To ask how often you see your friends in your thirties? I feel low

[Thaa]

I always really prioritised my friendships. Whilst I am quite happy in my own company and don’t like loads of social plans, I do enjoy one to one catch ups and seeing friends for a walk or a lunch. I used to do this loads in my twenties, weekends would be filled with seeing various friends and we would be really part of one another’s lives.

I am now 39 and have a toddler. I’m lucky I have a DP who fully supports me seeing friends and will happily take DD out for the day at a weekend for me to do this.

In the last year or so I’ve noticed I rarely see close friends anymore. I know everyone is busy. Some of my friends have kids or are in relationships and busy jobs. It’s not like being in your twenties. For example one friend I haven’t seen since Christmas, another since March. I speak to my best friend most days on WhatsApp but due to distance we can’t meet much. I meet my toddler’s friends’ mums quite a bit but it’s not the same sort of friendship.

I know I could make more friends but it is hard when you have a busy life. It’s hard to make that investment.

I wonder if others are the same? Is this usual?

I've felt much the same lately. One friend I've seen once since December. One I've seen twice this year. Another we've grabbed a quick coffee twice. Everyone's so busy with this that or another. Then I scroll Instagram and other women my age are having girls nights out every month or going as a group to softplays and stuff with the kids and I wonder what I'm doing wrong. So you're not alone with feeling this way. I think it's just a stage everyone goes through when there's a lot of having kids, career building, house moves and all the other big life stuff going on around the same time in people's lives. It won't (I really hope) be this way forever!

Hardly ever when I was in my 30s. It's just what happens to some of us when either we, or they, are balancing multiple priorities. The good news is, in my 50s, with my children grown and more time, I see them loads. The important thing I think, is to keep the door open. So if a formally close friendship has reduced to a message at Christmas, keep the faith and keep the connection. Don't let hurt feelings or the idea you should matter more push you to end the friendship altogether. Friendships are a long game and wax and wane with life stage and circumstances. Your good friends will probably return to you.

You have sympathies! Everyone does seem busier as you hit your thirties and especially if you have kids. When my kids were young I would meet up with friends with babies at baby groups or for a walk with a cafe stop etc. I would have to arrange to meet mates from university or that I went to school with that had moved away, by planning days months ahead and hope no one would cancel! (Which happens so often with toddler germs!) When my eldest went to school I made a few really good school mum friends who live very local to us and are brilliant. We meet up for a night out every month and a few of us go running after school drop off. It’s hard to fit around work as well but I walk with a colleague in our lunch break as well so that feels like I am socialising. I hope it gets better for you x

I relate OP, I’m a similar age and life stage to you with young DC and a supportive partner who would hopefully look after them for me to go out. In my case most of my friends don’t live local which means no spontaneous meet ups, everything has to be planned in advance. Like you I was super social in my twenties, I lived with friends and travelled with them, I had some of my best experiences with them. I do miss that part of my life sometimes!

I don’t think friendships are valued as much in society as they ought to be. I also think that being in your thirties is a particularly tricky time for friendships; pregnancies, being in the trenches with young children, infertility, being at vastly different life stages, etc. I’m hoping things will improve in the next decade! There will also be more opportunities to make friends when the children start school.

It helps to find friends who prioritise friendships in the same way you do.

It's hard to make the time to meet up with work and a young family. I only meet up with mine once every few months but we keep in touch with messaging and phone calls, silly memes and photos. It's important to keep the connection and not let friendships drift to much!

Hardly at all in my 30s. Now I'm in my 40s twice a week - one evening and lunch at the weekend. You get your life back when the kids are older. Hang on.

My bf lives on my same road and we take our digs for a walk at least twice a week (lunchtime when we’re working from home). We also go to each others with the family for bbq/ drinks about once a month.
other friends I see probably once every 2-3 months for a night out or a weekend trip away.

The people i maintained friendships with throughout my 30s were the ones where we had very specific plans. I have a gang from college and we get together the same weekend every year, pre booked a year in advance. Kids and partners too, we rent a number of holiday homes. Everyone misses the odd year but it's set in stone. For many years this was the only time we saw each other. One couple from this group throw a big day time party over Christmas, kids included. This would involve several hours travel for some so they might do it in a 3 year rotation. One of the nicest outcomes of this has been the next generation friendships, some of the teens now get the train for sleepovers together despite growing up in different cities.

I have another social group from my city and we have a Summer day in July or August where we meet in the afternoon, usually day drinking and stay out as long as we please, we often end up dancing. We all live a taxi ride away.

I also have a school/ home town group of 4 and we meet for Christmas usually in November. We all have to drive and meet at a central point.

Many random friends dropped away. There were a few that just became so absorbed in their children that they didn't care. My youngest is 12 now and I feel the world has opened up again and I am so glad I made the effort even when I often didn't feel I had the energy.

Every week, sometimes a few times a week, but we're all childfree so it's easier i guess! We're always at events and going out for food. We're in our 30's and 40's

@RedPony1 Yes I think all being child free (assuming by choice) can make things a lot easier. Since having children, lots of my child free friends have drifted away which is a shame.

I see friends fairly regularly. One friend I get get dinner with at least once a month and probably meet up as couples with our DHs once a month too.

another I see probably a similar amount we might go for breakfast/ dinner but also may do a whole day out somewhere just us.

another I haven’t seen for a while but actually have two trips booked with her in September. So will see her more then.

other friends I see less frequently but try and meet for dinner every few months. I also have running friends I see weekly. My sisters are also like my friends and we see each other regularly too. Had 4 days together at a festival this month.

it’s less than when we were really young, but that’s to be expected. I am your age but had kids young, as did most of my friends and now the kids are pretty much off hand and we can do what we like again.

That sounds very normal, sadly. You're not alone.

I rarely see mine. Even before I moved away from where I grew up, once they got in relationships, were engaged/married and having babies, we grew apart.

I now have very few close friends. We tend to keep in touch through WhatsApp, emails or Facebook due to the distance, but I've met up with some of them since I moved away a few years ago.

Take heart op-it gets better! I found my thirties with toddlers a friend wasteland! But we started to pick it back up when kids went to school and got it about five/six and could be left with ohs with no guilt.

I have also realised unless I do the organising, we never meet up. So I organise about two meet ups a year and moan to dp about being the organiser. But if I don’t do it, no one else does. Sigh!

At least you have friends

Varies, depending on the friends.

I'm older than you but agree with what you're saying. I've had one friend who i suggested we meet up for coffee. We live near each other. Firstly she said yes but why not with others who we know as well. Fine.. but she was then so busy. In the end it was 9 months from me first suggesting to the meet up happening.

Another - there will be something arranged and then that will be postponed, and then not rearranged for some time after...

I’m older but yes this was my experience. Mid thirties everyone disappeared! It also got worse after lockdown. I see my closest friends a few times a year and have a few mum friends I see every few weeks usually in the day. I spend most time with my family