Friend's child is mean to my toddler

[NorthernMum2021]

My friend has an almost 6 year old DD and, long story short, she doesn't play nicely with my 2 year old DS. She is always excited to play with him but is always just...doing mean things, e.g. wanting to 'hold his hand' but actually dragging him too fast so he trips over, wanting to 'show him something' but pushing him just a little bit faster than he can actually go. She also shouts in his face if he doesn't want to do something - the other day she said 'do you want to go on the swing' and he said no and she got down om his level and shouted 'DO YOU WANT TO GO ON THE SWING?' There are various other things e.g. pushing him on a trampoline etc. I always have to hover because my friend doesn't really do anything, she just sort of says 'oh I don't think he wants to do that...' and just goes 'hmm' when she does something horrible. AIBU to not be happy about this? And what should I do?! Talk to my friend about it?! Step in more myself with her child rather than just constantly hovering over mine?! Help! Thanks!

Just see your friend without the children. They don't have to get on just because their mums are friends.

Always do what your child needs first.

Model behaviour to her. Don’t stand by and let her be rough with your child. She’s probably not being maliciously rough with him - but might not realise the size / developmental differences (if used to playing with peers) so may need some ‘guidance’ in how to play with him…

if your friend isn’t providing this - then you must do it to protect your child.

e.g. Danny has little legs so when I hold his hand - I walk slowly with him - so he can keep up .

If Danny says no - we need to listen and think of something else to play.

‘gentle hands’

‘no pushing on the trampoline!’

Provide gentle guidance on what she should do and really praise her when she is playing nicely to encourage good interactions.

Your child doesn't need this. See your friend without your child for a while.

Tell your friend that the age gap is too much for the kids to play together. If she doesn’t want to meet without dc then distance yourself.

Please protect your son. It’s upsetting to think of him being treated this way by an older child.

Your friend doesn’t care about your son so why should you care about her?

I’d stop meeting with kids it’s not fair on your toddler. You could be more assertive and tell her dd to stop or ask her to be firmer but that will probably affect your relationship

I’ve got a two year and a six year old, we see a lot of kids of both ages. Your friend is a crap ineffective parent and your very small child is being treated horribly! Stop seeing her with her daughter. I’d have said something the first time she was rough with him or yelled in his face, I wouldn’t tolerate any of that, and I wouldn’t have met up with them again. Can you imagine how massive a child 4 years older feels to him? Poor little thing.

Tell her. Right away, remove your child from her vicinity and tell her he is not a toy. Directly to the child since clearly the mother is too stupid to do that.

Don't do the ridiculous MN thing of never ever addressing another person's child when they are doing wrong. Even if they are hacking your PFBs leg off with a rusty knife, the MN way is to wring hands and hope the mother notices and steps in.

Your friend has shown you her parenting style. Her child will continue to mistreat your son while your friend stands there and acts passive.

Given the age discrepancy, your son can hardly stand up for himself. I imagine if you directly told her child firmly but kindly how to treat your toddler, your friend would not take this well. Clearly, her little angel can do no wrong!

If you want to stay friends, you will have to meet her without the children. But do you even want to stay friends? I mean, she thinks it's okay for her 6 year old to bully your baby. It says a lot about her, and not just as a parent.

I've been in this situation many times...

Thanks everybody - I wasn't sure whether I was just being unreasonable or an overbearing mother! You have given me the advice I've now realised I would give anyone else in the same situation.

The end of this made me laugh 🤣 I do do a lot of this and in a very positive way, but it ends up with me just feeling super drained after each time we meet up, as well as bad for my little boy and at the same time annoyed at my friend for not noticing and also feeling bad that I'm essentially telling off her child.

Parent the children as if they were both yours and discipline her daughter, enforce boundaries, if she won’t parent her child then you have the right to

You really have to stick up for your son and call out this behaviour. Not go mental but say “Excuse me Alice, do not push him so hard please”.

I have to say I had similar when my DS was about 3, my friends DD was horrible to him and was very open about the fact it’s because he was a boy and “boys smell” and “boys are boring” (she was from a family of girls and I think they grew up in a very anti-male house). She was 7 at the time and my friend NEVER backed me when I told her off. She would just stand like a goon, watching. I ended up just cutting them out our lives, it wasn’t worth

tbh the most effective way of stopping it is to say "hey, friend, i don'T want to meet up with you any more if your daughter is there. she keeps hurting my child and you never step in"

@SirBasil I agree, but I think this would definitely be a friendship-ender!

well, you could try being more diplomatic than i am.... 😜

She isn't being 'mean', she just doesn't quite understand how to play with a toddler. The getting to his level and dragging him along sounds like behaviour that has been moddled to her, she will just be copying what she sees adults do, but being 6 will get it a wrong sometimes.

who cares if she "gets it wrong" her mother should have stopped it after the very first time.

In OPs shoes i would bellow at her and remove my child.

I wonder if people would claim a child was “just getting it wrong” if it was a six year old boy dragging a 2yo girl along.

Knowing mumsnet they’d probably tell OP to call the police

Both my kids knew well before age 6 what is appropriate behaviour towards smaller children, and I’d expect other people’s kids to as well