession · 23/08/2025 09:06

jeaux90 · 23/08/2025 08:42

Move now. I live in a small
market town not far from a city. Absolutely perfect for teens.

Agree. I live in a market town near Bristol and Bath. Countryside everywhere but only 20 minutes on the train for them to get into a city for shopping/part time jobs/night out.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/08/2025 09:22

I would move asap, before the eldest starts secondary school.

jeaux90 · 24/08/2025 08:35

DashboardConfession · 23/08/2025 09:06

Agree. I live in a market town near Bristol and Bath. Countryside everywhere but only 20 minutes on the train for them to get into a city for shopping/part time jobs/night out.

Edited
Show quote history

Yep similar. Just outside Oxford. Bus is 20 mins into the city. Surrounded by countryside here and a beautiful Market town, access to decent schools etc it’s perfect.

Original poster
cpeters2025 · 24/08/2025 09:19

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments. It’s been great to hear positive stories. We’re off this week to explore the area…

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