Okay, first time poster long time lurker.
im 38, been with my husband 22 years, married for 1. Five children together, youngest autistic, myself autism ADHD and bipolar.
he works I don’t.
I feel like I don’t love him anymore. 9 years ago he cheated with a girl from work, left me and got in a relationship with her. Even for her pregnant but she miscarried. I didn’t know about any of this until we reconciled 7 months later. I ended up falling pregnant with our youngest. Who is the light of my life. They all are.
I can’t forget. I have awful dreams and picture everything in my head. He cheated on me with her in the car. So very graphic images.
he does absolutely nothing in the house. Even on his days off and never so much as done a wash load.
we don’t go out really. I even do the shopping online as he hates going food shopping.
he takes youngest to bed, but that’s literally just carrying his drink and blankets.
he goes on lads nights out every couple of months. I don’t go on nights out at all. I take myself for a coffee during the day. But other than that, I’m at home.
he left me in may on the way back off holiday as he said he can’t handle my moods then begged to come back and I agreed.
it was my decision for us to get married we did it in the registry office nothing big. I thought it would help me heal. It hasn’t.
im so scared of leaving. Not because ill be a single mum i know i can do that as I practically do it anyway.
but I’m worried about the backlash, hes horrible with his mouth through anger. Sec life is almost none existent. I even wear a sanitary pad even when im not on so he doesn’t touch me.
i was sexually abused as a child and he knows this that i cant have my hand grabbed and forced to his pants because that’s what the abuser did and he still does it.
im scared of my kids will hate me if i end it. I’m scared of what will be said to me. I’m miserable inside.
we don’t sit and watch tv or anything together.
he goes on holiday tomorrow on his annual lads holiday. He went to bed no good night nothing. Asked why I looked miserable. I said I’m mentally drained. Told me to get kids to bed and go bed.
i just feel like I’m his mate rather than his wife