AIBU to be fuming at XH

[Sophiablue95]

XH has just dropped it in that he won’t be having dc1 any of next month as he’s going away travelling and to a stag do (normally has him every weekend). No warning just announcing. He also goes back to his home country for 2 months every year and many other holidays.

I know I’m being U as there is fuck all I can do about it but it just irritates me so much. I am a lone parent to my other dc so don’t have a social life anyways. I don’t know why it’s grated me so much as I’m sure my dc and I will have a great time anyways.

I think I’m definitley jealous though which is my problem. Late twenties but I haven’t been on a night out in 7 years. No money for holidays or babysitters. Meanwhile off he flocks when he pleases. He has hobbies and attends the gym regularly. Things I can’t do.

I wouldn’t have minded if he had requested but it’s just the fact he announces he’s off. Over the holidays, he has had dc1 quite often but it’s always on his terms and he barely gives any notice. Dc1 loves going to his dads so I haven’t stopped it. However I’m thinking now that a CAO may be in order. Not sure it will be much good though as he won’t be made to stick to it.

Apologies for the rant!

Have you got the correct amount of cms from both fathers? Have you investigated UC and ensured that you’re getting all the benefits to which you’re entitled? No family support? I get that can’t stop him swanning off to do his thing, but you need to see if you can carve out some time for yourself.

Why haven’t you built up a bit of a social life or hobbies when he has them on the weekend? Definitely something to look into when he does have them again.

Unfortunately that is the downside of being the default parent. It happens in relationships too, it’s easier for the man to just announce ‘doing this’ and the expectation is that the mother is there to just fill in the gaps.

In reality, YANBU to be fuming, but there isn’t much you can do. You can say ‘you need to include DC in some of these trips’ but you can’t force him to either. Poor form really to drop your DC when you have a better offer, but I guess you can’t do much to change it.

Thanks for your reply @Cherrysoup . Dc2 dad pays nothing (moved abroad to a non REMO country). Dc1 dad pays £150.

Family do help for doctors/dentist appointments ect but they all work full time. Dc2 is at an age where he screams if I’m not in his sight and a horrendous sleeper. He wakes up every couple of hours and will only settle with me so evening babysitting is out of the picture 😩

I know it’s a me problem as it’s not XH fault I’m a lone parent to my other dc. I wish he would stick to his weekends and get jealous he’s out living his life when he was horrible to me the entire marriage. Seems so unfair.

I have my younger ds full time (his dad disappeared then moved abroad) so hobbies are out of the question. I do enjoy knitting so have started doing that on an evening! I do have a lot of friends with kids so we normally arrange play dates over the weekends but I miss having some adult only interaction.

However I’m thinking now that a CAO may be in order. Not sure it will be much good though as he won’t be made to stick to it.

A CAO will only dictate when you have to make the children available to him. It won't force him to turn up.

My ex had an order (he went to court for it) for EOW, every Wednesday evening, his birthday, Father's Day, and half the school holidays - saw the children a dozen times in years...

It’s unfair isn’t it but I doubt uncommon. 😫 He had ds1 overnight when my younger son was admitted to hospital with suspected sepsis. Never heard the end of it as it was a weekday and not his responsibility. 🙄

He likes to brag about his social life most likely because he knows I barely have one. I just greyrock him when he does it now.

Unfortunately this does tend to happen, I have a really good coparenting relationship with 2 exes, however they do tend to chance schedules, book things to do etc then drop it on me as a change at short notice.

Its not something I would argue about though.

Maybe try and have as much consistency as you can and ask him when he comes back to have a bit more of a regular routine so you know where you all stand.

You do need to try and carve out a bit of time for yourself though, would some of your friends babysit even if just for a couple of hours so you can go for dinner with other friends maybe once a month or something?

Not a lot you can do about it op.
But do try and build a social group for yourself.

Kids do grow up and your have all your freedom back.

But he’s had them before overnight

so why havent you been out for a night out in 7 years?

Surely one of your friends could babysit for you to go on a night out
or a babysitter once in blue moon?

Is this the ex you posted about being a deadbeat?

OP clearly says she has other children

It will have been my other dc dad. 😅Tbh XH is a good dad in general it just irritates me that he switches plans last minute.

He used to have Dc1 every other weekend but lived 300 miles away so I would travel half way to pick/drop him off. I probably could have went on a night out but I was that tired from the travelling I stayed in. Not his fault I’m a lone parent now I know.

Hopefully my friends or family could babysit once my youngest dc is a little older. He had allergies and is awaiting a consultation due to recurrent tonsillitis which I think is effecting his awful sleeping.

Just another vent, he’s messaged today saying he won’t be paying towards our dc birthday party tomorrow (we agreed we would pay half for venue and bouncy castle each and I would cover other costs ).

I’ve already paid and had a gut feeling he wouldn't cough up but this just irritates me more. He seems to have enough money for his holidays and stay dos. Guess nothing can be done and will have to be a lesson for the future.

Do you trust him when your son is with him? How old is your son? Will he be coming to the party tomorrow?

Ime you will reap your rewards when dc are older and they had a sound and secure relationship with you..
Df will reap what he sows....
Be patient
.

Ds is turning 4. I do trust him and have no safeguarding concerns. Ds loves going to his. He said over the phone he isn’t coming tomorrow. I said for Ds sake he should come. Haven’t heard from him since so no clue if he will.

He was also saying he now wants 50/50 custody so he won’t have to pay maintenence. Not sure how he considers that would work seeing as he disappears back to his home country for 2 months every year and his other numerous holidays!

Thank you! I hope so. He’s a good dad when he’s around but very stingy with money. I just think it’s disgusting he was the one who suggested a party for ds and said he would go halfers. Now he won’t pay anything!

I don’t think he’ll ever change unfortunately.

If your eldest is 3
why have t you had a night out in 7 years?!

Why has he suddenly decided not to come to the party tomorrow?

So both dads are from different countries?

sorry I’m confused!

It was Covid before (I lived abroad in a country where the lockdown rules were really strict). Said country was in ME where nightlife wasn’t very common and I was a cabin crew on overnight flights a lot of the time so going on nights out wasn't really top of my agenda. I looked back yesterday and realised the last time I went out on one was when I was 21! I probably could have but at the time I didn’t really want to. Now I would love a night out.

Yes both dads are foreign haha.

Regarding the party, I had told him it’s unfair to cancel his scheduled contact with ds at his beckon and call and he took the huff and said he wouldn’t be paying for half as we agreed. Then rang up and said he isn’t attending.

How long ago did you break up?

3 1/2 years ago.