To secretly wish DH didn’t stop going to the gym

[Sunandsands]

My DH was big into his exercise when we met, a regular at the gym and played football once a week.

He gradually stopped doing this and hasn’t really bothered for the best part of 6 months now. His view is basically what’s the point, life’s busy and we all grow old and wider eventually.

I still keep active and have a gym membership.

He is what you’d probably call in a man ‘skinny fat’ , he has lost his muscle and definition in his arms etc and is getting quite a belly.

I’ve not said anything to him …am I a bitch for thinking like this?

no youre not

how many times has someone wished their partner would lose a few pounds

attraction is a key component in a relationship

anyone who says otherwise is lying

This is a difficult one but I understand where you are coming from OP. You are making the effort to keep your self in shape and so should he. He enjoyed keeping fit in the past he could do again. You would not be wrong in saying something to him if it's done with kindness and tact. If he cares and respects you he should listen to you and get back to keep fit. Perhaps you could do something new active together

Except when it’s a man wishing his wife would lose weight. Then everyone says he’s abusive and she should leave him.

Nothing technically wrong for thinking this, would perhaps be wrong if you said anything to him. Unless he got very unfit and unsightly.

Honestly I would feel the same. My DH has always been big into health and fitness. Gym, runs, bikes, swims - does marathons, triathlons, ironmans. Is mid 40s and looks absolutely brilliant. Fit and toned and hot (IMO). If he stopped all that and let the middle aged spread take hold it would definitely be challenging, not just because of how he would look but also that attitude of 'what's the pojnt'. Staying strong and fit is so important for health especially as we age and I find it very attractive that he works so hard. Having said that if he was unable to work out for health reasons I dont think a change in his body would bother me at all. So its not the aesthetic thing that would bother me so much - more the attitude and mentality

as a pp said, it’s not wrong to think it but I think it’s a delicate topic to bring up and I wouldn’t.
I’d have been gutted if my dh had pointed out when I started to gain weight and started being ‘helpful with advice’ about how to lose it again.

It’s ok to think it - but not to say it imo.

Lack of exercise is a health issue. If he's gaining weight and getting a significant paunch in just 6 months of not exercising, it sounds like he's risking metabolic syndrome.

What is he doing instead of keeping fit?

Just tell him!

Do you reserse the right to give up your gym membership if you want to? Do you think your DP should be able to voice there disapproval of that choice if you did?

I agree.
i did the opposite, and began serious exercise in my late sixties.
I feel SO much better for it in terms of increased confidence, the physical ability to tackle so much more, not to mention the appreciative comments I get from my man.
He actually said that my attitude to exercise in the last few years, is inspiring to him.
Hes not been well enough to do so, but fully intends to exercise once his surgeon advises he can do so.
Please don’t be tempted to give up your gym membership, or cut down on what you like to do.
He might see you maintaining your fitness, and get envious, then try to persuade you that it’s not necessary you age… bollocks! Speaking as an older person, it’s even more important.
Whether, or how to put your view across is harder.
Depends I guess on his attitudes to other aspects of his life.
Maybe you could say how much you continue to enjoy your exercise and how you’re feeling the benefits.
You could search the internet to find research showing how much keeping fit is a good thing.
You could even say that you find him more attractive when he exercises too, as not only does he look so much better, but you admire that kind of determination in your partner.

Only you know your man, and how to approach this.

You know, if a partner suddenly took up more alcohol, or eating unhealthily, you’d sure say something then. So why not this?

Best of luck 🍀

But going to the gym can mean the difference between a good and a rubbish old age. The muscles he uses to squat are the ones he will use to get out of his chair and in and off the loo, ones he uses to lift weights are the ones that mean he will be able to carry shopping bags.

fir me the very unattractive thing is the desire to just give up and go to seed when he has the ability to not do this. That would really make me question my future with him.

I’d love my DH (skinny fat) to do some resistance training of some sort a couple of times a week. Functional fitness could well be the difference between an immobile retirement and a mobile retirement.

It's only been 6 months. If he has spent many many years working out I can understand when you reach a point where your outlook changes and you question why you are doing it if your not enjoying it anymore. He may well just be needing this break and will take up a new active hobby again at some point.

maybe he got bored with his old fitness routine and needs to create a different one. What else is there available in the area? Any classes? Different sports? Any friends who attend that he could tag along with?

Surely he should aim to be fit and mobile for his future grandkids and old age. It really is a case of use it or loose it in middle age, so many of my friends in their 50s are already struggling with basic squats. Maintaining fitness is much easier than building fitness from scratch.

I was about to say the same thing hear it a lot on here.

Totally not unreasonable. You fell for someone who was fit, energetic and motivated and now they’re not, therefore you’ve lost a bit of the person you were originally attracted to. Watching someone give up on themselves is never an attractive quality in a partner. It’s also not a healthy viewpoint to ‘give in to the inevitable’ because it’s not inevitable - being active is a choice! Yes, it’s hard to find time for exercise when you live a busy life and have a family, but not impossible. You’ve proved that.

If you speak to him about it I would broach it from this standpoint i.e the health benefits and the mental implications of giving in to society’s ‘middle aged spread’ stereotype, which fosters laziness. Don’t focus on muscles, bellies, or anything physical as he will 100% be hurt and offended if you do.

absolutley