To think most friendships are more about proximity than genuine connection?

[TheGentleSwan]

Work friends, school-gate friends, neighbour friends… most of it is convenience. AIBU to think that real, deep friendships are rare and most are just circumstantial?

Realistically you need the proximity. I still think it's possible to develop deep connection with a friend but it's not going to happen without some proximity and compatibility in schedule.

Yep! I have thought this for ages and found that friendship gets much easier and more relaxed when you accept that it will wax and wane/flux etc. You have to not dwell on people who move on or friendships that dwindle - they will, its normal, its circumstantial and feeling offended, abandoned or sad is pointless. Look around you and recognise the people who are in the here and now.

Only a minority of people have the levels of social energy required to maintain long distance friendships over many years, it requires a huge amount of effort and a lot of long term shared interests to remain meaningful for both.

Not in my experience. Sure, you will have more circumstantial relationships statistically, but absolutely real, context-independent friendships develop out of these and long outlast the proximity that brought them into being in the first place.

Yes. Friendships are usually just a means to an end. They're entertaining and sometimes supportive but most don't tend extend beyond convenient. It's just life.

I had friends that were related to our Children being the same age so useful for play dates and the odd wine o clock. Tbh I am much happier now that I don’t have to be hanging out with people just because of children! My true friends are pre - kids, and don’t live as nearby.

Proximity helps get a friendship started. Genuine connection and making an effort keeps it going.

For me, I think there are three types of friends.

Some are going to be lifelong, based on genuine connection, values and so on. Most of these originate in proximity but others don't: I've got a couple of multi-decade penfriends whom I've never met in real life. I have very few of these, but they are constant, regardless of distance.

There are some who are similar to this in terms of shared connections and values, but for various reasons the contact ebbs and flows. I might only see them in person once every five or even ten years, and perhaps communicate with otherwise on birthdays etc, but we are able to pick up where we left off. Quite a few of my boarding school friends are like this.

And others are, as you say, circumstantial. Other parents are the obvious big part of this, but colleagues who are also friends, sports team mates, and so on. If you accept this, moving on naturally is no big deal.

Yes, but for how long? You can eek things out a few years but then the moment one is swamped by life and the other gets the huff by the time gone by without contact, it fizzles out.

People define friendship differently.

A lot of people seem to think that regularly talking AT a person for hours while showing no interest in them is friendship
😂

I think the majority of friendships are transient and based on convenience but some progress from that and endure when circumstances change - those are in the minority, though IMO.

Is this why so many MNers seem to dislike their friends?

Proximity obviously helps sustain friendships but no, it's not the reason in and of itself. The only reason is actually enjoying a person's character and company. Unlike family, you get to choose your friends, so there's no reason you should choose to be "friends" with people you don't like.

You can get on with colleagues, neighbours and so on but that's not friendship (unless it becomes one with time).

And all friendships ebb and flow, including due to proximity. I just visited a couple of friends in Manchester last weekend - I hadn't seen them for a couple of years. But the friendship hadn't gone away, just because we weren't hanging out every couple of weeks like we did when they were in London.

I have a few friends that I feel close and connected to who I see only once or twice a year as we don't live close. Local friends are much more about proximity. We get on okay, we have a long shared history of knowing each other and helping each other over the years but probably wouldn't stay close if we moved away, whereas the friends I really cherish can live a long way away but when we meet up we connect and it is lovely.

I like my friends, the convenient and those who endure from years ago. But I wouldn't worry too much if they dissolved, I'd just make new. But then, I really like all my family so I don't need to build a tribe.

Re-reading that, I didn't mean for that to come across as passive aggressive - I just mean I'm not very motivated to invest heaps of energy into friendships. I'm definitely lazier about it as I've aged.

Agree

I do think how you form friendships is influenced by your family set up.

My friend is an only child of older parents. She had two cousins, both quite a few years older. Her friends are very important to her, they are her support network, her bridesmaids, godparents to her kids etc.

Ive 3 siblings whom i get on brilliantly with, and 9 cousins including lots close in age to me. I've got lots of family commitments, my capacity to be devoted to my friends is limited. I'd pick a night out with my siblings over friends any day.