To say that I never use a hug to benefit me?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

I feel like some people use hugs as a way to get comfort or reassurance for themselves but I don’t see it that way. I think a hug should be about showing care or support for the other person, not about what you get out of it. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Yeah I'm not a hugger for me and do it to give comfort. I'm aware that's absolutely due to a lack of affection in my childhood though and never having been comforted.

But what if the other person wants to show care and support for you?

It can be either. A hug should and can be/mean anything you want or need it to be. You’re being oddly prescriptive.

I do appreciate it when someone offers a hug to comfort me. I just mean that I never initiate a hug for my own comfort. If I’m hugging someone, it’s because I think they need support, not because I want to be soothed.

I’ve just noticed that some people seem to reach for hugs as a kind of emotional top-up, which feels a bit different, almost like they’re subconsciously seeking regulation from the other person. Nothing wrong with that necessarily but I think it’s important to be aware of the dynamic and not assume everyone experiences hugs the same way.

This is a hell of an overthink.

What’s the problem with the dynamic, though? Someone wants to be hugged for support, you want to hug them for support. It doesn’t sound like there should be a problem there, but you seem slightly to be judging people who do look for hugs for support? Is the point that you don’t really want to be giving them?

I don’t mind offering a hug if it’s genuinely about connection, especially if I care about the person. I think my point is more about noticing a pattern where some people seem to use physical affection as a go-to way of self-soothing, without always considering whether the other person wants to engage in that moment.

So it’s not that I’m against hugs for support but I do notice when the energy feels more one-sided or automatic. I guess I value intention and mutuality, not just using someone as a comfort object, if that makes sense.

It does not, no.

I get what you’re saying. For you, receiving a hug or requesting a hug isn’t a need or feeling you have. However, you understand the importance of a hug to give comfort and regulation to others and so give hugs at these times.
I imagine you receive comfort / regulation from others in different ways, such as talking something through, or by needing company or something else , this is your hug and just as valuable. It isn’t self centred to ask to be comforted by requesting a hug as it is asking anyone to be in their company, it’s just a thing many people do. Connection can look different for different people, that’s all.

I didn't have any love or effection (quite the opposite) as a child and subsequently find any offer of comfort or support hard to take to be honest. Me and my adult daughter have somehow fell into a psychological loop hole.

If she thinks I could do with a hug she will ask if I want one, I will politely decline and then she will say she needs one and she knows I will never say no to that. So she gets to comfort me and I am able to recieve that comfort whilst still feeling like my boundaries were respected. We know it's absolutely mental, we are both fully aware of what's happening, we joke about it sometimes but it's something we both understand because of my past.

Surprisingly we have a very effectionate relationship in every other aspect it's just the offer of support I struggle with.

I think it's different depending on the context and the person isn't it? I give hugs to comfort people, I receive hugs by way of people comforting me. Sometimes it's just a mutual display of love - every time I see my parents I hug them, every time I leave them I hug them and vice versa. There are people I work with in the community and because I know them so well now, they use a hug as a greeting.

There is no single way to give or receive hugs - context and personal preference is everything. But I take hugs really seriously - because I am from the land of the cwtsch which basically translates as a safe space - and when you have a proper cwtsch (which is like an hug to the power of 100) it honestly feels like all of the problems in the world just melt away in that moment. It's so good for your heart.

Fair enough. I think like any form of physical contact really, it’s not unreasonable for somebody else to want it, but you are absolutely not obliged to provide it unless you want to (unless maybe it’s your kids).

I think for me, it’s less about rejecting hugs and more about being intentional with them. I’m probably just more reserved by default, so when I do hug, I want it to really mean something for the other person, not just be a reflex or emotional crutch. But I love how you described the cwtsch, that kind of safe-space feeling is exactly what I want a hug to hold.

I think your initial statement is completely wrong. It's absolutely fine for people to seek comfort with a hug, to offer comfort with a hug, or both simultaneously.

It's also fine for you personally not to get comfort or other positive feelings from hugs. And If you've had formative experiences with people hugging you against your wishes and/or struggle to set boundaries about this that feel good to you I can see where you would resent feeling like people are often being self-centred when trying to hug you.

In all scenarios what's important is that both parties are freely consenting and comfortable. Sarah initiating a hug with Jane because Sarah needs comfort isn't Sarah treating Jane as a comfort animal unless Sarah disregards Jane's wishes in that moment. But the same is true if Sarah is hugging Jane because she thinks Jane needs comfort - it's only caring and ok if Jane actually wants that. Who is taking comfort isn't the issue, it's about who is consenting.

A hug from my Grandchildren is the best feeling in the world.. we just hug each other.

I don't like hugs, they don't comfort me, so if someone hugs me it's all for them, not me.

Nope, no idea what you mean. The person I mostly hug is my DP. We both enjoy the closeness. Sometimes it may be for comfort for one or the other, but mostly it’s about nurturing and maintaining a close physical relationship with one another. Why would I not want to enjoy cuddling my partner just for the sake of it? Why would he not want to enjoy cuddling me? There’s no ulterior motive where we view it as beneficial for one of us but not the other. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I would never go and initiate a hug with a friend, colleague, or other person just because I was upset and wanted comfort. In my experience, a friend may offer a hug if I seem upset, but I wouldn’t go and foist myself on someone. Nor have I ever experienced anyone do this to me or anyone around me. Other than that, maybe a hello or goodbye hug with a friend.

You have a strange view of hugs imo. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want physical contact.

Aren’t hugs just sometimes nice and not about comfort or ‘regulation’? And who are these people hugging you for the ‘wrong reasons’ - family, friends, acquaintances?

Sometimes a hug really is just nice! I’ve just noticed some people using them more in a self-soothing way, like they’re seeking comfort rather than offering it. Which is valid but I guess it’s just not how I tend to relate to hugs. I’m more likely to give one if I feel the other person needs it. So it’s not about ‘wrong reasons’, more just a difference in intention or emotional style.

So you never just hug your dh or kids because you want to, to be affectionate? To have fun? To congratulate them? To wish them happy birthday?
You only do it if you think they need comfort?

I find that really weird.

I love a hug. I don’t love a hug from just anyone though. DH and I are amazing huggers and have one at least once a day, where we just let the world disappear.

There are different types of hugs, to give and receive comfort and affection, to say hello to a person who is special to us, it’s not a one size fits all. I don’t hug everyone but I do hug people I love and I do it freely.

I always hug my MIL. I have no idea why I do, it just developed over the years. Then one day she told me she loves that I hug her. She said they aren’t a hugging family, so she never gets any physical comfort from anyone but me and she appreciates it. She said she was shocked the first time I did it and pulled away, but she was so pleased id persevered. I’m glad I didn’t notice her pulling away as I’d have stopped doing it, lol. Now I notice, she will initiate it with me, but she never hugs anyone else. Actually she hugged my DH the other day, I saw his face light up. He’d had a few difficult days and she recognised his need for a hug from his mum, it was lovely.

I don’t really understand what you’re saying. Absolutely I go up to DH and hug him when I need a hug! He’s my husband!! And he might not realise up until that point that it’s what I need, he’s not a mind reader. DD and I hug a lot, we both love hugs.

As a widow, one thing I definitely miss are the hugs we shared. For my comfort, his comfort, our comfort. Fortunately I have sons/grandchildren so still get hugs. For me, physical connection is very important- I am not sure what 'self soothing ' actually means.
One hug I remember particularly is the hug a nurse gave me when I had been told my husband was dying. She will never know how much it helped.

A quality hug is of mutual benefit. You’re hugging wrong 😆