Sister saying I spoil my grandchildren and children

[GrannyJayJay]

I have 2 sons, eldest is single but has 2 boys 7 and 5 who he has most of the time (mum has them every other weekend, younger son has 3 little girls with his partner.

For our eldest son I do the afterschool care 3 days a week (I work the other 2), for youngest son we have the kids here and there not often admittedly.
We always get the kids school shoes, blazers, bags and coats every year.
We take all of them (kids, partners and grandkids) to Aviemore in the school holiday in February, then in February we alternate between centre parcs with the boys and DS1 and London with DS2 and his girls (better for the quality time and they do centre parcs with her parents so no point doing it twice).
We pay for dance/football lessons.

Now we aren’t super well off, but our rent is council and cheap, we don’t have any debt and spend much less at Christmas and birthday.

We prefer this set up as it genuinely gives us quality time with all the kids and it means the financial help we are giving is very practical rather than more toys they don’t really need.

Today my sister and I met for lunch and she started complaining that I spoil them, they will never learn to stand on their own two feet and this is why they are all in council flats etc.

AIBU to think that if we can afford it and everyone is happy with it then we aren’t actually spoiling them at all?

I think it’s amazing that you spend quality time with them and support your sons/spend time with them and their families as you’ve described. I’m sure you’ll all remain to have a great bond and your grandchildren will grow up with a close relationship with you

As a mum with parents and in laws as the total opposite, I wish I had some like you. Ours don’t bother to spend time with my DD then don’t understand when she’s not bothered with them.

You sound lovely, generous and supportive and your sister sounds like a bitter so and so!

She sounds bitter and unpleasant. You sound like a very loving, involved grandparent and I’m sure all the children will have wonderful memories of your trips together in years to come ❤️

What business is it of hers, anyway? Are you, your children and grandchildren happy with the current arrangements?

If so - that’s brilliant. It has absolutely zippo to do with your sister. Her opinion is worth nothing. She’s entitled to it, but you don’t live your life to please her. Don’t even give it another thought.

What is life for if not spoiling the people you love when you can? What's her beef, presumably you weren't asking for a loan? 😁

Your set up sounds absolutely lovely. Your treating both sons and grandchildren the same. If you can and your happy I don't see the issue. I'm sure your sons both appreciate all you do. Your sister sounds bitter. Ignore her

It sounds like the set up works nicely for you and your kids. Your sister should mind her own business.

If you have the money and are able to do this then really what's the issue? It sounds like you're fantastic grandparents and parents because let's not forget by buying blazers etc you're not "treating" the grandkids but you are REALLY helping out your kids...who can then treat their kids I'd expect!
10/10 would recommend from me.

Your sister doesn't understand the difference between "doing a lot for" and "spoiling".

You're helping by paying for necessities, as you say, not heaping mounds of toys on them. Spoiling someone is more about giving into their every whim and not exercising boundaries and discipline, than it is about how much you spend on them.

Does she have grandchildren of her own?
Does she see them regularly and have a good relationship with her children/grandchildren?
Sounds like jealousy to me.
If you were constantly handing over cash and buying things for your sons who didn’t work or contribute then maybe I would agree, but otherwise I would say you have a fabulous relationship with your sons and their families and you should be very proud of them all and the fact you can spend so much time with them.
Nevermind your sister, tell her to mind her own beeswax!!!!

Whether you spoil your children is I think dependent on their attitude. Are they grateful for the help and the holiday? If they are grateful, they aren’t spoilt. You give your time and money for a holiday generously and they gratefully receive it.

Your sister sounds like she’s jealous of your family dynamic. What’s her relationship like with her kids and grandchildren (assuming she has any)?

How much of your time and money you are willing to spend on your family is no one else’s business but yours. And the people you are spending it on to a lesser extent. Enjoy it and ignore people like your sister.

YANBU. You have a great relationship with your children and grandchildren and tbh your sister sounds jealous

just ignore her and carry on

Im torn on this absolutely spend time with your family and treat them. But part of raising children is making them capable and independent adults. Would your sons cope if you suddenly wasn't here anymore. They sound very dependent on and I think sometimes grandparents seem to step into this parent role rather then grandparent role.

My mum pays for many of my kids hobbies. I'm so grateful and she loves to nurture their passions. She was always taking them out when they were younger and was very reliable for babysitting or random childcare. She's the best. But actually I think her sister does even more for her grandkids.

Why shouldn't you spoil your kids and grandkids if you can afford it and it doesn't leave you short. If it makes you and them happy then go for it!!

Bit torn on this because I was spoilt by GPs and my parents had a lot of financial support from them and I don't think it's helped my mother, she's always been bad with money and in the past was bailed out, now she gets unsecured bank loans.

The odd holiday is nice as it's wonderful memories but all the extras might be a bit much.

I do the same for my kids and grandkids. I do the child care several full days a week (I work part time) as DD1 is a nurse and her dh also works shifts. We help them out in any way we can, whether it's buying the grandchildren's shoes, fixing house problems (DH is very good at DIY) and we will continue to take all the children and our two dgc over to Australia every other year for as long as we can manage it (as DS1 lives there)
We pay for DGS's hobby (dgd is still a baby but will do the same for her ), not because it's asked for or expected but because once we were super broke younger parents, who had no family support within 100 miles, and would have been grateful for any support.

We live simply, don't have a big income or flash cars and we love helping our adult kids in any way. They are grateful, not greedy and promise me they'll choose a nice nursing home one day😂
They don't expect anything; they all worked jobs through 6th form, university etc and are all hard workers, so why shouldn't we try and make their lives a little easier ?

Is she jealous? If that’s how you want to spend time with your family and what you want to do for them then fantastic. I doubt for one second that you’re going to think in eg 10 years time ‘ I wish I’d spent less time with my grandchildren’