To return to marriage or pursue divorce?

[BaaBaaStripySheep]

Two difficult choices- what would you do?

Choice one -
Return to H after separating. Work on our marriage and what lead us to separate. Be a family again. Kids possibly confused and could everything ever go back to the way it was? See my children 100% of the time especially oldest who only has overnights with Dad. Give up my new home. Risk ex holding it over my head (forever!) that I left him. But our family would be together. His family hate me. Mine hate him. Hope everyone will be civil eventually. See my son off to school every morning and see him after school and overnight.

Choice two -
Stay separated. Pursue divorce. Only see oldest in the day and for tea. If lucky one overnight per week. Accept that he has chosen to mostly be in the marital home and the only home he has ever known. Youngest 80% of the time. Family split up. Keep my lovely home, make it my own. Try and cope with being lonely and not properly living with my oldest. Look to the future instead of back.

What would you do? We are discussing a trial separation.

If I only see my son during the day - cooking lunch, tea, taking him to activities, taking him out for the day, all admin, homework but no overnights does that still mean my ex husband has full custody?

Very confused! 😵‍💫

I think you'd need to give more detail about why you left your H. If there is abuse present, it would be ill advised to return to the marriage.

How old are your children, OP?

Why have you left him? This is the key, I think. If it was bad enough to get to this point, I would not go back.

I left due to emotional abuse such as calling me names and other stuff that was bad enough for me to plan to leave him. He had stopped name calling/threatening me and things were not as bad as a few years ago but I left due to being unable to forgive his disrespect towards me.

One teenager and one 9 year old.

But I wish I had somehow tried to move on and forgiven him then we would all be together. He had stopped name calling and wasn’t as bad as he used to be.

What do you really want?

Given that you suspect that your DH will continue to abuse you if you return, in never letting it drop, I would personally carry on with the divorce. There also has to be reasons why your two families can't stand each other. So long as you continue to see your older child frequently, I would have thought things would be ok.

Keep your lovely home, and enjoy the peace.

You say that you left him now because of how he treated you years ago; and the way you weigh up the stay/go options are only about logistics. Do you have an attraction to someone else that you think you can pursue if you leave your husband?

Thinking about your oldest DC, a teenager. Obviously you can’t see into the future but if you move back with your husband, how long will it be until your teenager moves out and makes a life of their own in any case?

Without delving back through previous posts, are you the poster who was understandably extremely upset her son didn’t want to live with her in the last few weeks as he chose to stay in the home he grew up in with Dad? (& possibly another post where dad was pushing for full custody in terms of child benefit/other possible benefits in a post prior to that?)

If so, why are you looking to reunite? Is it to be with your husband again or is it to live under the same roof as your eldest son again? If it’s the latter, I really don’t think that is a reason to reunite and you should continue the process of divorce

Did you post a few weeks ago?

There was a post from someone who had left while DH was on holiday with son and it was only 5 days since son came back from holiday and son was resisting overnights in the OPs new property.

If that is you, then I seem to recall that a lot of PPs referred to various other threads over recent months where you had detailed the abuse from your DH. The general consensus was that despite how hard it is now, from all you said previously, you were better off out of such a toxic marriage and your DC would eventually benefit from not seeing you constantly abused.

If you did get back together there is absolutely no guarantee that the respective in-laws' issues would be resolved. I think once the seed of doubt has been planted in their heads they will always take sides with their own child.

Sorry you are going through this op.

Seeing as you have given no reasons related to your dh as to why you would want to return to him eg you miss him, you miss certain character traits he has, and your eldest ds seems to be the main reason you are going back, then, on very little information, my answer would be “no” please do not return to an abusive situation as this won’t do you any good, or your children.

You may be lonely initially but your children need to see that you have self respect and you won’t live in a situation where you are verbally abused.

Have you got good legal support? Can you challenge the decisions about resident parent etc? Or is it the teen’s choice that he stays with his dad? Him opting to be with the same sex parent is not unusual but with teens op, things can change within quite a short period of time, so don’t despair.

The very best thing that you can do for your children, is to become the best, most content (outwardly) most fulfilled, healthy, balanced, well functioning person you can be and set them that example and being available to them whenever they need you, keeping the lines of communication open at all times, and making sure that their interactions with you are positive and cheerful (within reason) abd they don’t need to feel worried for you 💐

My (now ex-) BIL always hated me. I have a photo of him scowling evils at me- on my wedding day! He never changed.

It isn’t clear at all that your husband wants to get back with you: or has he said he would but under very unfair terms?

I think you are better off out of it.

Are you the same mum who posted about this a while ago and exH was abusive and DS doesnt want overnights?

I get you miss the kids, but I think you should only back if you want to be with exH. Otherwise, this reunion could end up in a 2nd split hurting children more

Yes, that’s me. It’s early days and DS is getting more used to my house, he’s a lot more relaxed now thankfully.

We haven’t talked properly yet, probably will chat when the kids go back to school.

No, definitely no one else! Just weighing up the logistics of going back.

He’s 14 soon so only a few more years and he will be an adult. It’s depressing that I don’t technically live with him at the moment although I am heavily involved in the daytimes. So he’s with me from morning til 6/7pm when ex is working. Ironically I get more quality time with him now as he would normally be in his bedroom for hours!

Thats great. Tbh unless you know you want to be with exH all youll be doing is delaying the inevitable.. neither post said anything positive about DH it was all about being close to your kids more.

I totally sympathise with you, but I think unless missing/loving/wanting DH is in your list of reasons to try its not worth messing everyone around by going back for the wrong reasons

Divorce. You have to remind yourself that you got to the point where you actually left and there is a reason for that.. you will regret it and always be wondering ‘what if’

I’m currently separated, divorce will be finalised in a matter of weeks. I moved out just after Christmas, kids are 50/50 his parents hate me and probably everyone else but I let it wash over me. Yes I have my bad days where I feel guilty but I would have been more unhappy if I stayed for ds3&5 sake. As much as they say they will change or learn there’s always something that crops up which remind you people never do!

good luck x

You left for a reason.

Divorce time.

Don't go back. It isn't a happy, healthy, harmonious relationship. He won't change and it won't be different.

Make a new, safe, happy space for yourself and your children. It takes time to build a whole new life but it will happen.

Stick with it - your son may well warm to the idea of staying at yours given time. It's very early days. Concentrate on making a life for yourself, pursue some hobbies and social activities. Your children will be grown up before you know it, so make your life as full and interesting as you deserve.

Option 2.