In a dilemma

[princesscharming23]

Sorry for the long read in advance ....Im feeling quite deflated at this situation. And would be really grateful for your opinions / views on this situation .My 14 almost 15 yo son is due to go on a holiday to Greece with his dad and his dad's partner. We co parent and have dine since my son was 3. He spends most weekends with his dad and this has always been the case as his dad has always been quit the controlling one that takes all of his own needs and wants into consideration and not other people's, and ive always been the one that just wants my sons needs amd wants met so if hes happy then so am I. (Myseld and his dad do get on amicably when he isnt acting a child throwing their dummy from the pram)The holiday is all booked and paid.My son never got asked if he wanted to go And he was just told he was going. I do normally always ask my son if he would like to come in holiday with us before we book as its important to me to implement choice and as hes getting older with different wants and needs I just like to make sure hes happy. (He isnt spoiled though if that makes sense)My son is diagnosed with ADHD and emotional dysregulation and its really important to me that he has a parent that he can open up to and share his worries with etc... that parent has always been me... as the relationship woth his dad has always been a kind of pressured one with more of a friendship feel than father and son , ie, if he doesn't feel to go football training one week as hes unwell or tired then his dad threatens to cancel the payment or if his football mates have something he has to make sure my son has it too. Bit like a sheep .... hes similar himself with fashion. And keeping up with the jones'es type thing.Anyway back to his holiday.... my son was dating a girl for 10 months and shes just broken up with him , and he is feeling really emotional and rubbish.... of course im gus safe space and his shoulder to cry on and he is really now not wanting to go on holiday with his dad to greece, hes too scared to tell his dad as his dad will really be angry with him.And I will feel upset with his dad if he tried to force my son to go as hes always suffered wirh his mental health , and hes really not in a good place right now... if he goes to Greece he will nit go to his dad for support if he felt emotional or just needed to chat, it will just be his dad and his partner so no one to really socialise with .....What would you do in this situation.... his dad has never really understood mental health or even his diagnosis and has basically told me never to tell anyone as he will be labelled.He stopped paying child support ad the age of my son tuning 4 and said he will just save his money up for him in a separate bank which I dont belive he does (this is just some info to have more of an i sight to hiw he is).My sons wellbeing is so important and all is dad will see it as wasted money but if he foesnt want to go id rather he didnt go am i worng for putting his mental health needs before forcing him on a holiday he doesnt want to go on for the sake of keepin his dad happy. Please help settle a mothers mind xxxx

What would you do in this situation....

Talk to his dad and tell him the information he needs to know about his son's emotions, but then wish them a good holiday.

You sound lovely and you sound like you really put your son first and try and help him, but you also need your time.

Sending him on the trip will also help him build the emotional resilience it sounds like your son needs to continue developing. He can't be snatched out of every tough situation in life. It's a holiday and as soon as he feels the sun on his back hopefully he will forget things a bit more.

Oh poor boy, first heartbreak is always tough. You sound lovely. I think I'd try and reframe the holiday as being able to have a break and his return being a fresh start. Really put a positive spin on it as I'm sure the weather, food and sea/pool will do wonders for his mental health.

I’d be making my son go on holiday with his father instead of teaching him that he can’t cope with the emotion of a teenage breakup without his mummy right beside him.

Bless him, first heartbreak is so hard and feels like the end of the world at the time but everyone goes through it, he will get over it. I also think he should go on the holiday. Its a beach in Greece not a prison camp! He'll feel much worse in the long run if he avoids these things, and these days with roaming minutes he can always phone you to have a cry down the phone if he needs to. I would text his dad just to give him the heads-up about the break-up but don't fill your son with unrealistic expectations that his dad is going to agree to spend the holiday talking about feelings and emphasising, sounds like that's just not him, everyone is different after all and it sounds as though he does care for and love your son, he's just got a different way of showing it.

I would encourage him to get on with his life and go to Greece rather than ruminate on things. Teaching him that he cannot cope without you is not helpful.

OP I think you a mummying him a little too much. He's 14. Absolutely be his shoulder to cry on but I'd also be reminding him life moves on and honestly going on holiday might do him the world of good. He has his own, independent relationship with his father that he needs to learn to navigate without you.

I agree that you're mummying him too much. Everyone goes through their first heartbreak and you just have to get on with it. Tell him to go and make the most of the holiday, I bet it will make him feel better about the breakup anyway. He's 14, he does not need you telling him he can't cope, instead you should be teaching him ways he can cope, like doing things to take his mind off it.

I also agree you’re mummying too much. He’s at the age where he needs to start becoming independent. A holiday will do him good, a change of scenery and pace. Plus, he’s 14. Relationships come and go at that age.

Agree with everyone else. Look at it from an outside perspective - What do you think will be better for him?

A week at home moping around (most likely in his bedroom knowing teenagers) being upset with his mum looking after him?

Or a week in another country, swimming in the sea, taking in the culture, meeting new people, taking his mind off everything at home and having fun?

I don't think you can focus on how his dad parents. He is who he is. Just give dad the heads up, have a chat with your son and then send him off with no drama or tears!

I think you’re pandering to him a bit too much. I consider my dc’s needs (also teen) but I also consider myself. They’re too young to stay alone, so if dd says she doesn’t want to visit grand parents for a weekend then it’s tough really.
explain to his dad, encourage him to be understanding and be positive about the trip to your son. Getting dumped is awful but the time will pass and getting away, new environment and doing fun things is likely to be better than sitting at home wallowing.

Possibly not the point of the thread, but you need to go through CMS to get child maintenance from his dad. Dreadful that he has never paid for his son. And probably BS that he saving money. Even if he is, it doesn't mean he can opt out of CM.

Frame the holiday as a positive distraction and opportunity to spend time in a gorgeous space and to have the choice to spend time alone if he needs to.

You are a WhatsApp away if he needs to you talk to. Ultimately this is not going to be his first difficult situation to navigate and he does need to try, ADHD or not. By yanking him out and keeping him close, you're not helping him. Trust me. He's safe with his Dad and there's nothing you've said which raises red flags or safeguarding issues.

Often, without even realising, we can instill our own fears into our children. This is definitely one of those, 'I understand you feel rubbish but a break and time with your Dad will do you good. I love you and will see you when you're back'.

Thank you all so much for your input. It does make me look at things in a whole new light. And you're right .... although I havent said any of this to my son regarding mothering him etc it would be damaging for me to allow him to wallow about over a girl and his first breakup.
Xxx

There is no discussion with a 14 year old about going on holiday. It is not their choice - hopefully a parent books something that appeals to their child but there is no discussion. I think your attitude on this matter is off.

A holiday, change of scenery and pace may distract your son from the heartbreak.

You mention your ex doesn’t pay any maintenance for his child - I am not sure it is relevant to your main concern. But you should put in a CMS claim because this is unfair.