Toxic mother finally tearing me apart

[Whymemama]

the relationship with my DM has been a very difficult one for my entire life, recently my DSD passed and things have really pushed me to my limits, she is only interested in one of my children, doesn’t see or ask about the other 2, same with me and DH no interest or care shown at all. We are struggling financially and she holds this over us all the time, but will only help when it comes to the favoured child, this has brought a lot of conflict recently and whilst she only sees us once every now and then whilst visiting only talked about all of her holidays, days out, meals, fun times had, never once asked either child how they have been or any question at all for that matter, just where the sibling was that is favoured but decided not to come out that day, it was humiliating for me as she only spoke about how great her life was and all the great things she had booked and was doing, including one event my children got upset about as we were supposed to go on but couldn’t afford to so she went with someone else! See I don’t expect to be paid for but I draw the line at her making me the bad guy because I couldn’t afford £30 on a day out because I had to pay her all our spare money to cover a loan she could of easily spared to us, now I’m not wanting to sound entitled that’s not the point my point was she didn’t have to rub that and all her other holidays and fun times, meals out etc in our faces and tell the children how fun it was, knowing they wanted to go! It doesn’t end there the list of horrid things she continues to do just gets longer and the fact she only is interested in seeing one child and makes a point that my other children are just an “expense we can’t afford” and has no time or interest in the rest of us is really getting me down, I am only allowed to contact her on her terms lately, she ignores me for week long periods but demands I message or speak to her the minute that she contacts, if she bothers at all! I am told I only contact her when I want something, but she never calls or asks about any of us unless she is chasing me for money i am struggling to find to pay, she accuses me of lying and I just don’t know what to do or say anymore, I’m trying my hardest but my other children want to know why she doesn’t want to see them and she’s on her 8th holiday and ignores my messages for a week but demands I return hers the minute she’s home and wants to know why I am not wanting to talk to her knowing it will just be a barrage of abuse about me not being good enough and about money I don’t have and it just makes me feel like a failure over and over, I’ve lived with this my whole life and I just don’t think I can take it anymore, I’m not sure why I’m posting here actually, realising most people will probably agree with her about all the financial problems not being her problem and I should just pay her back and go without but I’m at the point now I can’t even ask for another food bank voucher I’m leaving myself that short and we are going hungry and one child hasn’t even got any shoes that fit at the moment so I can’t justify paying her when I could by them shoes and we could have food in the fridge instead, I think I just need to vent somewhere and I’m lost with what to do, realistically I want to cut her out but how can I do this if she is still wanting to see one child? I know if I cut her off she will only contact the one child and leave the rest of us no contact no problem and I don’t know how to deal with that! My head is a mess with all this

How much money do you owe her?
Do you both work?
How old are the children?

@Whymemama pay her back so you dont owe her anything. change your phone number. do not let her into your house!!! block and delete on all social media. just have nothing to do with her again.

you owe it to all your kids to refuse to engage anymore and she will destroy the favoured child eventually anyway. And no doubt she will try to turn them against you if they can. They can't help themselves. You are doing them all a favour by cutting her out so look at it that way. She sounds dreadful .

£250 left to pay, DH works part time but takes as many hours as he can but financially we just don’t seem to be able to keep up, I’ve been suffering with my mental health for way to long, children are 10,11 and 14

well you both need to be working FT how can you ever get financially stable without it

Just one of you works part time? That needs to change and then you can pay her back quicker and not be beholden.

aTHE point you have repaid your debt then you can dictate the terms of your relationship with her.

but get more work between you!!

I wish it was that easy, DH gets full time hours when they are available to him, if I could work I would, I’ve tried applying for jobs but due to my previous history where my mental health and other conditions were not officially diagnosed it proves difficult, at the moment a bit of leniency on how much needs to be paid, as this is the last instalment so to speak, would really help us out but instead I’m just bombarded with abuse about it, I already am fully aware that I’m failing at life without a constant reminder when all I’m asking is a bit if extra time to pay back what is owed the school holidays is just harder with new uniforms to buy etc, and even if I was to get a full time job now, it wouldn’t help with the immediate situation and I would also then have to cover childcare costs for the youngest 2 who have only just turned 10 and 11 not quite up to looking after themselves all day during the holidays

well you pay this back then what? your financial worries disappear, you are both adults you need to be financially responsible for the children you chose to have so seek help for your mental health issues and both get full time jobs, otherwise where are you going to get money from next? it won't just appear

your mother is not the problem here

Your DH needs to find another job with full time hours if he can’t always get full time hours at his current job. Have you considered doing some work from home? Kids are expensive and only get worse when they get older. Borrowing money is only leading to more pressure. Keep this woman away as kids pick up on these things when there is favouritism.

OP, I hear you. Your mother sounds toxic. It must be so hard to see the woods for the trees when you've got all that emotional and financial control to wade through because of your mum. She is adding to your problems when she could (and should) be a person you can turn to for emotional support.

Could your DH look for another job with guaranteed full time hours? If I were in your shoes, this would have to be a priority.

Things will feel easier once the children are back at school, hopefully. Can you access any counselling? I don't really have much advice, other than to get a part time job as soon as you're able, but I understand how impossible that might feel right now.

If you have a DC who is 13, can that DC pick up the other DCs from school and walk them home, in the future, which might make getting a job easier? I know that still leaves school holidays to fathom out, but lots of my DCs friends did this at that age as mum was at work.

And once the debt is paid off, I would go no contact with your mother, and not borrow another penny from her.

Your dm sounds selfishly & nasty. I would completely cut her out of your lives as soon as you have paid her back. It's disgusting that she favours one of your dc and rubs things into the others faces. Thats incredibly cruel. She doesn't bring anything to fulfill your lives. When the summer holidays are over and you don't need childcare do you think you could get a part time job even? It would greatly increase your confidence and you would have extra funds coming through to enable you to cut contact with your dm as you won't need anything from her. Owing money to her gives her a hold over you and you need to break that cycle by being self sufficient.

Did you start by saying your stepdaughter died recently?

I think you will find most of your issues will be solved when you are both earning and have more money. You won't need to be borrowing money from or being jealous of what your DM can afford. She shouldn't be prioritising one DC over the others but it's your job to put a stop to that.
Honestly once you are working your world won't seem so small and your DM won't feature so heavily.

I would consider setting up a standing order for something nominal like £5 per week. Message her to say you will repay it faster if you can but you will not have the DC go without food and essentials such as school shoes to repay her. That you are blocking her and do not wish to ever see or hear from her ever again.

You have to mean it though.

Why does your dh only work p/t? What work does he do?

By all means go NC with your mum once you have fully paid her back, but your finances are in terrible shape so how will you improve things?

How on earth are you ever planning to support yourselves when your DH only works part time and you don’t work? You have 3 children to support!

A lot of people have mental health problems and health problems, but they still have to work. Apply for anything- supermarket work, cafe, garden centre…

Kindly, you need to change your attitude and thought processes. Although your mum sounds awful, she doesn't owe you anything as an adult, you shouldn't see someone talking about good experiences they had as rubbing it in your face, if your DC are upset with this too you are passing on your issues to them. My DC haven't had all the experiences someone else has but they're not envious or upset about it.
You shouldn't be allowing your mum to favour one DC or upset you. Tell her she is out of order and cut contact if she won't change.
You should never be in a position where your child doesn't having shoes that fit. Feeding and clothing your child is the priority. People are given benefits for children to ensure they are fed and clothed. If you can no longer get food vouchers that suggests they think you don't need them and are miss managing your money. Do reach out to other food banks if needed, not all need referrals. Food banks or citizens advice should be able to support you with learning to budget effectively and possibly may be able to wipe your debts. Use charity shops for clothes, some areas have clothing banks so look for that.
You have quite a woe is me attitude, which I know is common with mental health issues and I'm sorry you're going through it but you do need to pull yourself together for your DC.

It's not your mother that's tearing you apart, it's your poverty.

She's entitled to spend her money how she wants to.

In terms of your own kids, please contact their schools who should be able to refer you to extra help for things like uniform and footwear - I'm a teacher and it's not unusual for our school to provide uniform and shoes.