Is it unreasonable...

[OneLemonPeer]

Long story short, split up with my dd mother at a young age. It's been a couple of years now.

Not fussed about dating others, but did discuss telling one another about the situation if it occurred.

Went to pick my daughter up, at said time I was told the day before. Arrived, knocked on door and new boyfriend answered. Ex and DD weren't there. They were on their way back, not far away.

I drove away. Probably shouldn't have. I would like to know more about their situation, as my daughter is very young.

Ex will not talk to me about it. Should I leave it and forget about it?

Sorry, but this crops up all the time. No matter what you want and what you agreed, your ex is under no obligation to tell you anything.

Yes ultimately it’s none of your business who your ex is with and vice versa

Wrong forum for this sort of post if you were the mum dad would be out of order and should know who her child is spending time around but as a dad it will be none of your business who mum has in the home/around the child…I would say to talk to your Ex about what is going on as the kid might well just this aw “Dave” that’s mums pal who sometimes is there but has no real impact on them or their time with mum x

So did you drive away and let your child down?

Yet on this forum there's uproar if someone introduces their kid to a new partner within a year of meeting.

Lol. Can't be bothered things

Because staying and arguing in front of the child would have been the better option?

I can imagine it was a shock, I know people say she can do whatever she likes but I do think knocking at the door and finding out isn’t the best way.

Try speaking with your ex and explaining why you reacted the way you did and hopefully she can imagine how she’d feel if it was the other way around. Yes people move on but if you’d both agreed that you would tell each other when it happened and she didn’t it’s pretty shitty behaviour to let you find out that way.

What a horrible situation OP, especially when she could've given you the heads up.

I voted YABU though because you drove away, when the whole point was for you to have contact with your daughter.

No matter how the adults feel, she should always come first.

Because staying and arguing in front of the child would have been the better option?

There's clearly more than one option though?

Like waiting in the car for his DD to come back.

But both things can be true. Yes, it can be a bad idea to introduce your child to a new partner too quickly (whether you are a man or a woman). However, at the same time, there is nothing that the ex-spouse/ex-partner can do about it (again, whether you are a man or a woman).

in an ideal world, you would be told if your child is spending large amounts of time with another adult. Not all coparents are perfect.

leaving and not collecting your child is a huge problem. You don’t let your child down. Stick to the custody schedule and do not let your personal feelings get in the way of being a present parent. No matter what your ex does, be the better person.

Thank you all for your input, it's appreciated. And correct, I should not have let my daughter down, and that I do regret.

We can’t all behave perfectly in all circumstances. You had an agreement that she would tell you, and vice verse, so I can imagine in that moment how you felt. It’s a shitty thing for her to do and I’d want an explanation if only so you can support your daughter.

You drove away and let your daughter down? Grow up, how immature.

Don’t beat yourself up - you’d had a shock, so ran away. Just make sure you make it up to your daughter soon.

As for knowing about your ex’s new partner, despite your agreement to share details, it isn’t any of your business unless/until you feel (and can evidence) it is negatively impacting your DD. Keep an eye on her - rearrange your time with her quickly! - and try to open up natural communication with your ex about her new life arrangements in the context of how it will impact your DD.

Good luck!

And yet your question isn’t about your daughter or making it up to her, it’s about your ego and your ex. You agreed you would tell each other about new partners, and that didn’t happen, annoying yes but now you move on. There is no need to argue with an ex about their partner - she’s not yours to argue with. Avoid arguments for your child’s sake and don’t let her down again.

I get that it was a shock but you can’t control who your ex is dating or how quickly they introduce your DD. Even if you thought you had a prior agreement.
Letting your DD down because they were late back is a problem. She should be your priority. I bet she was really upset not to see you. None of this is her fault and your priorities need to change. You should have waited and taken her as usual without mentioning this in front of her.