MIL, advice/help/AIBU about my DC.

[Talkingthingsthrough]

Hi, not a regular poster, hope I’m in the right place. Sorry it is a long one…if you manage to read through, thank you.

I have been with my DH 10 years, we had our DD in 2022, a matter of weeks after she was born my relationship with my MIL became awful, she expected time with my DD constantly, she never turned up at our door luckily but if she hadn’t seen her (or I hadn’t sent any pictures in the family whatssap group) in a day or 2, her attitude towards me became cold.

To give a bit of context, we’ve always been close, before I had my DD and during pregnancy she was great, I was looking forward to her being around for me and DD.
During my pregnancy MIL health was getting worse and she ended up needing a back operation, whilst working out what medication worked best for her she had spells of forgetfulness, confusion and losing balance (this still occasionally happens) which made me worry as she was going to be caring for my DD whilst I worked (I had other support from my family also) however never told her about my worries as didn’t want to upset her and instead just limited her time with DD alone(she would usually have her mother around so was not really fully alone a lot)

When DD was around 6 weeks old I got mastitis, it was the same time as my BIL (MILS youngest son) birthday, I of course couldn’t make it I was bed bound, my DM was around my house taking care of DD and letting me sleep whilst antibiotics kicked in and my DH worked. My MIL was noticeably annoyed with me that my DM was looking after DD and I hadn’t asked her. Even more annoyed that I didn’t go to the birthday meal for my BIL. She has a good way of letting you know she is annoyed with you such as ignoring messages or one word answers etc posting sly things on social media without saying things outright, this kind of behaviour would trigger my anxiety.

There were a lot more episodes of this kind of thing via messages but the worst thing was is that MIL was clearly talking to family members about how she was feeling, she is very manipulative when needed, I’ve witnessed this over the years… she can turn on any family member at any time if they go against her.
And so, whenever I did go to see her with my DD (I made sure to go with DD on my own after her op so she never missed time with her, she would treat me nicely then and that would be it) she would make sure she got to hold DD which was of course is fine I had no issues as long as I got her back when she needed to breastfeed, MIL would sit with her back to me so I couldn’t see DD, she would leave the room with her even if she was upset and never ever passed her back to me I would have to ask for her back or ask my DH to get her for me, around this time I felt completely isolated and the family clearly felt sorry for MIL who was desperately needing time with DD despite my needs as a brand new first time mam needing my newborn close, this behaviour started from DD being 8 days old.

She also oversteps boundaries often and does things without asking such as sending a letter from Santa last Christmas to our home (things she knows I planned to do that mothers usually want to do for their children.)

I was always told “just eat your dinner/tea, relax and I’ll take care of DD, just sit back this is your time” I didn’t want free time I wanted my newborn baby… Everytime I went over this kind of situation occurred, it triggered me and my protective instincts came out in the end I hated MIL holding DD it would make me feel anxious and sick not knowing when I could have her back. Family members would get my DD then quickly pass her over to MIL and I would be too scared to ask for her back.

And now, even though since DD was 1 year old MIL has had her every Wednesday morning, Thursday evenings she comes over our house to do bath and bed routine and every Sunday we are around her from 1:30-6:30pm, as well as sometimes seeing her more often than this, I still sometimes feel bothered when she has DD as I never know what mood she is in and if she will text me with updates at all, I don’t expect much maybe 1 picture or a text with how she’s been. I don’t let DD sleep out often as I don’t like to be away from her too long on my days off but when she has slept there in the past there’s been communication issues where MIL “forgets her phone” or something of this sort.

Eventually things came to a head when DD was coming up to her 1st birthday and we had a conversation at my home with my DH and FIL present, initially she denied things and played victim(she regularly does this with her own DCs) however after seeing how visibly upset I was and me pointing out clear facts as to how she has behaved and knowing it was coming between me and DH, DH did stand up for me completely but I don’t think he realised until this point how badly she was affecting me and my mental health. MIL did end up tearful and apologised, hugged me and promised she’d never make me feel like that again.

I have really worked on things and I feel we are back in a really good place, she has a great relationship with DD and can be supportive of me too, I realise though that whenever I decline a visit or I make other plans things can go sour for a little bit. I generally though enjoy spending time with her and feel happy with how things are, I have had to put the past in the past, I am a naturally forgiving easygoing person but this really pushed me to my limits.

My issue is I am now pregnant with DC2 and am dreading this behaviour restarting. I am hoping to find a way to not feel so anxious and to lean into MIL for support without feeling anxious that she is going to turn into what she did last time, I can’t have another maternity leave like last time it did ruin a lot of memories for me as I was constantly on edge and feeling sick with anxiety about seeing her and essentially having to “give my baby up” until it suited her. I know she’ll have DD to give attention to also so this may help things.
MIL has said to me recently she can’t wait for us to have another LO and this time she promises they “won’t be as OTT as last time”…. She is already excited about this pregnancy and has already asked me about my birthing plans and tried to pressure me into a home birth etc and I just feel she is very full on considering it is so early on.
I feel like I have some sort of PTSD about it all and am already imagining scenarios of when I have my 2nd child and it is draining me!

Sorry this is so long, I just want some advice or to know if anyone else has gone through this, am I being unreasonable with my feelings about this? I don’t want a 2nd maternity leave ruined feeling sick with anxiety about her behaviour, any tips on how I can focus my attention elsewhere if this does occur again would be great.
We are getting along fab but I never know when her mood will take a turn if I decide to have more time at home after DC2 is born this time around and she feels pushed out or whatever….

@Pictureframe03
Im sorry you had to go through a similar situation, you’ll know how it can affect you and your relationship, I’m glad you and your DH have set boundaries together, I am determined to make sure we do the same!
It is hard being a people pleaser as you can probably guess I am the same, I am prepared to stand up for myself this time around and hopefully I feel relieved as you do.

@icallshade
Thank you I appreciate your honesty and I know you’re right, it has gone on so long, I am going to start to set boundaries and minimise time when I don’t feel up for visits, see how things go, I like your advice on treating this pregnancy as a fresh start, that’s what I intend to do!

@sesquipedalian
I know it sounds ridiculous even reading it back but unfortunately I let myself get stuck in this situation, I wish my MIL shared the same opinions you do!
I am definitely planning on things changing going forward, I need to control my own life, I am relieved and appreciative of all of the support I’ve had on this post so far, thank you!

She's self reporting her symptoms and that's her truth. Why would you not take her seriously? And that's when you say, Jan, I'm going to insist you see your doctor and until your neuro issues are resolved, you can visit but I can't let you watch her by yourself or carry her or give her a bath. If there was an accident, you would never forgive yourself.

You do not want to find out what an adult falling on a toddler can do. Or dropping her.

I'd also be checking on what meds she's taking. Back issues come with pain and some pain meds are not compatible with childcare.

Your child's physical safety is your priority. Someone who cares about your child will not want to endanger them by giving care when they are having symptoms like dizziness and confusion.

As for their bond, she sounds very smothering. What are you going to do as your daughter grows and wants to spend time doing activities or seeing friends instead of seeing your MIL?

Sorry, me again! As for any guilt that you feel, well, that's the master manipulation at play. She has you all right where she wants you. And I do understand that there are times she can be great, right? Think about it...No one tolerates endless abuse. There have to be glimmers of a reward to keep people hanging on. She knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She has her playbook perfected.

Turning her back to you while holding an infant and carrying her out of the room when she was in need of her mother...do not underestimate that your MIL's response was extremely calculated. She WILL come between you and your children. It is her desire, and her actions have proven it. She has already tried since quite literally the moment of their birth!

I am going to hide this post from myself now but leave it here in case it helps anyone else in future…
I have had a lot of advice and reassurance going forward, thanks to everyone I am so relieved to hear that what I have put up with is quite frankly not acceptable and I am going to save your comments and tips for guidance and as a reminder that I am in charge here and she can’t manipulate me anymore.
xx

perhaps you could talk to her and say you’re glad that you resolved the issues last time and that you’d like to agree upfront about how best she can support you this time rather than things come to a head like before? It’s normal that you’re worried she will do it again but I do think having the conversation now will help. Ask your DH to be present too if it helps. It doesn’t need to be dramatic ~ acknowledging that she apologised and that you’re grateful for her changed behaviour and support since then.

From your post it seems you are constantly worried about how your MIL will react and you have been pushed into a routine you don’t want. You need to take charge. Decide if/when you want her to see you and your child/children, exactly how much involvement you want from her and communicate this. Just say it as a fact. No negotiation, no compromise. We can compromise with reasonable people but it doesn’t work with people like this. Stop
thinking of how she feels and put yourself and your relationship with yoir children first. Believe me, she will eventually accept it, probably after much emotional blackmail, tantrums etc. Be firm and create the family life you want. That’s it.

I’m a big believer in role modelling the behaviour you want to see from her OP. Be straightforward, be polite but firm and she’ll learn to respect you. It is zero business of her’s what type of birth you have; stop telling her stuff. Why she would expect to be part of her DIL’s birth is completely weird.