Struggling with my parents after newborn

[claudiamartins]

Hi there,

I live in a different country from my parents. I had a baby very recently. Since I told my parents I was pregnant, they suddenly wanted to have video calls with me twice a week. The same after she was born. I know that this is the routine for many people, but before that, I used to talk to them via text and call them only twice a month, depending on how busy I was.

I told them that I want things to continue the same way, and that I need my space, but they are not respecting my boundary and keep texting me to call them. It's not the only boundary that they have not respected, and it's beginning to grind on me.

It's their first granddaughter, and I don't want to keep her away from them, but she's too little to understand anything yet.

AIBU here? Should I give in and call them more often?

Thank you in advance for any replies, even if they're a big reality check!

I could have written your post. I was never close to my parents (for good reason), and spoke to them here and there, saw them a few times a year by choice, and then I got pregnant and suddenly they were completely invading my life.

No boundaries were respected, endless pushing and guilt trips and manipulation of my stated boundaries. It only ever escalated.

My mother and I especially continued to have a bad relationship, and it only deteriorated by her thinking she could bypass a relationship with me and get her hands straight on my daughter. The demands were relentless and it started stealing a lot of my joy as a new mother. I felt like I had to constantly manage and or anticipate their demands and the fallout if I tried to set a boundary.

My advice to you if this is already starting is to be very, very firm in those boundaries. Given what you are describing and what I went through, the slightest give leads to more overbearing behavior. You have told them how you feel and they aren't respecting that. Stand firm. Don't reply to a call or text if you don't want to and don't answer calls unless you want to. If you prefer to keep the frequency of contact as it was, then you are within your rights to do that.

Just because you are having a baby doesn't mean that they deserve more of your time.

A couple of calls a week doesn't sound like a lot to be honest. How long do the calls last? Surely they are just excited to have a grandchild. If it really is too much for you can you compromise? Phone call once a week but you will send regular photos maybe?

Set your boundaries and stick to them. I didn’t and ended up woth multiple facetimes weekly with a 3 and 1 year old and it was really stressful and her not understanding- baby crying toddler running around and me trying to look after them 1 handed as I was on FaceTime. I’ve stopped it now and just do it occasionally at a time that is convenient for me. Don’t start it as it is harder to stop

I think that makes sense. I'll look into ways of giving them updates that don't interfere with my well-being. I should have added that the main issue is that my mum is a very complicated person (passive-aggressive, never happy with anything I do). I get extremely anxious whenever I interact with her, because she always has some sort of remark for me, so I tend to minimise contact. I think sending her photos may be a good compromise.

I do love talking to my dad, though, so I may try and call him alone more often.

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. I relate to it in many ways - my mum is very similar to that!

I'll follow your advice and make sure to keep my boundaries. Hopefully there's a way in which they can still be satisfied.

Oh dear, yes, that's what it is, it can escalate quickly, isn't it! 😂Happy to hear you managed to dial it back down!

It’s understandable that they want to talk to you more now, they don’t sound over the top. I use an app that I upload photos to that they can see and comment on, maybe that will help them stay updated? The one I use is called backthen but I bet there’s a few around